I've arrived at the doorway to 2008. I'm using this day as a marker for the path I chose over the next 12 months. I have deliberately not worked for the last two weeks, because I'm emotionally tired and I need to recoup my energy. I tend to bury myself in work because I need an outlet for all of my emotions. These last couple of days I've actually unwound, read books (my short attention span usually lays waste to a read from cover to cover), sat for more than an hour, relaxed, watched movies, been walking, eaten what I want, listened to some great music and realised how tightly wound I am....I don't like it when I'm not aware of how I'm feeling....because that means there could be a multitude of things I'm not aware of...omg, that might mean I am not in control??? :)
Control and trust are big issues, but I'm gonna try something new on this year and see how it fits. I'm leaving anything to do with my business until January 4Th when I come back from my 3 days away. I'm going to focus on being present and neither wandering too far back into my memories nor try and 'imagine' too far into the future. That's difficult for me to do, I am hardly ever present...I am constantly trying to preempt situations, people and places so that nothing takes me by surprise. Total control. I don't like surprises, not even good ones like birthday parties, trips away....Is it fear that drives this need to be prepared? Fear of looking and feeling silly, humiliated, shamed, reacting 'wrong'?
My family has been quite shocked by my temper in the last 6 months. I will express anger immediately when I feel pissed off about something. There is nothing wrong with this in itself, I know its about the level of anger I express, which when mixed with grief becomes disproportional and more about something else. My credibility nullified.
So I realise that I need to put my grief in a place by itself, examine and express it. Otherwise whatever I'm feeling has the potential to have a tsunami of emotion behind it, if triggered. Which is really unfair for the person who happens to be standing in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm working on it....
I've also removed the tumour that is my perception of family. We are too co dependant, too involved in each others lives, too overwhelming, too judgemental, too critical, too much. I have stepped back out of the circus ring and become part of the audience rather than part of the show. I no longer look at family as essential and vital to my every day life. Their opinions and thoughts on my life and its direction have been rendered 'optional'. Maybe I will hear what they have to say, maybe I won't? And I no longer assume that they are coming from a good place. Because frankly, sometimes that's just not true. Our lives have been competitive, with large bouts of jealousy, backstabbing and deceit. We are a communal drug for each other, addictive and sometimes unhealthy. I love my family, I just don't want to be shooting up with them on a daily basis.
I've been weaning myself for the last 6 months and I feel better. Less expectation, less need,less interaction, less guilt and less DRAMA.
Top 3 things I have learnt this year:
1) Having faith and understanding the process of death doesn't lessen the pain
2) There is no such thing as an old dog and new tricks when it comes to Family
3) my life can often be a repetition of lessons unlearnt (I'm trying to learn them and move on)
For all you readers out there, give it up, this is an exchange after all....drop me your top 3 for the year. Its an opportunity for a one-off comment fest...be brave. I don't and won't try and become your friend :) Neither will I hunt you down.
Happy New year universe. Bring it on.
H2
Monday, 31 December 2007
Sunday, 30 December 2007
Saturday, 29 December 2007
How's your house?
I worked for most of yesterday bringing the lounge back into order. Yep, many hours taming that jungle that is supposed to be my living room. I did the other stuff too, washing, dishes, vacuuming etc, but largely the living room was my focus. The tree was taken down and denuded of all its decoration and lights. The piles of paper were sorted and filed.
The point of a coffee table is mostly to provide a centre point to a room and to hold things like coffee cups, tea cups, nibbles, the daily paper and sometimes a work space, a place to gather around and interact. I scored zero for all those activities. The table sat in the corner, no one had coffee, no one had tea, there was no interaction around it, so it got renamed. I renamed it the Paper Table. At around 1300 x 1300 it was overly big and lacked informality. A formal intruder in the lazy room. Its' surface had long ago been erased by a foot of paper. I decided yesterday that the formal intruder must leave the premises and that my habit of creating shitpiles of paper had to go too. I don't want that habit or that table coming along for the ride into 2008.
I scoured the room and made two more boxes of 'stuff' to be rid of. The table has been dispatched to my daughters house where it will find its true purpose in life as a table in the middle of the room that has beer, poker cards, food (some that will probably sit on it for days...eek, not my busines, not my business, not my business) ash trays, cd's, games, the daily paper and more food. I look around the living room and the space has already digested its absence and adjusted. A slight shift and its like the table never exisited, its presence forgotten and erased. Every 3rd person might comment that something has changed but the majority of visitors don't notice. When someone dies its like that too. The space they once held is engulfed by the continued energy of the universe. A shimmer and the majority adjusts to engulf what was theirs and what they owned and the earth keeps turning. For some of us, this shimmer takes a very long time to arrive and we sit and ponder where is that energy that used to occupy that space. In my world, those energies have moved to somewhere that I can't follow at the moment. There's no rush, I won't ever adjust that schedule that the universe has created to suit my own needs. Until then, my life needs to be lived, breathed, felt and explored. My external house needs as much attention as my internal house. 3 days to go, heading to the dining room :)
carpe diem
later: I just saw the coffee table at my daughters home, they(herself and the many young people that often descend there, its their sanctuary from parents, most of them want to leave home but are too frightened) have christened it and it very much looks how I imagined. Immediately adopted and cherished, they wonder what they did without it...:)
h2
The point of a coffee table is mostly to provide a centre point to a room and to hold things like coffee cups, tea cups, nibbles, the daily paper and sometimes a work space, a place to gather around and interact. I scored zero for all those activities. The table sat in the corner, no one had coffee, no one had tea, there was no interaction around it, so it got renamed. I renamed it the Paper Table. At around 1300 x 1300 it was overly big and lacked informality. A formal intruder in the lazy room. Its' surface had long ago been erased by a foot of paper. I decided yesterday that the formal intruder must leave the premises and that my habit of creating shitpiles of paper had to go too. I don't want that habit or that table coming along for the ride into 2008.
I scoured the room and made two more boxes of 'stuff' to be rid of. The table has been dispatched to my daughters house where it will find its true purpose in life as a table in the middle of the room that has beer, poker cards, food (some that will probably sit on it for days...eek, not my busines, not my business, not my business) ash trays, cd's, games, the daily paper and more food. I look around the living room and the space has already digested its absence and adjusted. A slight shift and its like the table never exisited, its presence forgotten and erased. Every 3rd person might comment that something has changed but the majority of visitors don't notice. When someone dies its like that too. The space they once held is engulfed by the continued energy of the universe. A shimmer and the majority adjusts to engulf what was theirs and what they owned and the earth keeps turning. For some of us, this shimmer takes a very long time to arrive and we sit and ponder where is that energy that used to occupy that space. In my world, those energies have moved to somewhere that I can't follow at the moment. There's no rush, I won't ever adjust that schedule that the universe has created to suit my own needs. Until then, my life needs to be lived, breathed, felt and explored. My external house needs as much attention as my internal house. 3 days to go, heading to the dining room :)
carpe diem
later: I just saw the coffee table at my daughters home, they(herself and the many young people that often descend there, its their sanctuary from parents, most of them want to leave home but are too frightened) have christened it and it very much looks how I imagined. Immediately adopted and cherished, they wonder what they did without it...:)
h2
Friday, 28 December 2007
Thursday, 27 December 2007
More of yesterday
So what I didn't write yesterday was that I didn't last the day in my pajamas...too anal retentive for that. I showered and went to the DVD store, picked out a whole series of art house movies and drove to the beach (there is never enough water in my life).
I sat there for half an hour watching the guys surf. Its a little known fact that I love surfing, watching surfers and hiring Surfing DVDs. No one knows this.
Have I ever surfed? No. But in my dreams I am THE surfer. I watch them become one with the waves and imagine the freedom and the exhilaration of conquering a small surge of water. I like their focus and their dedication to the task. Hours and hours waiting, half paddle, surge, let the wave go, every now and then they'll go for it. Waves in New Zealand are nothing like Hawaii, is any place? Ours are 1-2m, not a lot of sweeping shots of a mountain of water approaching....if you know what I mean.
Those tsunami exist only in my dreams when my life is totally out of control.
Oops, digression be thy name. I went for a walk along the pier in the rain (cue water). I felt the chilled sharpness of the wind on my rain-soaked face and smiled, because I knew I was definitely alive. No matter how dull my emotions may feel, how flat my pulse might seem, I am here and alive. I came home to change and decided that now that I was moving I best carry on.
I went to the mall and joined all the Boxing Day Sales worshippers to get milk, bread and half price chocolates for...no reason:)
I got two calendars at half price too, 365 days of Shoes and 365 days of Handbags. In complete contrast to my obsession with Surfing, I am also a shoes and handbag worshipper. Can you see a pattern building? If its not 110% obsession, its nothing....needless to say, I was VERY excited to get those two calendars. These are not your everyday shoes and bags, puh-lease, these are iconic pieces of art!
I left the mall and came home for a bath, thinking I would watch a couple of DVDs before bed when my phone rang. A friend from my old work days rang and asked if I'd like to go for a drink. I ended up meeting her at a local bar and we stayed there till 10.30pm.....had a great time catching up, swapping war stories, talking about men and agreeing that we'll work together. She works in media and advertising....and will create some 'promotional' opportunities for a percentage of sales. I'm all for it.
So although yesterday started out dark with the consistency of quicksand, it definitely didn't end that way. I must be healing eh? :)
Thank god for rainbows in the rain.
H2
I sat there for half an hour watching the guys surf. Its a little known fact that I love surfing, watching surfers and hiring Surfing DVDs. No one knows this.
Have I ever surfed? No. But in my dreams I am THE surfer. I watch them become one with the waves and imagine the freedom and the exhilaration of conquering a small surge of water. I like their focus and their dedication to the task. Hours and hours waiting, half paddle, surge, let the wave go, every now and then they'll go for it. Waves in New Zealand are nothing like Hawaii, is any place? Ours are 1-2m, not a lot of sweeping shots of a mountain of water approaching....if you know what I mean.
Those tsunami exist only in my dreams when my life is totally out of control.
Oops, digression be thy name. I went for a walk along the pier in the rain (cue water). I felt the chilled sharpness of the wind on my rain-soaked face and smiled, because I knew I was definitely alive. No matter how dull my emotions may feel, how flat my pulse might seem, I am here and alive. I came home to change and decided that now that I was moving I best carry on.
I went to the mall and joined all the Boxing Day Sales worshippers to get milk, bread and half price chocolates for...no reason:)
I got two calendars at half price too, 365 days of Shoes and 365 days of Handbags. In complete contrast to my obsession with Surfing, I am also a shoes and handbag worshipper. Can you see a pattern building? If its not 110% obsession, its nothing....needless to say, I was VERY excited to get those two calendars. These are not your everyday shoes and bags, puh-lease, these are iconic pieces of art!
I left the mall and came home for a bath, thinking I would watch a couple of DVDs before bed when my phone rang. A friend from my old work days rang and asked if I'd like to go for a drink. I ended up meeting her at a local bar and we stayed there till 10.30pm.....had a great time catching up, swapping war stories, talking about men and agreeing that we'll work together. She works in media and advertising....and will create some 'promotional' opportunities for a percentage of sales. I'm all for it.
So although yesterday started out dark with the consistency of quicksand, it definitely didn't end that way. I must be healing eh? :)
Thank god for rainbows in the rain.
H2
Wednesday, 26 December 2007
New Years Eve
So its boxing day today, Xmas is over bar the shouting and its another day closer to New Years eve.
New Years eve last year is laser cut into my memory like stone. My best friend died this year while we were on holiday together in Asia. On that trip we were doing all sorts of stuff that we always wanted to do, but had never given ourselves permission to try. Staying at a really fancy hotel (my god how wasteful our mothers would say)instead of a backpackers, having pedicures, manicures, shopping frivolously, reflexology, make-overs, shopping for Armani sunglasses, visiting silk factories - total indulgence :)
Last New Years eve neither of us had plans, her boyfriend was working and my mother had gone to babysit my sisters kids (my mother lived with me at that time, that is a whole 5 posts in itself....how to mindfuck yourself in 730 days) so we decided to watch a movie, make some killer fruit punch (heavy on the vodka light on the fruit) and have a girls night.
We ended up watching The Secret (power of attraction)and stayed up till 2.30am making lists and creating dream charts....sounds a little new age wacky, but we were into it. We talked about what kind of lives we wanted, what our hopes were, where we wanted to be in 6 months, what sort of people did we want to be.
In hindsight it was a really special night, a gift. I can remember it all so clearly, especially working over my dining room table to create our charts and being a little competitive because we're both creative and finnicky.
Sharing indulgent food (expensive cheese, pesto, hummus, nuts, chocolates, crackers etc) and good conversation, talking and laughing, exploring dreams. 6 months later we were in Asia fulfilling some of those dreams, we really were. Our attitudes were like teenage girls, we had finally got to a place where we weren't constantly feeling guilty. That we might deserve some of this fun and craziness.
Our girls had grown and left home, our struggles as single parents were over, we had survived and we were coming into our own..........until she fucking died on me.
The first year of losing someone close is always marked in comparison to the last year, constant evaluation of what I was doing with that person at that time, etc, etc. So expect a few posts of this nature. Its been 6 months since her departure and she has been with me alot this week. My mind constantly flicks back to New Years eve 2006, a quiet night, two best friends, a DVD, scissors, magazines, glue, giggles, paper and dreams.
I fight myself on a daily basis. I have an internal civil war going on. I fight the guilt and the pain. I run towards the abyss and I run away. There is a little room inside me, where a light no bigger than a matchhead shines. Its glow is small but constant. That light is for hope. That light is to say to myself, her death was not a punishment for your frivolty, she left when she needed to, her dreams fulfilled. But there are other demons inside me and the energy that feeds them is old, hence the civil war.
I believe my mind is my most powerful tool and the only path to freedom. I work on it day by day, encouraging, coercing, threatening, pleading, shouting, whispering. Somedays I feel bloodied and beaten, other days I skip like I'm 5 yrs old.
Today I'm 41 and quiet. I'm going to finish off a couple of oddjobs around the house. I want to be prepared for New Years eve, when I step from this year into next year with my eyes open and my hands on the wheel. 5 days and counting :)
h2
New Years eve last year is laser cut into my memory like stone. My best friend died this year while we were on holiday together in Asia. On that trip we were doing all sorts of stuff that we always wanted to do, but had never given ourselves permission to try. Staying at a really fancy hotel (my god how wasteful our mothers would say)instead of a backpackers, having pedicures, manicures, shopping frivolously, reflexology, make-overs, shopping for Armani sunglasses, visiting silk factories - total indulgence :)
Last New Years eve neither of us had plans, her boyfriend was working and my mother had gone to babysit my sisters kids (my mother lived with me at that time, that is a whole 5 posts in itself....how to mindfuck yourself in 730 days) so we decided to watch a movie, make some killer fruit punch (heavy on the vodka light on the fruit) and have a girls night.
We ended up watching The Secret (power of attraction)and stayed up till 2.30am making lists and creating dream charts....sounds a little new age wacky, but we were into it. We talked about what kind of lives we wanted, what our hopes were, where we wanted to be in 6 months, what sort of people did we want to be.
In hindsight it was a really special night, a gift. I can remember it all so clearly, especially working over my dining room table to create our charts and being a little competitive because we're both creative and finnicky.
Sharing indulgent food (expensive cheese, pesto, hummus, nuts, chocolates, crackers etc) and good conversation, talking and laughing, exploring dreams. 6 months later we were in Asia fulfilling some of those dreams, we really were. Our attitudes were like teenage girls, we had finally got to a place where we weren't constantly feeling guilty. That we might deserve some of this fun and craziness.
Our girls had grown and left home, our struggles as single parents were over, we had survived and we were coming into our own..........until she fucking died on me.
The first year of losing someone close is always marked in comparison to the last year, constant evaluation of what I was doing with that person at that time, etc, etc. So expect a few posts of this nature. Its been 6 months since her departure and she has been with me alot this week. My mind constantly flicks back to New Years eve 2006, a quiet night, two best friends, a DVD, scissors, magazines, glue, giggles, paper and dreams.
I fight myself on a daily basis. I have an internal civil war going on. I fight the guilt and the pain. I run towards the abyss and I run away. There is a little room inside me, where a light no bigger than a matchhead shines. Its glow is small but constant. That light is for hope. That light is to say to myself, her death was not a punishment for your frivolty, she left when she needed to, her dreams fulfilled. But there are other demons inside me and the energy that feeds them is old, hence the civil war.
I believe my mind is my most powerful tool and the only path to freedom. I work on it day by day, encouraging, coercing, threatening, pleading, shouting, whispering. Somedays I feel bloodied and beaten, other days I skip like I'm 5 yrs old.
Today I'm 41 and quiet. I'm going to finish off a couple of oddjobs around the house. I want to be prepared for New Years eve, when I step from this year into next year with my eyes open and my hands on the wheel. 5 days and counting :)
h2
Tuesday, 25 December 2007
Monday, 24 December 2007
Water
If I immerse myself in water, all things are possible :) I take half hour showers and 2 hour baths, I can because I pay the bills and I live alone, so if I run out of hot water, there's no drama.
A friend of mine has a pool, so yesterday when I dropped off a Xmas parcel I went swimming, just me and the water. The first dive in always makes me giggle. It feels like I'm catching up with the funniest friend I ever met. I thrash around, do a couple of laps, float on my back and ponder the meaning of life, I'm not in there to train for the Olympics, I'm there for the therapy. And once I'm finished, just like a baptism, I leave the water with a new attitude (I think I may even glow and levitate). My emotional crud washed away and feeling like I'm Superwoman, I can acheive anything.
Afterwards I sat in the late afternoon sun, sipping tea and eating a slice of warm bread and thought there wasn't a more perfect moment in the day.
Simple, water.
H2 ;)
A friend of mine has a pool, so yesterday when I dropped off a Xmas parcel I went swimming, just me and the water. The first dive in always makes me giggle. It feels like I'm catching up with the funniest friend I ever met. I thrash around, do a couple of laps, float on my back and ponder the meaning of life, I'm not in there to train for the Olympics, I'm there for the therapy. And once I'm finished, just like a baptism, I leave the water with a new attitude (I think I may even glow and levitate). My emotional crud washed away and feeling like I'm Superwoman, I can acheive anything.
Afterwards I sat in the late afternoon sun, sipping tea and eating a slice of warm bread and thought there wasn't a more perfect moment in the day.
Simple, water.
H2 ;)
Sunday, 23 December 2007
The Unbearable Heavyness of Housework
Confession, although I've found a home for the two chairs, shit all else has changed, the house looks like a rugby team ran through it during a training session and the maid forgot to come to work. I'm the maid, I'm also the rugby team.....
I went shopping this morning because I didn't want to clean house. I have shopping to do, so when I weigh up the two options, hell will freeze over before I chose cleaning over shopping.
A clean house might mean I have my crap together, I don't. I'm in full avoidance mode. Moving from room to room ignoring the mess and focusing only on the door and the pathway to it. Let me make this clear, its not dirt, its mess. Unfolded washing, latest finds from the garage sale in a box at the door, dishes on the washstand, piles of paper everywhere, magazines and mail ughhhhh, now that I've written that I realise I have to leave this post and sort my crap out. I'm getting my battle fatigues on as I type, rolling my eyes and facing my reality. God, being an adult is so f#&^king passe sometimes.
:P
I went shopping this morning because I didn't want to clean house. I have shopping to do, so when I weigh up the two options, hell will freeze over before I chose cleaning over shopping.
A clean house might mean I have my crap together, I don't. I'm in full avoidance mode. Moving from room to room ignoring the mess and focusing only on the door and the pathway to it. Let me make this clear, its not dirt, its mess. Unfolded washing, latest finds from the garage sale in a box at the door, dishes on the washstand, piles of paper everywhere, magazines and mail ughhhhh, now that I've written that I realise I have to leave this post and sort my crap out. I'm getting my battle fatigues on as I type, rolling my eyes and facing my reality. God, being an adult is so f#&^king passe sometimes.
:P
Saturday, 22 December 2007
A case of too muchitis
OK, so I have a problem. Actually, I have a few problems, but today I will concentrate on the one at hand.
I have just been to 7 garage sales this morning. Living in Chch is like the best kept garage sale secret in the world. This city is by far the best for second hand any-mafangle you can think of.
I bought two lazyboy rockers this morning for $20, dark blue, awesome condition, just what I need to laze in over the Xmas period.....just like I need a lobotamy to match the 3 armchairs which are currently in the lounge and will need a new home...what? the garage you say? ummm well thats currently full of the 'other' period pieces I've bought. 4 Retro yellow vinyl armchairs (mint condition, mind you!) a conservatory suite (even though I don't have a conservatory); a bath with matching handrail (getting around to it list), a stove (another getting around to it task) a stereo; kitchen counter and 2 walls cabinets. If I was playing in the left field of my mind I could set up a very groovy, chilled out cafe in the garage, only trouble of course is that its a garage......and I'm neither groovy or chilled out.
I look around my lounge and I've dumped the 2 lazyboys in the middle of the lounge on purpose. It means I can't move around anything until I have sorted their status and placement in the house. See, I even have to play psychological games with myself to get me from A to B, cos it sure as shit ain't gonna happen otherwise. Otherwise the garage door will roll up and I'll add another piece of furniture to that Bonfire I'm building out there.
There is such a thing as too much and I've reached it. It doesn't matter that nothing is worth over $100, its the incessant need to gather and hoard more thats the problem.
Buyers Anonymous give me a call, I need a lifetime subscription please. WTF? it comes with a set of yellow placemats with matching salt and pepper shakers if I subscribe today??? Awesome, order me two:)
Adios
H2
I have just been to 7 garage sales this morning. Living in Chch is like the best kept garage sale secret in the world. This city is by far the best for second hand any-mafangle you can think of.
I bought two lazyboy rockers this morning for $20, dark blue, awesome condition, just what I need to laze in over the Xmas period.....just like I need a lobotamy to match the 3 armchairs which are currently in the lounge and will need a new home...what? the garage you say? ummm well thats currently full of the 'other' period pieces I've bought. 4 Retro yellow vinyl armchairs (mint condition, mind you!) a conservatory suite (even though I don't have a conservatory); a bath with matching handrail (getting around to it list), a stove (another getting around to it task) a stereo; kitchen counter and 2 walls cabinets. If I was playing in the left field of my mind I could set up a very groovy, chilled out cafe in the garage, only trouble of course is that its a garage......and I'm neither groovy or chilled out.
I look around my lounge and I've dumped the 2 lazyboys in the middle of the lounge on purpose. It means I can't move around anything until I have sorted their status and placement in the house. See, I even have to play psychological games with myself to get me from A to B, cos it sure as shit ain't gonna happen otherwise. Otherwise the garage door will roll up and I'll add another piece of furniture to that Bonfire I'm building out there.
There is such a thing as too much and I've reached it. It doesn't matter that nothing is worth over $100, its the incessant need to gather and hoard more thats the problem.
Buyers Anonymous give me a call, I need a lifetime subscription please. WTF? it comes with a set of yellow placemats with matching salt and pepper shakers if I subscribe today??? Awesome, order me two:)
Adios
H2
Friday, 21 December 2007
Steel Road
I'm not indulging myself at the moment. My angst, my depression, my blue feelings are not getting an inch. I've got both of my feet on the road and I'm being steely in my resolve. I have a financially tough period to get through and I need all my wits about me to make it through Jan. I haven't heard back about my proposal, although I know they talked about it this week. I was hoping to hear before Xmas, but I'm not sure thats going to happen given that most offices close today. I've sent an email enquiring about progress and given my dates of availability, no reply.
That means that theres no plan in place for income for January.
I'm still not stressing, something will fall in place. I just need to be looking and listening at the right time and in the right place. I'm eating and sleeping so I know the stress levels are OK.
I've completed all of the sales for my other business. Nothing outstanding. I need to do some planning around that though, I haven't got anyone to bounce my ideas off so my focus on that is a little all over the place. I just need to take myself in hand and look at what I want to develop, a budget, timeframe and manufacturer and not worry about what everyone else is doing or not doing. I'm trying hard not to give that energy.
A person close to me has dropped a hint about developing things for the same market. This person works for Govt. She was originally supposed to leave and come work with me but decided that the money was too good to leave. I know that she watches what I'm doing and wishes she could too. So the upshot is, she might. From the safety of her 75k salary and full time job, she could use public money to develop product in competition with my business. I would have a major problem with that....beacuse its public money, because its not their core business and Govt have no right to compete with private businesses. Their level of resource and access is unfair and unethical. Its just a hint at the moment, we'll see where it goes.
There I go again...stepping off and giving energy to might/could/what if....can you please stop me? LOL, no, of course you can't.
I've got a bill to pay today (yes, today, or they will get very angry), one Xmas sale to deliver and a whole lot of op-shopping to do.
I need to cook a heap of potatoes so I can bake bread (potato bread) and make some more chocolates for the last two people on my list. I'm staying on the steel road and I'm going to enjoy Xmas. I'm also going to wear something fabulous today, so that I remember that I'm in control and nothing can sway me, a steely grip on things :)
carpe diem
h2
That means that theres no plan in place for income for January.
I'm still not stressing, something will fall in place. I just need to be looking and listening at the right time and in the right place. I'm eating and sleeping so I know the stress levels are OK.
I've completed all of the sales for my other business. Nothing outstanding. I need to do some planning around that though, I haven't got anyone to bounce my ideas off so my focus on that is a little all over the place. I just need to take myself in hand and look at what I want to develop, a budget, timeframe and manufacturer and not worry about what everyone else is doing or not doing. I'm trying hard not to give that energy.
A person close to me has dropped a hint about developing things for the same market. This person works for Govt. She was originally supposed to leave and come work with me but decided that the money was too good to leave. I know that she watches what I'm doing and wishes she could too. So the upshot is, she might. From the safety of her 75k salary and full time job, she could use public money to develop product in competition with my business. I would have a major problem with that....beacuse its public money, because its not their core business and Govt have no right to compete with private businesses. Their level of resource and access is unfair and unethical. Its just a hint at the moment, we'll see where it goes.
There I go again...stepping off and giving energy to might/could/what if....can you please stop me? LOL, no, of course you can't.
I've got a bill to pay today (yes, today, or they will get very angry), one Xmas sale to deliver and a whole lot of op-shopping to do.
I need to cook a heap of potatoes so I can bake bread (potato bread) and make some more chocolates for the last two people on my list. I'm staying on the steel road and I'm going to enjoy Xmas. I'm also going to wear something fabulous today, so that I remember that I'm in control and nothing can sway me, a steely grip on things :)
carpe diem
h2
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
Todays tally
If my line of work was creating treats for friends I'd be comfortably well off :) Unfortunately there is no such occupation so I amuse myself by working in two different jobs that are incredibly poorly paid.
But thats another story. The purpose of this blog is to share my pleasure at my early morning endeavours. I have managed to make three special loaves of bread, from a live yeast in the last 24 hours, pack three parcels each containing bread, sweets/cake and organic honey (from my sisters beehives. All bustled off to the courier post, packed in retro cake tins, with hand made cards and little wishes sprinkled liberally over the entire packages. I can't afford presents this year so I made these parcels of treats for friends instead.
I'm up to my fifth parcel and the enthusiasm hasn't waned. I got a call from my friend in the north island to say all the gorgeousness of her parcel had arrived, unfortunately the conscientous courier driver had managed to smash the jar of honey which then bled through the beautiful 70s violet suede bag I had included in the parcel. It hadn't ruined the rest of the parcel which leads us to believe he probably threw it down the stairs to her house as nothing else was soaked in honey, as it would have been if it had sat all day in it....
Nevermind, stick with the good story. She loved the suede bag, washed it immediately and will assess its viability in the morning. If its a lost case, she will recycle it into something more fabulous.
I love Christmas, I love the cooking and preparation, I love the presents concept :) I dont mind what kind of present I get, its just exciting to receive.
Tonight I have baked muffins and tartlets for the office shared lunch, which marks the end of year for me. Tomorrow is the last day at work, thank god. The last loaf is on the stove and will stay there overnight to rise and be baked first thing in the morning. I hope to post this last parcel by 10am for a really dear friend. She will receive bread, mini christmas cake, honey and handmade chocolates, then I hang up my pinny until Xmas eve. Actually, I have around eight pinnys from the 1950s...its not just the kitchen which has stepped out the 50s but I have to have the costume and attitude too:)
Quaint isn't it? LOL
h2
But thats another story. The purpose of this blog is to share my pleasure at my early morning endeavours. I have managed to make three special loaves of bread, from a live yeast in the last 24 hours, pack three parcels each containing bread, sweets/cake and organic honey (from my sisters beehives. All bustled off to the courier post, packed in retro cake tins, with hand made cards and little wishes sprinkled liberally over the entire packages. I can't afford presents this year so I made these parcels of treats for friends instead.
I'm up to my fifth parcel and the enthusiasm hasn't waned. I got a call from my friend in the north island to say all the gorgeousness of her parcel had arrived, unfortunately the conscientous courier driver had managed to smash the jar of honey which then bled through the beautiful 70s violet suede bag I had included in the parcel. It hadn't ruined the rest of the parcel which leads us to believe he probably threw it down the stairs to her house as nothing else was soaked in honey, as it would have been if it had sat all day in it....
Nevermind, stick with the good story. She loved the suede bag, washed it immediately and will assess its viability in the morning. If its a lost case, she will recycle it into something more fabulous.
I love Christmas, I love the cooking and preparation, I love the presents concept :) I dont mind what kind of present I get, its just exciting to receive.
Tonight I have baked muffins and tartlets for the office shared lunch, which marks the end of year for me. Tomorrow is the last day at work, thank god. The last loaf is on the stove and will stay there overnight to rise and be baked first thing in the morning. I hope to post this last parcel by 10am for a really dear friend. She will receive bread, mini christmas cake, honey and handmade chocolates, then I hang up my pinny until Xmas eve. Actually, I have around eight pinnys from the 1950s...its not just the kitchen which has stepped out the 50s but I have to have the costume and attitude too:)
Quaint isn't it? LOL
h2
Stop and stare
I was reading 1 Pic a Day's Blog and I can see the madness his 'blogs of note' status has created. Damn, I wish I could see my own madness with such clarity. The guy gives so much that he's actually concerned about replying to the 48 comments that pop up daily. And I want to write a comment to say "don't reply, just get the hell on with it and forget there's an audience" BUT that would be another comment he would have to read....oh what tangled webs we weave....
I read his blog daily, but this week his flow has been interrupted by the thousands that have visited his blog (including me, my apologies)and now he's actually responding to the interruption. The irony.
Anyway, as I said I'd love that same observation about the stuff going on in my life. I have really crazy emotional times, one day I'm flying, another day I'm in the bottom of the ocean with the bends. Today I was starting out with a touch of the bends but I've managed to pull up by thinking about roses. I lay in bed this morning, thinking about my friend that passed away, thinking about the guy I work with and felt a few tears well up, the general feeling about the two of them is sadness, but for very different reasons. So I let the tears fall and then thought NO, this day can not be ruled by the past. So I lay there and thought what is something I can think of quickly to eliminate these bluish feelings. And as I let my thoughts escape and flow a huge peony rose came to mind. I stayed with that thought and withing milliseconds I had a slideshow in my mind of red, ruby, pink, white and wine coloured roses flashing before me. It worked, I felt better instantly. How can I be sad when I am surrounded by flowers? :)The flowers have stayed with me this morning and every time I think of something sad the flowers pop in to my mind. Good trick, thanks to you K for sending those thoughts :)
I stopped and stared, put a new trick in my pocket and carried on walking
H2
I read his blog daily, but this week his flow has been interrupted by the thousands that have visited his blog (including me, my apologies)and now he's actually responding to the interruption. The irony.
Anyway, as I said I'd love that same observation about the stuff going on in my life. I have really crazy emotional times, one day I'm flying, another day I'm in the bottom of the ocean with the bends. Today I was starting out with a touch of the bends but I've managed to pull up by thinking about roses. I lay in bed this morning, thinking about my friend that passed away, thinking about the guy I work with and felt a few tears well up, the general feeling about the two of them is sadness, but for very different reasons. So I let the tears fall and then thought NO, this day can not be ruled by the past. So I lay there and thought what is something I can think of quickly to eliminate these bluish feelings. And as I let my thoughts escape and flow a huge peony rose came to mind. I stayed with that thought and withing milliseconds I had a slideshow in my mind of red, ruby, pink, white and wine coloured roses flashing before me. It worked, I felt better instantly. How can I be sad when I am surrounded by flowers? :)The flowers have stayed with me this morning and every time I think of something sad the flowers pop in to my mind. Good trick, thanks to you K for sending those thoughts :)
I stopped and stared, put a new trick in my pocket and carried on walking
H2
Tuesday, 18 December 2007
sense
I read last nights post, yes, it still makes sense. I am one of those people that remembers all of what happened last night, no matter how much I drink.
Yesterday we had 30 degrees, it was a whopper(sounds like the burger doesn't it?). I dragged my arse through the day, tired (I stayed up till 2.30am the night before because I took that 'nap") and cranky because there is no air conditioning at work. When I finally got home, I sat like a vegetable in front of the fan, limp like wet seaweed. I went and had a cold shower before my first phone call of the night, there was only two and between them they lasted four hours....:)
So here I am, back in the land of the lucid. I awoke to the sound of water because my guttering is munted and the rain started overnight. Its bought the temperature down to a pleasant hum, and eliminated the pounding roar of yesterdays heat.
I'm making two-tone handmade chocolates this morning, its 6am and I have the trays on a converyor belt because I'm half filling them with white, then into the fridge to set, before I add milk chocoloate with walnuts. I have to make around 6 dozen today. Some for suppliers and some for friends, but they have to be in the courier by today to stand any chance of arriving in time for Christmas.
I have a very old fashioned kitchen, it has retro utensils and old billys, boilers, jugs and kettles. Its colours are old fashioned and I have tried (I realise) to recreate the essence of the 50s, simple and far more loving than the kitchens of today. If there's no love from the cook, it shows. Food made with love is the motto of my kitchen :) Like Water for Chocolate, one of my fav movies :) Back to the kitchen, back to the next batch.
H2
Yesterday we had 30 degrees, it was a whopper(sounds like the burger doesn't it?). I dragged my arse through the day, tired (I stayed up till 2.30am the night before because I took that 'nap") and cranky because there is no air conditioning at work. When I finally got home, I sat like a vegetable in front of the fan, limp like wet seaweed. I went and had a cold shower before my first phone call of the night, there was only two and between them they lasted four hours....:)
So here I am, back in the land of the lucid. I awoke to the sound of water because my guttering is munted and the rain started overnight. Its bought the temperature down to a pleasant hum, and eliminated the pounding roar of yesterdays heat.
I'm making two-tone handmade chocolates this morning, its 6am and I have the trays on a converyor belt because I'm half filling them with white, then into the fridge to set, before I add milk chocoloate with walnuts. I have to make around 6 dozen today. Some for suppliers and some for friends, but they have to be in the courier by today to stand any chance of arriving in time for Christmas.
I have a very old fashioned kitchen, it has retro utensils and old billys, boilers, jugs and kettles. Its colours are old fashioned and I have tried (I realise) to recreate the essence of the 50s, simple and far more loving than the kitchens of today. If there's no love from the cook, it shows. Food made with love is the motto of my kitchen :) Like Water for Chocolate, one of my fav movies :) Back to the kitchen, back to the next batch.
H2
Monday, 17 December 2007
comfort
I've had too many beers, my reality is blurred and my evening has ended.
I talked to a good friend of my best friend that died, we talked for one and a half hours, reminisced, relived and revived her memory. It was good, there are so few people that really knew the depths of my friends personality, it was nice to let lose and share all of our deepest secrets that we both knew of her life. She was brave and beautiful, scared and insecure, outrageous and conservative...a really beautiful human:)
I spent the next 2 hours on the phone to a queen friend of mine, I love his outrageousness and his honesty, we laughed and laughed for the whole time. I needed that. I have forgotten what it is like to laugh till my jaw aches. I have missed laughter. I haven't found much to laugh at these last few months...in case u didnt know :)
Anyway, I am in love with someone that is not available, I miss him, he is not here in mind or spirit. I want to bite him, sincerely and deeply :) Does that make sense? In this moment and state of mind it does, we shall see tomorrow.....
H2
I talked to a good friend of my best friend that died, we talked for one and a half hours, reminisced, relived and revived her memory. It was good, there are so few people that really knew the depths of my friends personality, it was nice to let lose and share all of our deepest secrets that we both knew of her life. She was brave and beautiful, scared and insecure, outrageous and conservative...a really beautiful human:)
I spent the next 2 hours on the phone to a queen friend of mine, I love his outrageousness and his honesty, we laughed and laughed for the whole time. I needed that. I have forgotten what it is like to laugh till my jaw aches. I have missed laughter. I haven't found much to laugh at these last few months...in case u didnt know :)
Anyway, I am in love with someone that is not available, I miss him, he is not here in mind or spirit. I want to bite him, sincerely and deeply :) Does that make sense? In this moment and state of mind it does, we shall see tomorrow.....
H2
Sunday, 16 December 2007
Heat
I got to the market this morning and found around 10 new stall holders....which meant it was packed. They had taken a few regular places and we ended up at the back which is not so popular. It sweltered today, so the plus of being at the back was that we also were under the trees :) And lots of people gravitated to us because of those beautiful trees. I let go of the beautiful bakelite valve radio I had, around 1930s era, beautiful form, some old guy bought it at a steal, I hope he enjoys it. He did try and bargain me down, but I know it was worth alot more, so no deal:)
The guy that runs the market bought around christmas cake for the stall holders and told me to take a piece for my mum......my mum that runs the stall.......my mum that runs the stall is my sister.....LOL. I said 'my mum's gonna be bloody mad to find out she's my sister'. Needless to say I never told my sister about his comment she'd go bezerk. She doesn't look that old actually, but she has grey hair around her temples. We made a quick killing and left after 3 hours, too hot and I needed to go meet my 'date'.
I spent an hour rushing to have a shower, wash my hair, style it and find the right outfit. An outfit that expressed my personality but wasn't too contrived.....eeek. It was so hot today I was sweating by the time I was dressed, my hair was frizzing out and by the time I was ready I had 15 minutes to get there. Sweating is not a good first impression :)
My date was at a really cute cafe that's an old house, with an outside eating area with big trees, rustic tables and wildflowers. G was one of those nice quiet guys that women often mistake for gay men. He talked very softly, slightly nervous and an over emphasis on the letter s. This is not a big deal until you hear it.
He is also a homebody, vegetarian, introverted, late morning riser who hasn't had kids and doesn't want any.
I'm not a homebody, I want adventure and travel. My early years in this world were spent moving every 1-2 years as our family followed Dad from job transfer to job transfer. What this means is that I don't mind up and leaving at short notice, actually I love it. I'm also not shy anymore, its taken alot of years, some hard grafting but my own introversion is over. Vegetarianism is interesting because I think its an ethical choice and not something to be compromised on. I haven't made that ethical choice and I like to eat meat now and then. I don't think vegies and carnivores match, is he likely to kiss me after I've eaten a hamburger? That sounds silly and you might well laugh, but its true. I also like to get up really early, around 5.30 to 6am. I want someone to get up with me and sieze the day, talk to me and share the quietness of the morning.
I add these things together and I find that he will suit someone else much better. The upside is that we had good conversation and I felt that he could be a friend, we traded cell numbers and I'll give him a call if I get an invite to something that requires a partner. G was of the same thinking I think.
I came home, took the dog for a early evening walk, watched her swim like crazy in the river, I love my dog, she a huge galloping rottweiler thats easy to love.
I came home and lay down for a while to escape the heat. I woke up a couple of hours ago...feeling refreshed because I slept for three hours!!!!!
Needless to say, its after midnight and I'm wide awake. Party anyone?
H2
The guy that runs the market bought around christmas cake for the stall holders and told me to take a piece for my mum......my mum that runs the stall.......my mum that runs the stall is my sister.....LOL. I said 'my mum's gonna be bloody mad to find out she's my sister'. Needless to say I never told my sister about his comment she'd go bezerk. She doesn't look that old actually, but she has grey hair around her temples. We made a quick killing and left after 3 hours, too hot and I needed to go meet my 'date'.
I spent an hour rushing to have a shower, wash my hair, style it and find the right outfit. An outfit that expressed my personality but wasn't too contrived.....eeek. It was so hot today I was sweating by the time I was dressed, my hair was frizzing out and by the time I was ready I had 15 minutes to get there. Sweating is not a good first impression :)
My date was at a really cute cafe that's an old house, with an outside eating area with big trees, rustic tables and wildflowers. G was one of those nice quiet guys that women often mistake for gay men. He talked very softly, slightly nervous and an over emphasis on the letter s. This is not a big deal until you hear it.
He is also a homebody, vegetarian, introverted, late morning riser who hasn't had kids and doesn't want any.
I'm not a homebody, I want adventure and travel. My early years in this world were spent moving every 1-2 years as our family followed Dad from job transfer to job transfer. What this means is that I don't mind up and leaving at short notice, actually I love it. I'm also not shy anymore, its taken alot of years, some hard grafting but my own introversion is over. Vegetarianism is interesting because I think its an ethical choice and not something to be compromised on. I haven't made that ethical choice and I like to eat meat now and then. I don't think vegies and carnivores match, is he likely to kiss me after I've eaten a hamburger? That sounds silly and you might well laugh, but its true. I also like to get up really early, around 5.30 to 6am. I want someone to get up with me and sieze the day, talk to me and share the quietness of the morning.
I add these things together and I find that he will suit someone else much better. The upside is that we had good conversation and I felt that he could be a friend, we traded cell numbers and I'll give him a call if I get an invite to something that requires a partner. G was of the same thinking I think.
I came home, took the dog for a early evening walk, watched her swim like crazy in the river, I love my dog, she a huge galloping rottweiler thats easy to love.
I came home and lay down for a while to escape the heat. I woke up a couple of hours ago...feeling refreshed because I slept for three hours!!!!!
Needless to say, its after midnight and I'm wide awake. Party anyone?
H2
To market to market
I'm about to head out for the day, taking my excess treasures to market and setting up a stall. I am a serial bargain hunter, I love markets, garage sales and boot sales :) Where there is junk you will find me:)
This is a tradition handed on to me by my father. We would often go to the tip and find old bikes, tools and things that others no longer wanted; take them home, fix them and away we would go:) At the time I thought everyone did that......
My sisters and I are also avid op-shoppers, second hand clothing stores. I laugh at people who would never wear someone elses clothes....I don't do second hand underwear (unless it was a really gorgeous 50s corset). Some of my best clothes are retro, when there was style and hand sewing, cut was important and quality was the norm.
Today I am heading out to share some of my treasures with other people who might love them. I also have a date this afternoon, he seems really interesting, well traveled, can hold a conversation, attractive. Wish me luck. Gillian Welch on the stereo (I'm not a true fan of country, but Bluegrass is different).
Check out the 1 Pic A Day Blog, the guy writes beautifully, full of heart and rawness, I love it. He has allowed me to use one of his pics.......Thanks :)
Siezing the day
h2
Saturday, 15 December 2007
5am
I'm awake and at the computer, I would rather be in zzzz land, but a party one street over woke me up at 4am. The bass is so loud its sounds like a giant is approaching at a steady pace. One that stomps the ground and never misses a beat :) Imagine what it sounds like living next door?
I've just had my first cup of tea and the birds have started singing. I do enjoy this time of morning - quietness, fresh sharp air, no mans land.
My last week of work before the holidays. Summer and cherries, my favourite.
Oh, thats a good idea, a list of my favourite summer things:
Cherries
Heat
Yellow
Water
Lawns
Sunkissed cheeks
Christmas
Cicadas in the morning
Long days
Gentle evenings
Feeling Alive
Laughter
Water fights
Barefeet
BBQ
Beach
Peaches
Cherries
Whats not to love about Summer:) I like lists too.
h2
I've just had my first cup of tea and the birds have started singing. I do enjoy this time of morning - quietness, fresh sharp air, no mans land.
My last week of work before the holidays. Summer and cherries, my favourite.
Oh, thats a good idea, a list of my favourite summer things:
Cherries
Heat
Yellow
Water
Lawns
Sunkissed cheeks
Christmas
Cicadas in the morning
Long days
Gentle evenings
Feeling Alive
Laughter
Water fights
Barefeet
BBQ
Beach
Peaches
Cherries
Whats not to love about Summer:) I like lists too.
h2
Thursday, 13 December 2007
Blessed
This year has been quite rough, emotionally. I'm glad its coming to a close. I have had another setback or 'opportunity' develop this last week. My christmas and holiday stock isn't ready and won't be until the end of January. So effectively I've missed the busiest time of the year, re sales. I was depending on the money over Dec-Jan, so I'm searching for my Plan B.
But I'm letting the stress of it go, just because there's nothing else I can do:) Handed the steering wheel over to the universe and letting it take the scenic route this summer. I know the next door will open shortly and I'll be off again.
Yesterday something special happened:) J is a client of mine, he has a mental illness which sees him swing wildly from feeling joy to despair and back again daily. Through his illness and experience this has enabled him to live and say things far more openly than most people. He introduces himself as having mental illness and will give a level of information usually saved for our nearest and dearest. I like J, I like the way he lays his soul bare. I like that he acknowledges his space and where he is emotionally. I like the fact his conversations don't start about the price of petrol or avocados:) When I ask how he is, I will get reality:) I will get a conversation that often makes people squirm, he's a magician and he doesn't even know it.
I completed a home visit with him yesterday and he walked me out to my car. He said what a nice car I had, that it was a big, powerful car and how lucky I was. I agreed. As I hopped into my car and looked back at J standing on the sidewalk, no shoes, hair uncombed but smiling he said to me " You're very blessed" and I stopped what I was doing and just smiled at him, because he was right. I said 'you're right J, I am, thank you for reminding me".
That moment was a wrinkle in time, when the present shifts so that J becomes the master of the universe, delivering profound little messages to rest of the ant colony.
Thanks J, you made my day, you're blessed too.
h2
But I'm letting the stress of it go, just because there's nothing else I can do:) Handed the steering wheel over to the universe and letting it take the scenic route this summer. I know the next door will open shortly and I'll be off again.
Yesterday something special happened:) J is a client of mine, he has a mental illness which sees him swing wildly from feeling joy to despair and back again daily. Through his illness and experience this has enabled him to live and say things far more openly than most people. He introduces himself as having mental illness and will give a level of information usually saved for our nearest and dearest. I like J, I like the way he lays his soul bare. I like that he acknowledges his space and where he is emotionally. I like the fact his conversations don't start about the price of petrol or avocados:) When I ask how he is, I will get reality:) I will get a conversation that often makes people squirm, he's a magician and he doesn't even know it.
I completed a home visit with him yesterday and he walked me out to my car. He said what a nice car I had, that it was a big, powerful car and how lucky I was. I agreed. As I hopped into my car and looked back at J standing on the sidewalk, no shoes, hair uncombed but smiling he said to me " You're very blessed" and I stopped what I was doing and just smiled at him, because he was right. I said 'you're right J, I am, thank you for reminding me".
That moment was a wrinkle in time, when the present shifts so that J becomes the master of the universe, delivering profound little messages to rest of the ant colony.
Thanks J, you made my day, you're blessed too.
h2
Tuesday, 11 December 2007
My Love
...is no ordinary thing
Love that quietens and caresses
Love that is like air, breathed in and circulated, breathed out
Love that topples
Love that fills all crevices like the ocean in a tidal pool
Love that loves
Love that quietens and caresses
Love that is like air, breathed in and circulated, breathed out
Love that topples
Love that fills all crevices like the ocean in a tidal pool
Love that loves
Monday, 10 December 2007
I still haven't found what I'm looking for
Sing along now:) I've been on a couple of dates this past month. Small shock in itself because I don't usually date. Simply, nice enough guys but I still haven't found what I'm looking for...
No, I'm not looking for Mr Universe, but Mr Sparkle would be good :)
I truly know how to get past someone's looks and see their interior. The guys I have dated in the last month have been pleasant and polite but there's been no shared laughter, no shared excitement over movies, music or interests. No connections about dreams, hopes and plans. So I'm still out on the limb, searching, prodding and digging :)
I might hire an industrial digger shortly.....my hand shovel is very labour intensive:)
On another note, I get to hand out Christmas hampers today :) I love that sort of thing. The expression of Joy on a persons face is priceless. If I won the lottery I'd do a few crazy things, like anonymous Christmas cheques to families that are struggling. Instead I will buy a present for a child who wants to be like everyone else and open something on Christmas morning but may not have that opportunity. Share your love people
H2
No, I'm not looking for Mr Universe, but Mr Sparkle would be good :)
I truly know how to get past someone's looks and see their interior. The guys I have dated in the last month have been pleasant and polite but there's been no shared laughter, no shared excitement over movies, music or interests. No connections about dreams, hopes and plans. So I'm still out on the limb, searching, prodding and digging :)
I might hire an industrial digger shortly.....my hand shovel is very labour intensive:)
On another note, I get to hand out Christmas hampers today :) I love that sort of thing. The expression of Joy on a persons face is priceless. If I won the lottery I'd do a few crazy things, like anonymous Christmas cheques to families that are struggling. Instead I will buy a present for a child who wants to be like everyone else and open something on Christmas morning but may not have that opportunity. Share your love people
H2
Saturday, 8 December 2007
Ur not my father:)
I read your emails and within me a flare goes up on the battlements. I feel an urge to fight. I feel a tightness across my chest and my body tenses. All this over an email. I can't figure it out, I walk away from the pc and leave it for an hour. Maybe after some time it will read differently. I read it again, an hour later and still I have a knot in my stomach.
What is the feeling that causes me to feel like WWIII is about to launch? Feeling a lack of consideration, respect for my opinion, feeling dominated, powerless and having little value.
I read it again and still a fire burns inside me. I can't let it drop, I can't walk away and say to myself "forget it". I need answers immediately, I want to talk about it instantly, becuase my ability to be objective about what has been written is now lost to me, like a twig in a flooded river. I want to don my armour, my spear, my sheild and my guns...I want to slog it out on the battlefield, I want to win, I want victory and I want to be heard, I want to be validated.
Where does this stem from?......my parents, but in particular my father. I spent alot of my life trying to get approval from my father. Yes, yes, its cliched and overwritten, overexposed topic, yada, yada. What I'm speaking of is not the source, but my reaction to that feeling, today in the present. How to slay the beast that is as real as smoke?
In times as the ones I have just written about, I feel like a bloodthirsty female spartin...I feel rage, which has an energy like molten lava. I can be dangerous and I can be irrational, verbally abusive and ready to kill. I have blown my lid a couple of times with a client when I have felt this way. Later on I've not been able to rationalise where the behaviour came from in an otherwise (seemingly) reasonable personality. I realise now, that I want to win over my father. I want to smash his dominance and enlighten him to a different way of thinking. I want to hear words that will never be spoken, I want to be thought of with respect and consideration.
Impossible, my father died 11 years ago.
So for all of the men that I have encountered that show me the sides of them that remind me of my father and that I find both attractive and abhorrent. For all the men that I think I can change through love and example (I can't, thats who they are) I apologise, ur not my Father. Treasured dad, be at peace. Treasured daughter, be peaceful.
H2
What is the feeling that causes me to feel like WWIII is about to launch? Feeling a lack of consideration, respect for my opinion, feeling dominated, powerless and having little value.
I read it again and still a fire burns inside me. I can't let it drop, I can't walk away and say to myself "forget it". I need answers immediately, I want to talk about it instantly, becuase my ability to be objective about what has been written is now lost to me, like a twig in a flooded river. I want to don my armour, my spear, my sheild and my guns...I want to slog it out on the battlefield, I want to win, I want victory and I want to be heard, I want to be validated.
Where does this stem from?......my parents, but in particular my father. I spent alot of my life trying to get approval from my father. Yes, yes, its cliched and overwritten, overexposed topic, yada, yada. What I'm speaking of is not the source, but my reaction to that feeling, today in the present. How to slay the beast that is as real as smoke?
In times as the ones I have just written about, I feel like a bloodthirsty female spartin...I feel rage, which has an energy like molten lava. I can be dangerous and I can be irrational, verbally abusive and ready to kill. I have blown my lid a couple of times with a client when I have felt this way. Later on I've not been able to rationalise where the behaviour came from in an otherwise (seemingly) reasonable personality. I realise now, that I want to win over my father. I want to smash his dominance and enlighten him to a different way of thinking. I want to hear words that will never be spoken, I want to be thought of with respect and consideration.
Impossible, my father died 11 years ago.
So for all of the men that I have encountered that show me the sides of them that remind me of my father and that I find both attractive and abhorrent. For all the men that I think I can change through love and example (I can't, thats who they are) I apologise, ur not my Father. Treasured dad, be at peace. Treasured daughter, be peaceful.
H2
Friday, 7 December 2007
Manners and Online dating
So yeah, I'm online dating. I figure I have nothing to lose and anything is worth a shot. I have about as much obligation as I want and I can pick and chose who I will talk to. But actually I reply to everyone that contacts me. I have these manners that won't let me ignore people, not matter how uninterested I am. But I don't become overly involved, I just say thank you and no thank you.
Which brings me to the reason for my post. Some people have no manners and it really pisses me off. A simple no thanks...no big deal, no will you marry me, no bigge....but noooooooo some *&^% actually don't reply. Of course I wouldnt want to be with someone with no manners, but jeeez, manners can get you a loooong way in all aspects of life. It shows a certain level of maturity and communication and actually from my age group, I expect it!!!
I'm pissed off because I approached a guy, said he looked and sounded interesting was he interested in meeting for coffee. He replies after 5 days (yeah, sign # 1) says oh thanks that sounds good, lets keep chatting. I reply back straight away (not desperate, just fastidious) and say sure, let me know where and when, tell me a bit about yourself in the meantime......1 day, 2 day 3 days, 4 days...........still waiting on the meantime :) No reply, disappeared into the ether...has been online a few times, no reply. So yes, I did get a reply - silence. :P:P:P:P:P
h2
Which brings me to the reason for my post. Some people have no manners and it really pisses me off. A simple no thanks...no big deal, no will you marry me, no bigge....but noooooooo some *&^% actually don't reply. Of course I wouldnt want to be with someone with no manners, but jeeez, manners can get you a loooong way in all aspects of life. It shows a certain level of maturity and communication and actually from my age group, I expect it!!!
I'm pissed off because I approached a guy, said he looked and sounded interesting was he interested in meeting for coffee. He replies after 5 days (yeah, sign # 1) says oh thanks that sounds good, lets keep chatting. I reply back straight away (not desperate, just fastidious) and say sure, let me know where and when, tell me a bit about yourself in the meantime......1 day, 2 day 3 days, 4 days...........still waiting on the meantime :) No reply, disappeared into the ether...has been online a few times, no reply. So yes, I did get a reply - silence. :P:P:P:P:P
h2
Thursday, 6 December 2007
Volume
I dig music, I change the genre to suit my mood. At the moment I'v got Stone Temple Pilots belting out Plush. This song is not meant to be played quietly, its as loud as you can handle (or your neighbours can handle, truthfully) This suits me just fine while I'm pounding away at the keyboard at 7am. I play music from the second I wake up until I walk out the door. My constant companion. It motivates, soothes, releases and invigorates my life. People hop into my car and immediately turn the volume down on my car stereo....its always too loud, I like it loud.
I'll listen to anything blues, rock, r&b, pop, opera, reggae, arabic, rap, jazz. Bring it on :)
Music for every activity and I mean EVERY activity. Turn it Up, rock it out.
H2
I'll listen to anything blues, rock, r&b, pop, opera, reggae, arabic, rap, jazz. Bring it on :)
Music for every activity and I mean EVERY activity. Turn it Up, rock it out.
H2
Monday, 3 December 2007
Sorting, the unromantic version of love
What have I learned about love and the selection of a partner now that I'm in my 40s, I know you're dying to hear :)
I've learned that I need to be alot more business-like and really test drive the model before I buy. Find out all the really important stuff before I start lusting after Mr Wrong. what is the important stuff u ask? Well, all the sort of things I never asked in the past. Deal-breaker stuff like:
I've learned that I need to be alot more business-like and really test drive the model before I buy. Find out all the really important stuff before I start lusting after Mr Wrong. what is the important stuff u ask? Well, all the sort of things I never asked in the past. Deal-breaker stuff like:
- Do they want kids?
- Are they religous? Will they want me to attend services too?
- Sex - how often, what kind and when (don't talk to me about cuddles, I've read a few online profiles of men that love cuddles....thats not me. I like to shag thanks)
- are they homebodies or do they like travel
- introvert or extrovert
- what are their political views (I'm liberal, so its not likely that Mr Conservative and I will want to hang with the same people)
- what kind of lifestyle do they lead? (drugs, exercise, eating patterns, smoker/nonsmoker, health, alcohol, gambling, sports, compulsive cleaner etc, you get the drift)
Basically anything that can't be changed because thats essentially who we are. I truly believe its best to ask these questions straight off the bat so I know where he stands and I dont waste my time trying to convince him to be someone he's not. I'll respect him just the way he is, I may not want to date him, but I think in the long run, he wouldnt want to date me either :)
Yes, I could compromise, but why? I really think I can be with someone that loves alot of the same stuff I do. I will compromise on housework, cooking, driving, painting, luggage, hotels - a whole raft of things that mean nothing to me. But the fundamentals, nope, we have to agree.
Some people might think bollocks, some will wonder what the hell I have been basing my choices on if this is new to me.....ummmmmmmmmmm well, it was basically if you like me, then I might be able to like you. And actually, those men were perfect for that time and that moment.
Yeah, I age and I learn, daily :)
h2
Thursday, 29 November 2007
AGHHH I am so sick of myself
How can I be a sane independant woman and be so insanely dependant? I didn't quit my client. We had a chat and sorted it, we hugged and played nicely. I write down how I'm feeling, I lose my wig and I carry on. God I am so sick of myself. I am soooo angst driven. Lawdy, 40+ and still tripping and falling all over my emotions.
But this is the place to trip and fall right? In the safety of my cyber sleeping bag, where all tears are virtual and we all get to sleep on cyber clouds of cotton wool. In fact, thats exactly what I'm going to do. Go sleep and get ready for another day of reality.
I went on a coffee date last night, nothing to report besides the fact he was too shy, too hard to get to talk, a little defensive (don't know why, we didnt get there :) and a little too staid. Nice to be a little more grown up in some areas of my life. Still looking, nothing urgent.
Shleep time
h2
But this is the place to trip and fall right? In the safety of my cyber sleeping bag, where all tears are virtual and we all get to sleep on cyber clouds of cotton wool. In fact, thats exactly what I'm going to do. Go sleep and get ready for another day of reality.
I went on a coffee date last night, nothing to report besides the fact he was too shy, too hard to get to talk, a little defensive (don't know why, we didnt get there :) and a little too staid. Nice to be a little more grown up in some areas of my life. Still looking, nothing urgent.
Shleep time
h2
Wednesday, 28 November 2007
Ground floor business
I'll try and condense this into a short explanation of what I do and how yesterday blew out like a tyre on a bed of nails...
I manage and faciliate the production of an item for a client. I source and order raw materials, communicate concepts, liaise with manufacturer, build relationships and problem solve until we end up with the final product which I then pack and ship to the client.
From July to October we developed and produced 3 products, no mean feat given that these have never been made or developed by anyone ever before.
So yesterday when I opened my emails and see a flurry of correspondence through the night from my client I wonder what the hell is going on.
The first couple I open are fine, just updating me on bills outstanding, what spreadsheet the client would prefer for accounting, etc etc.
The next one is the doozy. It starts off by telling me not to freak.....so I immediately feel a stone in my stomach. He wants to think about moving operations to another city, closer to him.....why? Because he thinks things could get tricky with a new section he wants developed and will need to be close by. Just to make it crystal clear what this means:
* Taking our business away from our current manufacturer who has developed the files, problem-solved, pushed through instant requests based on the whim of my client (i.e client rings and asks for 3 of a particular product by Tuesday, its Friday, each product takes a day on the machine....)and generally shown a huge amount of goodwill and patience.
* I am no longer involved in any aspect of this production as I live in the same city as the manufacturer, which was the whole point really, that I could supervise on a daily basis and not have to involve the client in day to day issues.
His rationale is that he will need to problem solve the next step and will need to have it closer to him, a four hour round trip to be exact.
I call bullshit. When I ring and ask how and why he came to these conclusions he says it was just an idea. Unfortunately an 'idea' doesn't have all the steps in place, it questions and debates, discusses and weighs up the pros and cons. An "idea" doesn't have the kids in the car with the motor running. I tell him that if there were issues with the people we were using then that should be the starting point rather than up and leaving. He says he's worried about production, I say have you asked the manufacturer if this is a problem? No, but he 'thinks' it will be. And I feel my anger start to rise......because I am experiencing two things. Excuses which have no basis and denial that he wants to try someone else. He tells me that he has the right to take his file elsewhere as he owns it. Quite correct I tell him, but he will burn the manufacturer and the bridge if he does. He tells me its a business decision and that they should be ok with it?????
Basically I lose my wig and tell him that I won't be delivering that news having developed a close working relationship with them and the fact the we had worked solidly to problem solve and deliver what the client wanted. Cutting and running isn't my style when there is no apparent issue or basis for it.
I tell him that style of business doesn't work for me.
I also tell him that this decision comes from a place of dissatisfaction, because you don't fix what ain't broke and that he is naieve to think he will have the time to manage this process elswhere, given the amount of time it has taken me (and I'm "on to it") it will be all the things that he didn't want (constant correspondence, phone calls, emails). As I write this, it becomes crystal clear that this is exactly what I need to let him do, so that he has a comparison and reference point. I'll never find out whether it was or not, because we won't be working together beyond today.
Words written down make so much more sense to me. I'm hurt, I'm hurt that he doesn't recognise our value and has discarded us like an old toy. No longer useful in his grand design. Do I want to work with someone that behaves in such a way? No, I just wrote him an email about our impasse and that we need to tidy things up and pack down. Merry Christmas to me......
I also valued my relationship with him, which makes it all so bittersweet. Enjoyed the challenge, the development of some beautiful things, the debates and the thrill of seeing something WE had made on an international stage.
So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, adieu......
I manage and faciliate the production of an item for a client. I source and order raw materials, communicate concepts, liaise with manufacturer, build relationships and problem solve until we end up with the final product which I then pack and ship to the client.
From July to October we developed and produced 3 products, no mean feat given that these have never been made or developed by anyone ever before.
So yesterday when I opened my emails and see a flurry of correspondence through the night from my client I wonder what the hell is going on.
The first couple I open are fine, just updating me on bills outstanding, what spreadsheet the client would prefer for accounting, etc etc.
The next one is the doozy. It starts off by telling me not to freak.....so I immediately feel a stone in my stomach. He wants to think about moving operations to another city, closer to him.....why? Because he thinks things could get tricky with a new section he wants developed and will need to be close by. Just to make it crystal clear what this means:
* Taking our business away from our current manufacturer who has developed the files, problem-solved, pushed through instant requests based on the whim of my client (i.e client rings and asks for 3 of a particular product by Tuesday, its Friday, each product takes a day on the machine....)and generally shown a huge amount of goodwill and patience.
* I am no longer involved in any aspect of this production as I live in the same city as the manufacturer, which was the whole point really, that I could supervise on a daily basis and not have to involve the client in day to day issues.
His rationale is that he will need to problem solve the next step and will need to have it closer to him, a four hour round trip to be exact.
I call bullshit. When I ring and ask how and why he came to these conclusions he says it was just an idea. Unfortunately an 'idea' doesn't have all the steps in place, it questions and debates, discusses and weighs up the pros and cons. An "idea" doesn't have the kids in the car with the motor running. I tell him that if there were issues with the people we were using then that should be the starting point rather than up and leaving. He says he's worried about production, I say have you asked the manufacturer if this is a problem? No, but he 'thinks' it will be. And I feel my anger start to rise......because I am experiencing two things. Excuses which have no basis and denial that he wants to try someone else. He tells me that he has the right to take his file elsewhere as he owns it. Quite correct I tell him, but he will burn the manufacturer and the bridge if he does. He tells me its a business decision and that they should be ok with it?????
Basically I lose my wig and tell him that I won't be delivering that news having developed a close working relationship with them and the fact the we had worked solidly to problem solve and deliver what the client wanted. Cutting and running isn't my style when there is no apparent issue or basis for it.
I tell him that style of business doesn't work for me.
I also tell him that this decision comes from a place of dissatisfaction, because you don't fix what ain't broke and that he is naieve to think he will have the time to manage this process elswhere, given the amount of time it has taken me (and I'm "on to it") it will be all the things that he didn't want (constant correspondence, phone calls, emails). As I write this, it becomes crystal clear that this is exactly what I need to let him do, so that he has a comparison and reference point. I'll never find out whether it was or not, because we won't be working together beyond today.
Words written down make so much more sense to me. I'm hurt, I'm hurt that he doesn't recognise our value and has discarded us like an old toy. No longer useful in his grand design. Do I want to work with someone that behaves in such a way? No, I just wrote him an email about our impasse and that we need to tidy things up and pack down. Merry Christmas to me......
I also valued my relationship with him, which makes it all so bittersweet. Enjoyed the challenge, the development of some beautiful things, the debates and the thrill of seeing something WE had made on an international stage.
So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, adieu......
Friday, 23 November 2007
I have
I have a (beautiful) daughter
I have sisters
I have friends
I have pets
I have love
I have my health
I have a couple of jobs
I have a home
I have food
I have clothing
I have an extended family
I have faith
I have hope
I have tenacity
I have determination
I have passion
I have dreams
I have sisters
I have friends
I have pets
I have love
I have my health
I have a couple of jobs
I have a home
I have food
I have clothing
I have an extended family
I have faith
I have hope
I have tenacity
I have determination
I have passion
I have dreams
Thursday, 22 November 2007
Done
Forgot to update the current situation on those doors....
- Contract for social services work is renewed to permanent part time
- First lot of product on the line, will roll off the line next week, going to launch, want to come? :)
- House has to be sold....sadness, renegotiated terms are still beyond me
- No news on my proposal....
- Percentages sorted with the client
I'm batting around 70%...not bad, path is clear, visibility is high :)
Sieze the day
H2
Heat
Its around 6am and the sun is already up and burning....I love summer. No more aching bones or deep chills that leaves me seeking warmth under layers of clothing all day and night. My body gives a relieved sigh when summer arrives.
I am like a plant, I hibernate in winter, peep out in Spring and unfurl in summer and yes, I will probably brown off and wither :)
I love this time of the morning - quiet and gently silent. Everything seems fresh and new, a new day with new possibilities. I realise last night that I am over someone:) I'm usually on call 24-7 and answer evey message and email that crosses my path. Now, although I will read and listen to the messages I have no sense of urgency to reply. I open and read and think no, not urgent, go to bed. The heat has left the situation....thank you god, hahaha.
I hate to be obsessive, but you know, the heart wants what it wants until it wants no more:)
My obsession isn't even available, doesn't openly know I'm obsessed and lives in a different world from mine. So in fact, I was in fantasyland about what it was and what it could be.....:) Bless me for letting my imagination get away from me, be gentle, because even at 41 I still waver between reality and the imagined :)
I don't know how married couples get on, but I can certainly say, sometimes I will meet a man and he will not only cross my path but will literally scorch it with his presence. And it doesnt matter if he is married, gay or celibate, I still have to work through a process of letting him go...hahaha. I have yet to be obsessed with someone that is single.......I think my sixth sense picks up their unavailability....this fire in particular has burned brightly for around 6 months. Bring on the real summer and all of its heat.
Thanks for the fake heat over the winter, it certainly did its job:)
To the Rescue - Bob Marley
I am like a plant, I hibernate in winter, peep out in Spring and unfurl in summer and yes, I will probably brown off and wither :)
I love this time of the morning - quiet and gently silent. Everything seems fresh and new, a new day with new possibilities. I realise last night that I am over someone:) I'm usually on call 24-7 and answer evey message and email that crosses my path. Now, although I will read and listen to the messages I have no sense of urgency to reply. I open and read and think no, not urgent, go to bed. The heat has left the situation....thank you god, hahaha.
I hate to be obsessive, but you know, the heart wants what it wants until it wants no more:)
My obsession isn't even available, doesn't openly know I'm obsessed and lives in a different world from mine. So in fact, I was in fantasyland about what it was and what it could be.....:) Bless me for letting my imagination get away from me, be gentle, because even at 41 I still waver between reality and the imagined :)
I don't know how married couples get on, but I can certainly say, sometimes I will meet a man and he will not only cross my path but will literally scorch it with his presence. And it doesnt matter if he is married, gay or celibate, I still have to work through a process of letting him go...hahaha. I have yet to be obsessed with someone that is single.......I think my sixth sense picks up their unavailability....this fire in particular has burned brightly for around 6 months. Bring on the real summer and all of its heat.
Thanks for the fake heat over the winter, it certainly did its job:)
To the Rescue - Bob Marley
Sunday, 18 November 2007
Doors
ok, got lots of door to look through, see what I want to do....
- I approached my old work place about some contract work, my old boss seems interested and asked me to put a proposal in for consideration. I've been tossing all weekend about whether or not I want to be working for them again....kind of spur of the moment pitch that is now a reality......shit, careful what you ask for.....
- My business start up loan has been approved, now I have to go for it, I need to make the pre-Xmas sales or my summer is gonna be long and hard. Which means I need at least half a dozen products in two weeks....eeeeeeeeeeeek.
- My biggest client is interested in being a part of the other business I'm developing (designer capacity), we recently had a big blow-out, its still not completely ok between us....I think its a good time to let go of my obsession with him....????? LMAO but can I trust him? AND we still need to talk about the terms of payment, % etc.
- My mortgage is up for review tomorrow. I have to ask if they will extend my terms of payment or I will have to sell my home. If they won't renegotiate my terms I will sell my house to my sister. Its not really a problem but I would rather keep my home. I'll deal with whatever happens.
- My contract in social services comes up for review this week. The job is handy, but its hard work, its supposed to be budget advisory but you can't look at the finances without looking at the lifestyle and self esteem of the client. The pay sucks, its a third of what I used to get paid per hour, but I knew that when I took the job on.
- People to pay back, loans from here to China......its all good, I'm gonna be fine.
I've done alot of manual labour this weekend, the backyard looks amazing. I worked myself silly because I have too much to think about. I just needed time away from thinking and to get my hands on the earth and remember that nothing is as big a deal as I might imagine. I'm trying to manage my tidal waves and take the energy out of them so they are gentle not gigantic.
I have a few doors that can be closed or opened, I have a plan, I'm just scared :)
Keeping it simple and practical. Working through each issue as it comes to hand with patience and attention to detail. No room for carelessness.
I'm going to have a hot bath, listen to some music while I bathe and light some candles.
Breathe watergurl, breathe.
hmmm not quite as I wanted
That definition of sadness, kindly copied from Sandys blog actually had a watermark background, but because I'm not completely computer savvy, its dropped off into the bloghole somewhere.....
I know you're shocked that I'm not completely savvy at something, so am I!
I went out and fought the jungle yesterday (aka my backyard), did I win? Hardly, two months of inattention can do that to a garden. Got a nice tan started though, beautiful day and I ended it with Green curry chicken and a hot bath to take out the kinks. Yesterday was a live-in-the-moment kind of day. Only thing missing was Mr Beautiful, but thats another blog. Mr Beautiful doesn't exist for me right now, but he's going to. When I call him Mr Beautiful its to reinforce all the things he will be :) internally and externally.
Anyways, I put up that sadness blog to remind myself thats its just wanting and not having, so I best GET ON WITH IT and manifest all the wants into reality:)
Peace people
H2
I know you're shocked that I'm not completely savvy at something, so am I!
I went out and fought the jungle yesterday (aka my backyard), did I win? Hardly, two months of inattention can do that to a garden. Got a nice tan started though, beautiful day and I ended it with Green curry chicken and a hot bath to take out the kinks. Yesterday was a live-in-the-moment kind of day. Only thing missing was Mr Beautiful, but thats another blog. Mr Beautiful doesn't exist for me right now, but he's going to. When I call him Mr Beautiful its to reinforce all the things he will be :) internally and externally.
Anyways, I put up that sadness blog to remind myself thats its just wanting and not having, so I best GET ON WITH IT and manifest all the wants into reality:)
Peace people
H2
Thanks Sandy
SADNESS
Sadness is the difference between what you want and what you got.
Sadness is longing for something you can't have.
Sadness is missing something you wish you had--still, again, or ever.
Sadness is being aware you're not where, or when, you want to be.
Sadness can indicate these things and also feelings of inadequacy or futility...based on a perceived gap between wanting something and your abilities to manifest it.
Sandy Schairer, PhD, Metaphysician
www.sandyschairer.blogspot.com
Thursday, 15 November 2007
Mindbound
I feel restrained, bound and restricted. In both of my jobs.....the feeling is caustrophobic. I'm having a midlife crisis. I can't stand the thought of working for someone else, especially when I have to wait for them to make a decision so that I can plough ahead. I just want to plough!!
Even working for myself I still have to wait on other people. I have grown more impatient this year than any other year I can remember. I feel mortal and I feel like I need to accomplish more (see, I told you I was having a midlife crisis!).
Its getting to crunch time, the money has run out, my clients aren't making money (not because of me, just because they insist on doing things their way, their way = unproductive, wasted time and indecision) and I need to get on with the other side of my business so that I can work at the pace I set instead of 'waiting' for other cogs in the wheel to get moving. But guess what!!!! I'm waiting for finance approval LMAO. Irony, back down girl, sit.
Freedom, I crave it, I yearn for it. I have it. Freedom to live how I want, this is actually huge, for the most part I have that freedom, but the reality is I need to pay rent, insurance and power. Then I need an income and this is where the 'freedom' concept is challenged:) Maybe I want irresponsibility rather than freedom? Maybe I just want to run wild and not worry about the bills? And again, this is possible, but at a cost:) GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR byebye house, byebye asset, byebye big old security blanket.
BUT I am going to persist, because I am like the most tenacious dog in the world. I won't let go until I'm shot with a high powered rifle....hahahha, shit I'm sick.
I do have the most insistent feeling about my new business, I have faith and determination. I'm just bloody impatient today. I need news, a break through, a crack in the universe, an intervention of the spiritual kind :)
My freedom is in my mind, a western luxury.
Going to have a shower and get real :)
Hola
H2
Even working for myself I still have to wait on other people. I have grown more impatient this year than any other year I can remember. I feel mortal and I feel like I need to accomplish more (see, I told you I was having a midlife crisis!).
Its getting to crunch time, the money has run out, my clients aren't making money (not because of me, just because they insist on doing things their way, their way = unproductive, wasted time and indecision) and I need to get on with the other side of my business so that I can work at the pace I set instead of 'waiting' for other cogs in the wheel to get moving. But guess what!!!! I'm waiting for finance approval LMAO. Irony, back down girl, sit.
Freedom, I crave it, I yearn for it. I have it. Freedom to live how I want, this is actually huge, for the most part I have that freedom, but the reality is I need to pay rent, insurance and power. Then I need an income and this is where the 'freedom' concept is challenged:) Maybe I want irresponsibility rather than freedom? Maybe I just want to run wild and not worry about the bills? And again, this is possible, but at a cost:) GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR byebye house, byebye asset, byebye big old security blanket.
BUT I am going to persist, because I am like the most tenacious dog in the world. I won't let go until I'm shot with a high powered rifle....hahahha, shit I'm sick.
I do have the most insistent feeling about my new business, I have faith and determination. I'm just bloody impatient today. I need news, a break through, a crack in the universe, an intervention of the spiritual kind :)
My freedom is in my mind, a western luxury.
Going to have a shower and get real :)
Hola
H2
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
Treacle
I've read through my last few posts, not exactly "I-feel-great" City.....alot of angst. My life is not bad, I just tend to hit the blog button when I'm feeling less than great. Which seems often lately........
Anyway, my part-time job demonstrates to me on a daily basis why I need to be grateful and what my life could be like if I was on another path.
Yesterday I spend the day with P a 38 year old woman, that looks around 45. P has had a life of physical and emotional abuse. She has 5 children, 3 of whom live away from home (2 with their father, one in welfare care). The courts have ruled that she may have limited access to the child in care, but will never gain custody of her again. P is under the 'high risk' section of the welfare system and has a special case worker. She is trying to make changes to her life. She has no idea what a kind and loving mother is, simply because she has never experienced one. She moved into her housing corp home yesterday, it really is lovely. They have blankets over the windows to provide some privacy, because even $10 curtains at the op-shop are out of reach to her budget. Matresses on the floor and a few pieces of furniture, it doesn't take much to create tension in this type of environment. Because there isn't enough of anything. Love, food or things that create a home (no broom even) . By the time she has bought food, $4 for a second hand broom seems too frivilous. She is given $190 per week to provide food and power to herself and her two remaining children. She has an automatic payment of $15 for a bill and rent of $84 dollars. That leaves a total of $91 to feed and provide for one 14 y old and one 2 y old. Forget clothes and doctors bills.
The 14 y old is at his most vulnerable - out of school, in the throes of puberty, being watched by CYF with a court appearance in Nov, the chances of him remaining with his mother are very low. Another statistic waiting to happen. Because the alternative life in care for the next few years will do nothing to address his problems. From the welfare care he'll be back on the streets, socially immature, with a major attitude about authority and welfare systems, alot of aggression and plenty of places to share it.
Yes, i hear people harping on about dole bludgers, beneficiaries, single mothers. Harping doesn't create self-esteem, harping ostricises and alienates sections of our society. Self esteem is the key to empowerment. The ability to lift your head up and ask for assistance, treat and be treated with respect creates a different community. Knowing that you are worth more than a lotto ticket opens doors to many possibilities.
I say, spend money on these people, do whatever it takes to show them a life worth aspiring to, expose them to experiences that have never been a part of their life. Open doors so that they can step through, assist in their introduction to a new way of being.
ENABLE and dont give up. Too many people have already given up on them, they expect you and I to give up:) Kill that expectation and create a new mantra, I believe in YOU.
Treat every aspect of their lives as interconnected and as vital to each link in their DNA chain. From our ability to get up and get dressed, to the food that is put on the table, right down to being able to look in the mirror in the morning, give blessings for another day and knowing that we have somewhere to go or something to do that sets up acheivable goals. So that at the end of the day, when we return home, tired, with food on the table that nourishes our body and hearts, we can go to sleep and think life is not so bad.
So many of our systems explore one aspect of our lives, usually money and leave all of our human needs at the door. There is no assistance for stress, poverty of the mind, sadness or feeling u are worthless. Thinking that beneficiaries are all bludgers is poverty of the mind as well, an inability to relate and feel compassion for someone elses experience.
carpe diem people.
H2
Anyway, my part-time job demonstrates to me on a daily basis why I need to be grateful and what my life could be like if I was on another path.
Yesterday I spend the day with P a 38 year old woman, that looks around 45. P has had a life of physical and emotional abuse. She has 5 children, 3 of whom live away from home (2 with their father, one in welfare care). The courts have ruled that she may have limited access to the child in care, but will never gain custody of her again. P is under the 'high risk' section of the welfare system and has a special case worker. She is trying to make changes to her life. She has no idea what a kind and loving mother is, simply because she has never experienced one. She moved into her housing corp home yesterday, it really is lovely. They have blankets over the windows to provide some privacy, because even $10 curtains at the op-shop are out of reach to her budget. Matresses on the floor and a few pieces of furniture, it doesn't take much to create tension in this type of environment. Because there isn't enough of anything. Love, food or things that create a home (no broom even) . By the time she has bought food, $4 for a second hand broom seems too frivilous. She is given $190 per week to provide food and power to herself and her two remaining children. She has an automatic payment of $15 for a bill and rent of $84 dollars. That leaves a total of $91 to feed and provide for one 14 y old and one 2 y old. Forget clothes and doctors bills.
The 14 y old is at his most vulnerable - out of school, in the throes of puberty, being watched by CYF with a court appearance in Nov, the chances of him remaining with his mother are very low. Another statistic waiting to happen. Because the alternative life in care for the next few years will do nothing to address his problems. From the welfare care he'll be back on the streets, socially immature, with a major attitude about authority and welfare systems, alot of aggression and plenty of places to share it.
Yes, i hear people harping on about dole bludgers, beneficiaries, single mothers. Harping doesn't create self-esteem, harping ostricises and alienates sections of our society. Self esteem is the key to empowerment. The ability to lift your head up and ask for assistance, treat and be treated with respect creates a different community. Knowing that you are worth more than a lotto ticket opens doors to many possibilities.
I say, spend money on these people, do whatever it takes to show them a life worth aspiring to, expose them to experiences that have never been a part of their life. Open doors so that they can step through, assist in their introduction to a new way of being.
ENABLE and dont give up. Too many people have already given up on them, they expect you and I to give up:) Kill that expectation and create a new mantra, I believe in YOU.
Treat every aspect of their lives as interconnected and as vital to each link in their DNA chain. From our ability to get up and get dressed, to the food that is put on the table, right down to being able to look in the mirror in the morning, give blessings for another day and knowing that we have somewhere to go or something to do that sets up acheivable goals. So that at the end of the day, when we return home, tired, with food on the table that nourishes our body and hearts, we can go to sleep and think life is not so bad.
So many of our systems explore one aspect of our lives, usually money and leave all of our human needs at the door. There is no assistance for stress, poverty of the mind, sadness or feeling u are worthless. Thinking that beneficiaries are all bludgers is poverty of the mind as well, an inability to relate and feel compassion for someone elses experience.
carpe diem people.
H2
Sunday, 11 November 2007
Happy Birthday little sister
She doesn't look a day over 29 (I think??) could be my rose tinted birthday glasses, but I think she looks great.
Anyway, happy birthday today Ms Scorpio currently on holiday in Brisbane, with no children:)
Anyway, happy birthday today Ms Scorpio currently on holiday in Brisbane, with no children:)
Counter 0 Sanity 1
Its gone, couldn't have it on my page for a second longer. I prefer my faux privacy. Yes, privacy and internet are a contradiction in terms, I realise that....shhhh. At least this way, I have no idea. What I don't know, can't irk me. I woke up at 4.15am, what a pain, lay around for 40 mins and decided to do something constructive, hopefully tire myself out and go back to bed where I belong.
I'm not a fan of 4am, its that in=between time, no one is usually awake and the world is very quiet. The threshold time between night and day break. I remember in hospital that this was the loneliest time of the night.
I've made tea and a slice of toast. Hopefully prompting the body to become tired again, wateva, its just a habit, get up, eat. Nothing seems out of the ordinary if I'm drinking tea.
Strange but true, tea is my comforter. I usually carry my own teabags in my handbag, yep, wacko. Don't worry, I'm discreet, I usually make my own tea and don't fuss about whats on offer. My tea must be strong, with a dollop of milk, no more, no less. Some people brew tea, I stew it. Wow, that really got you sitting upright, didn't it. Fascinating.
Maybe I'm trying to bore myself to sleep? I can hear the birds singing, the sky is lightening. 5.30am is my usual wake up time. Its close to that now, but I feel ripped off. I dont want to be awake earlier than that.
I went to see Room 1408 on Friday night, forget it. It could have been so good, but wasn't. I can't believe Samuel L Jackson played such a role. That man is brilliant, for godsakes someone give him a decent role. I think John Cusack overplayed the role, too much tension too early when nothing had even happened. They should have hired the freak from Silent Hill, that had some f*&ked up FX on it. Especially those nurses.....scary. This was at the other end of the budget with a quite a few inconsistencies. The stroppy 14 y old on the candy stand gave me a bucket of corn kernels too, little bugger. Overall rating out of 10, save-ur-money-wait-for-the-video 4.
OK I'm slinking back to bed, pretending that I'm tired. My tea is finished.
h2
I'm not a fan of 4am, its that in=between time, no one is usually awake and the world is very quiet. The threshold time between night and day break. I remember in hospital that this was the loneliest time of the night.
I've made tea and a slice of toast. Hopefully prompting the body to become tired again, wateva, its just a habit, get up, eat. Nothing seems out of the ordinary if I'm drinking tea.
Strange but true, tea is my comforter. I usually carry my own teabags in my handbag, yep, wacko. Don't worry, I'm discreet, I usually make my own tea and don't fuss about whats on offer. My tea must be strong, with a dollop of milk, no more, no less. Some people brew tea, I stew it. Wow, that really got you sitting upright, didn't it. Fascinating.
Maybe I'm trying to bore myself to sleep? I can hear the birds singing, the sky is lightening. 5.30am is my usual wake up time. Its close to that now, but I feel ripped off. I dont want to be awake earlier than that.
I went to see Room 1408 on Friday night, forget it. It could have been so good, but wasn't. I can't believe Samuel L Jackson played such a role. That man is brilliant, for godsakes someone give him a decent role. I think John Cusack overplayed the role, too much tension too early when nothing had even happened. They should have hired the freak from Silent Hill, that had some f*&ked up FX on it. Especially those nurses.....scary. This was at the other end of the budget with a quite a few inconsistencies. The stroppy 14 y old on the candy stand gave me a bucket of corn kernels too, little bugger. Overall rating out of 10, save-ur-money-wait-for-the-video 4.
OK I'm slinking back to bed, pretending that I'm tired. My tea is finished.
h2
Saturday, 10 November 2007
Made a f*&^%$ mistake with that counter....
Hey, if you happen to be reading this I'm gonna let you in on a BIG secret......I put up that counter as a freebie widget from NeoEarth (cool site btw) to see how many people might cruise by. I didn't think anyone actually visited my page.....f*&% big mistake.
Now I'm freaked that people are reading it and I'm hooked to see if people are visiting.....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, god get rid of this addictive personality.
If you are a cruiser and not a reader, happy travels, if you're a reader of my page, NEVER tell me ok? Cos I'm happy pretending that no one does. But now I feel like Truman, so I sort of killed my own diary. Dum ass.
Now I'm freaked that people are reading it and I'm hooked to see if people are visiting.....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, god get rid of this addictive personality.
If you are a cruiser and not a reader, happy travels, if you're a reader of my page, NEVER tell me ok? Cos I'm happy pretending that no one does. But now I feel like Truman, so I sort of killed my own diary. Dum ass.
Friday, 9 November 2007
Once upon a Saboteur
She is a saboteur. She plants seeds of doubt and cultivates them as if they were newborn babies, so tender but so deadly. She makes jagged comments and undermines truth, hiding her fears behind commentary and supposed objectivity. She seeks comfort and understanding after she has created mayhem. She feigns sadness and distance after her motives are questioned. She plays this game really well and can spin all stories so that they might make sense.....in Oompa Loompa Land.
She is fearful and believes honesty is about criticism. She does not want to be wrong, She does not like mistakes. She is misled, she does not know that honesty is actually about looking in the mirror and knowing your own faults, owning them, embracing them and being able to see yourself in others without turning away. She will come to know that honesty is face on and standing upright. She appraoches with a smiling mask, a sharp tongue and a razor scythe that fits so neatly into her pocket.
She skirts the edges and never participates so that she can revel in the post-dissection and criticism of the bloodiest kind. She prefers a blunt knife for the autopsy, so that the pain is excruciating under the guise of detached observation. She is fucking angry. He needs to watch out:)
He actively buys into this behaviour by supporting Her analysis and criticism. He takes on the criticism as if it was His own and starts perpetrating that myth. He wants to be manipulated. He desperately wants Her approval, of which She will never give. She is angry, remember?He reinforces the lies, because he'd rather be unhappy than alone.
These two are perfect for each other in their own world, but woe betide this happy couple when they encounter the outer world.
She is fearful and believes honesty is about criticism. She does not want to be wrong, She does not like mistakes. She is misled, she does not know that honesty is actually about looking in the mirror and knowing your own faults, owning them, embracing them and being able to see yourself in others without turning away. She will come to know that honesty is face on and standing upright. She appraoches with a smiling mask, a sharp tongue and a razor scythe that fits so neatly into her pocket.
She skirts the edges and never participates so that she can revel in the post-dissection and criticism of the bloodiest kind. She prefers a blunt knife for the autopsy, so that the pain is excruciating under the guise of detached observation. She is fucking angry. He needs to watch out:)
He actively buys into this behaviour by supporting Her analysis and criticism. He takes on the criticism as if it was His own and starts perpetrating that myth. He wants to be manipulated. He desperately wants Her approval, of which She will never give. She is angry, remember?He reinforces the lies, because he'd rather be unhappy than alone.
These two are perfect for each other in their own world, but woe betide this happy couple when they encounter the outer world.
Thursday, 8 November 2007
Closed
Its ok, case closed, turning down the volume on this drama. I think I communicate clearly? deluded again. No wonder we wage war on each other. My ability to communicate my message varies on a daily basis. Some days I rock, other days I do not....seriously not.
Some days the drama is as huge as a wave off the coast of Hawaii, killer waves that can seriously hurt you if you happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Waves of drama that will pound you into the reef and carry on as if nothing happened. Need to check that tsunami alot earlier and warn the coastguard. I need to not let it get so wound up like a hurricane coming in to shore. Why am I talking waves, tsunami and hurricanes? Thats just me, I see situations as pictures rather than words, try and dig it if you can:) Its like asking me why the sky is blue, my answer is 'because its not green'....yeah, it only makes sense in my world:) Only waves that knock me off my feet and make me laugh for a little while, ok?
Welcome back boi, you were missed.
h2
Some days the drama is as huge as a wave off the coast of Hawaii, killer waves that can seriously hurt you if you happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Waves of drama that will pound you into the reef and carry on as if nothing happened. Need to check that tsunami alot earlier and warn the coastguard. I need to not let it get so wound up like a hurricane coming in to shore. Why am I talking waves, tsunami and hurricanes? Thats just me, I see situations as pictures rather than words, try and dig it if you can:) Its like asking me why the sky is blue, my answer is 'because its not green'....yeah, it only makes sense in my world:) Only waves that knock me off my feet and make me laugh for a little while, ok?
Welcome back boi, you were missed.
h2
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
Closer
The more I look at it the more I think its time to let go. The past week has been tough. First R and then M, I feel let down by both. My weekend away did nothing to eleviate that feeling but added to it. Like glitter turned to stone. E, H and V all viewed from far away, I could neither feel or value their presence.
People and places to be let go of, like a physical expiry date. That boat that I'm in, deep at sea with neither land nor people in sight is ever present. I just need to see a few more people face to face and make my decision. Indifferent, but softly, not harshly.
When I look at someone, I can see the corners of their heart, I can see what they try to hide from everyone else. I can see their darkness and their light.
What does that mean? It means I can tell when someone hasn't told everything.....I can tell if someone is hiding...something. Most times I let it ride, because it usually has nothing to do with me, not this time....Come hither, let me see your eyes so that any shadow or flicker can be recorded, every shrug, smirk, twitch, shift or scratch is loaded into my microscopic mind for analysis. Shall we meet?
My own heart has corners that even elude me. It is not a judgement, it just is.
So come closer, let us speak and let me see what it is that is not spoken.
People and places to be let go of, like a physical expiry date. That boat that I'm in, deep at sea with neither land nor people in sight is ever present. I just need to see a few more people face to face and make my decision. Indifferent, but softly, not harshly.
When I look at someone, I can see the corners of their heart, I can see what they try to hide from everyone else. I can see their darkness and their light.
What does that mean? It means I can tell when someone hasn't told everything.....I can tell if someone is hiding...something. Most times I let it ride, because it usually has nothing to do with me, not this time....Come hither, let me see your eyes so that any shadow or flicker can be recorded, every shrug, smirk, twitch, shift or scratch is loaded into my microscopic mind for analysis. Shall we meet?
My own heart has corners that even elude me. It is not a judgement, it just is.
So come closer, let us speak and let me see what it is that is not spoken.
Monday, 5 November 2007
Home
I arrived home last night and haven't felt so relieved in a long time. My space, my sanctury, my bed, my bones. I drank tea and felt my burdens leave me. Just stepping across the threshold gave me a sense of quiet and peace. I stood in the shower for 30 minutes and just felt the water wash away all my tension. Laying down in bed, the last of my worries left me, I sunk into my pillow, pulled my blankets up around my chin and found peace in my sleep. I felt so grateful that this place that I call home, is just that, my home, the place where I feel most comforted, the place where I rest.
Sunday, 4 November 2007
Saturday, 3 November 2007
Over it
Arrived to an afternoon of meetings yesterday, all good, no probs. Went and met friends for a few drinks from around 5pm, started good and ended mediocre albeit nearly 9 hours later. I think I'm over certain people and certain places. I couldnt give a rats ass about a few people I encountered last night. I didnt find the humour or the attention stimulating. I felt distracted, like something was missing.
The old me would have found easy laughter, interesting conversation and a willingness to be central in the discussion. Not so anymore. Tired of it and over it.
I've moved somewhere else emotionally, my friends and family no longer hold me. Where to now? Going overseas? Going, just going? Its quite clear that things have changed, not surprising really, too much has happened. Like standing outside a glass house and watching an old life continue. Observing but not feeling connected enough to want to participate.
With only 4 hours sleep I need to go catch up on some zzzzzz, just needed to write down that observation. I have no idea where the ship is heading now, I hate to head off on my own again, but there isnt much choice, hanging back in the shadows isnt really an option just because its safer. I wish there was someone that could keep up, this journey gets mighty lonely sometimes.
The old me would have found easy laughter, interesting conversation and a willingness to be central in the discussion. Not so anymore. Tired of it and over it.
I've moved somewhere else emotionally, my friends and family no longer hold me. Where to now? Going overseas? Going, just going? Its quite clear that things have changed, not surprising really, too much has happened. Like standing outside a glass house and watching an old life continue. Observing but not feeling connected enough to want to participate.
With only 4 hours sleep I need to go catch up on some zzzzzz, just needed to write down that observation. I have no idea where the ship is heading now, I hate to head off on my own again, but there isnt much choice, hanging back in the shadows isnt really an option just because its safer. I wish there was someone that could keep up, this journey gets mighty lonely sometimes.
Friday, 2 November 2007
Played
I skipped over something deliberately, just cos I don't even want to think about it, makes my heart ache.
I'm a giver, yep guilty as charged, constantly give to people. Some people are takers, unfortunately there must be a universal balance or we would tip off the earth. For both these types of people there must be a time when the giver takes and the taker gives, make sense? Stay with me on this one, it gets a little bent.
I've given freely to a certain person, jumped and made things happen, some of them asked for, some of them not. I have a bigger picture of what can be and work to make that picture a reality, I work really hard. I don't think I'm demanding but I might be? I'm open to that possibility. I know I have high standards, but so does this person, constantly questioning details and asking for the moon, when we only have cheese.
I do get riled when I ask for something in return and I don't receive, because I do so rarely ask. This has happened a couple of times with this person, not once, twice or even three times. So now, I have put the brakes on and ask them to step off my train. Cos I can't have someone that treats me with so little consideration sitting in First Class. First Class is for my friends that give just as freely as I do. First class is for those in my life that trust me and know that I don't ask because I'm bored or wanting attention. First class is for those around me that recognise the effort and are grateful, just as I am with them. First class is where the good seats are, where the house is warm and there is always an open door. First class is knowing that you can ring at any time and ask for anything and I'll try my damndest to get it for you. First class is for those that have my back, that watch out for me and love me :)
So sorry that you need to depart here, can I help you down from the train? I've packed you a lunch and put in a blanket in case the weather changes. I also put a torch in your bag so that you never lose your way. We have reached a fork in the tracks, my train takes me this way, your train will be along in a minute. Its been great to work with you and you are soo talented, you will be just fine.
Much love on your journey, see you at a station sometime:)
h2o
I'm a giver, yep guilty as charged, constantly give to people. Some people are takers, unfortunately there must be a universal balance or we would tip off the earth. For both these types of people there must be a time when the giver takes and the taker gives, make sense? Stay with me on this one, it gets a little bent.
I've given freely to a certain person, jumped and made things happen, some of them asked for, some of them not. I have a bigger picture of what can be and work to make that picture a reality, I work really hard. I don't think I'm demanding but I might be? I'm open to that possibility. I know I have high standards, but so does this person, constantly questioning details and asking for the moon, when we only have cheese.
I do get riled when I ask for something in return and I don't receive, because I do so rarely ask. This has happened a couple of times with this person, not once, twice or even three times. So now, I have put the brakes on and ask them to step off my train. Cos I can't have someone that treats me with so little consideration sitting in First Class. First Class is for my friends that give just as freely as I do. First class is for those in my life that trust me and know that I don't ask because I'm bored or wanting attention. First class is for those around me that recognise the effort and are grateful, just as I am with them. First class is where the good seats are, where the house is warm and there is always an open door. First class is knowing that you can ring at any time and ask for anything and I'll try my damndest to get it for you. First class is for those that have my back, that watch out for me and love me :)
So sorry that you need to depart here, can I help you down from the train? I've packed you a lunch and put in a blanket in case the weather changes. I also put a torch in your bag so that you never lose your way. We have reached a fork in the tracks, my train takes me this way, your train will be along in a minute. Its been great to work with you and you are soo talented, you will be just fine.
Much love on your journey, see you at a station sometime:)
h2o
Leaving on jet plane don't know when I'll be back again...
OK, I'm over my intoxicification (thats not a real word, I "Homerised" it). Feet back on the ground, walking upright, cautious but doing ok. The beginning of this week ploughed me out. Media, can't stand them most days but when they're in your face its worse.
Jumping on a plane today and going far away. Gonna catch up with friends and have a night out:) Gonna try and hold back on the alcohol cos I've got the feeling that I could scare the bejezus out of people, LOL. I do know when I'll be back, but its much more exciting to think there are no plans, that I can just go and whatever I want will be:) Freedom to roam far and wide, cross mountains, scale sheer cliffs, run through rivers, leap fjords and fly over oceans. I've restrained myself my entire life, lawdy I'm tired of it.
Focusing on my business and what I need to do to get there. Self lecture most mornings, up-talking all situations, mowing over the old and tired little voice inside so that I can overcome the gremlins. I'm a few feet away from base-jumping out into the world.....find out shortly if my application was successful:)
Damn I need a massage, my shoulder blades scream because they're so tense. I have to stop manifesting my bullshit, perspective madam, for godsakes its not as if I'm creating a cure for cancer!! Its not too bad, I don't have a facial tick or anything but somedays I do feel like Quasimodo.
The weekend is here, I go back to face some demons and some angels. Lets hope they're easily identified, sometimes their masks get a little muddled. With my hand on my heart, let me see.
Rollin
H2o
Jumping on a plane today and going far away. Gonna catch up with friends and have a night out:) Gonna try and hold back on the alcohol cos I've got the feeling that I could scare the bejezus out of people, LOL. I do know when I'll be back, but its much more exciting to think there are no plans, that I can just go and whatever I want will be:) Freedom to roam far and wide, cross mountains, scale sheer cliffs, run through rivers, leap fjords and fly over oceans. I've restrained myself my entire life, lawdy I'm tired of it.
Focusing on my business and what I need to do to get there. Self lecture most mornings, up-talking all situations, mowing over the old and tired little voice inside so that I can overcome the gremlins. I'm a few feet away from base-jumping out into the world.....find out shortly if my application was successful:)
Damn I need a massage, my shoulder blades scream because they're so tense. I have to stop manifesting my bullshit, perspective madam, for godsakes its not as if I'm creating a cure for cancer!! Its not too bad, I don't have a facial tick or anything but somedays I do feel like Quasimodo.
The weekend is here, I go back to face some demons and some angels. Lets hope they're easily identified, sometimes their masks get a little muddled. With my hand on my heart, let me see.
Rollin
H2o
Monday, 29 October 2007
P*&%ed
I'm drunk, pissed, munted, fucked. I had a few drinks and now I'm eliminated mentally. Maybe it will flow now? Maybe it wont be sooo exact, easy and slippery. I'm listening to Lupe Fiasco and Mathew Santos, "Superstar", I love that song. I wonder how I got to be here and how come karma wants to meet on the battlefield every fucking 5 minutes.
I paid my dues this year, got a KO, took a beating, stumbled and kneeled before the creator. Not low enough you say? My face is to the earth, there is no place lower....
Trying to ponder the lesson, listening carefully, trying to decipher what it is the universe wants me to hear. I'm listening.
If Heaven was a mile away, would I pack up bags and move there....?
Thanks Nas and Mary J Blige. The phone just rang, its hard to be pissed and talk coherently, not cool at all. I think I was understoon, too bad if I wasn't. Lips like rubber bands, feet like sand bags.. what the hell. Better Man by Pearl Jam.
But the vodka flows anyway. Cheers everyone. Today was too hard, sometimes its too hard.
I paid my dues this year, got a KO, took a beating, stumbled and kneeled before the creator. Not low enough you say? My face is to the earth, there is no place lower....
Trying to ponder the lesson, listening carefully, trying to decipher what it is the universe wants me to hear. I'm listening.
If Heaven was a mile away, would I pack up bags and move there....?
Thanks Nas and Mary J Blige. The phone just rang, its hard to be pissed and talk coherently, not cool at all. I think I was understoon, too bad if I wasn't. Lips like rubber bands, feet like sand bags.. what the hell. Better Man by Pearl Jam.
But the vodka flows anyway. Cheers everyone. Today was too hard, sometimes its too hard.
Sunday, 28 October 2007
Summertime
Enough of the gloom. The sun is shining, summer approaches on cat feet, slinking slowly into town. The sun rises at 6am now and so do I, I love the mornings. My mind is clear and sharp, I can focus and achieve more in the hours from 5.30am to 9am than for the rest of the day put together. Do I wake grumpy? hardly ever. Sometimes I have a headache, but even then grumpy is not part of my personality at that time of the morning. I save grumpy for later on in the day when my energy is drained.
Mostly I am really happy to be alive and even more so when the sun is shining and the heat slowly rises through the ground.
Summer invokes blackberries, cicadas, lawnmowers, daisies, water and music. I love summer and I love the sun. Today I am having most of these things and the Ocean. I'm heading out to enjoy a day in the sea, collectiong shellfish and just being away, away from home, away from work, away from the hum drum. Yay. Throwing towels, flasks, snacks into a bag and heading out into the sunlight. Enjoy the day, wherever you are.
H20
Mostly I am really happy to be alive and even more so when the sun is shining and the heat slowly rises through the ground.
Summer invokes blackberries, cicadas, lawnmowers, daisies, water and music. I love summer and I love the sun. Today I am having most of these things and the Ocean. I'm heading out to enjoy a day in the sea, collectiong shellfish and just being away, away from home, away from work, away from the hum drum. Yay. Throwing towels, flasks, snacks into a bag and heading out into the sunlight. Enjoy the day, wherever you are.
H20
Sunday, 21 October 2007
Little Me
Here is little me, 4 years old, scared( actually petrified) lonely, frightened
and serious. Deadly serious. Lacking joy and spontaneity. I look at this picture and it reminds me that the early years were sad. I remember feeling powerless, defenceless too. As if monsters swirled around me, prodding and pinching me, tripping and scratching me. My demons which resided within, certainly felt as if they resided without as well.
I still feel her presence and all the emotions that typified my childhood every now and then. Today I feel powerless, the grapefruit in my throat is present from these days, I hurt, deeply and mournfully. I am alone in my boat, far out at sea, adrift,with no one around me. This feeling is all too present in my life.
I am the captain of my ship, I am the captain of my ship.
Where shall I sail to in my mind?
Let the waters be peaceful, lapping and gentle. Let there be sunshine, dancing and dazzling on each small wave.
Let me sail to peace.
Saturday, 22 September 2007
Where the F*&#k is my mojo
I lost it. I lost my fudking zest for life, my wiring is burned out, I feel like a happy meal without the happy. I'm f*&ked. My bills are skyrocketing, I have no money and I'm seriously considering selling my home. My counselling is knocking me out and I can barely stand to be alive. I'm depressed, I want to go to bed all the time and sleep a million years, or at least till its all over...whats all over? The mayhem, the struggle, the chaos, the pain. I'm so tired. I want certain members of my family out of my life and I want some emotional comfort.
Hollow, thats what it is, hollow. An outward appearance that is normal, but underneath, hollow.
Anyone with spare mojo should send to www.jeezi'mnotfeelingit.com
Thanks in advance, whateva.
h2
Hollow, thats what it is, hollow. An outward appearance that is normal, but underneath, hollow.
Anyone with spare mojo should send to www.jeezi'mnotfeelingit.com
Thanks in advance, whateva.
h2
Thursday, 13 September 2007
Monday, 10 September 2007
IMU
I miss u horribly, I wish I didnt but I do. I want to fill the void that is u, I think too much about what you're doing, how ur day is, what ur thinking. I get busy and the hours churn passed, but as I stop and take time to have lunch or a cup of tea, I think of you. The heart wants what the heart wants, until it wants no more.
Sunday, 9 September 2007
Childhood and the realm of all beasts
I am the product of my childhood, where all my fears and survival tactics were created and shaped, to manifest themselves in the adult I am today.
Some of those fears are in full bloom, my fear of committment, marriage and partnership. My fear that I will turn out like my parents (just knowing this fact will stop me from becoming them, but still I persist with this thought and it lurks in my mental closet, like a giant black spider)
My harshness for others and my judgement of those around me, just as my parents did and probably their parents before them. I have no solution for my sharpness and distain. All I know is that it makes me desperately unhappy and I'm tired of it. If I am sharp then I am met with sharpness from others. No wonder Mr Kind and Right hasn't shown up...:)
I dig into my past and try and find the root of these problems, grab them by the base and pull as hard as I can, trying to make them loosen their grip on me...but maybe that is a large part of the problem. Not owning them and holding them close to me, accepting them as part of me?
My childhood was largely unhappy. If I remember back I recall that I was very quiet. I remember small things that let me know that I lacked any type of confidence. I remember crying for what seemed like the first two weeks of school, the teacher trying to shame me into stopping by making me stand in front of the class while they sat on the mat. It didnt make me stop, I just cried more and more, until he yelled at me to stand in the corner facing the wall. That didnt stop me either, this went on for days until I was finally sent up into the attic to the head teachers office. I dont know what happened up there, but I think something did, I stopped crying thats for sure. I was 5. I dont know what teachers were taught back then, but I do think he was a prick of a teacher. I remember having very few friends, maybe one? I remember eating lunch alone, with a lump in my throat the size of a grapefruit (well it "felt" that size) and not being able to eat my peanut butter sandwiches. To this day I dont enjoy peanut butter sandwiches.
For all of you out there that has a child within that is lonely, afraid or scared. Be gentle and be kind. We are a product of our childhood, but we can overcome :) I'm working my little brain as hard as I can to get to the source and purge it once and for all, so that the beasts can finally become just plain old animals on a farm and no longer stampeding through my dreams gnashing and clawing at me. I let them free.
Love an peace y'all
h20
Some of those fears are in full bloom, my fear of committment, marriage and partnership. My fear that I will turn out like my parents (just knowing this fact will stop me from becoming them, but still I persist with this thought and it lurks in my mental closet, like a giant black spider)
My harshness for others and my judgement of those around me, just as my parents did and probably their parents before them. I have no solution for my sharpness and distain. All I know is that it makes me desperately unhappy and I'm tired of it. If I am sharp then I am met with sharpness from others. No wonder Mr Kind and Right hasn't shown up...:)
I dig into my past and try and find the root of these problems, grab them by the base and pull as hard as I can, trying to make them loosen their grip on me...but maybe that is a large part of the problem. Not owning them and holding them close to me, accepting them as part of me?
My childhood was largely unhappy. If I remember back I recall that I was very quiet. I remember small things that let me know that I lacked any type of confidence. I remember crying for what seemed like the first two weeks of school, the teacher trying to shame me into stopping by making me stand in front of the class while they sat on the mat. It didnt make me stop, I just cried more and more, until he yelled at me to stand in the corner facing the wall. That didnt stop me either, this went on for days until I was finally sent up into the attic to the head teachers office. I dont know what happened up there, but I think something did, I stopped crying thats for sure. I was 5. I dont know what teachers were taught back then, but I do think he was a prick of a teacher. I remember having very few friends, maybe one? I remember eating lunch alone, with a lump in my throat the size of a grapefruit (well it "felt" that size) and not being able to eat my peanut butter sandwiches. To this day I dont enjoy peanut butter sandwiches.
For all of you out there that has a child within that is lonely, afraid or scared. Be gentle and be kind. We are a product of our childhood, but we can overcome :) I'm working my little brain as hard as I can to get to the source and purge it once and for all, so that the beasts can finally become just plain old animals on a farm and no longer stampeding through my dreams gnashing and clawing at me. I let them free.
Love an peace y'all
h20
Wednesday, 5 September 2007
The bottomless bucket
I've been seeing a counsellor for the last two weeks.
Just a short diversion for anyone who happens to read this and have never been to a counsellor. Counsellors are paid ears. Say and voice all of your crap in the time you have because you are paying for it. Use every second to dissect and wrestle with your demons, they are paid to assist you and give you perspective on your life BUT you must participate and be open to all that you reveal and learn. Bear your soul and become alive, rush in where the angels fear to tread and shine a light on all of your internal horrors, you will survive, you already have:)
I dont understand people who go to see a counsellor and say nothing, twiddle their thumbs and wonder why they dont feel helped or relieved. I go into every session with a mental list of what I want to talk about, things that I want to tear apart and put back together, explore my glitches and my weaknesses, my darkness and my light, my sorrows and my sleepless beast.
In the past week I have cried in the middle of shopping for bread, while talking to warehouse owners, factory managers, in the local shop and while eating dinner. I thought I was doing so well, I seriously pondered that and really believed that I was coping, really coping. Deluded is the word I would use to describe myself, deluded with a smile. Of course there is massive grief, I am not coping, I cry. I am in denial:) A safe bubble of nothingness, where no emotion exists and there is no pressure to function beyond getting up and greeting those around me with enough conviction to get by. My she's coping well I hear them say ......my my my what a load of bullocks.
Its ok now, I realise that I just had shut it all away, put my emotions in a locked box and pretended that there was no pain. There is pain, there are tears, there are moments of great sadness, I am grieving. I cry to release, I cry to express my pain, I cry because it feels better, I cry to expend that awful energy that hangs with my grief. I rage and I rant and I cry.
I do it because I want to feel better.
I am exhausted tonight, I am tired because I opened so many boxes and looked inside with horror and sadness. I remembered and my heart broke all over again. I am applying salve as we speak. My wounds are raw and painful but I know they are healing.
Sleep, sleep, turning down the volume on the parts of me that live in disquiet. Hush, those parts of me that shiver and whine. Sleep, be gentle and sleep.
Just a short diversion for anyone who happens to read this and have never been to a counsellor. Counsellors are paid ears. Say and voice all of your crap in the time you have because you are paying for it. Use every second to dissect and wrestle with your demons, they are paid to assist you and give you perspective on your life BUT you must participate and be open to all that you reveal and learn. Bear your soul and become alive, rush in where the angels fear to tread and shine a light on all of your internal horrors, you will survive, you already have:)
I dont understand people who go to see a counsellor and say nothing, twiddle their thumbs and wonder why they dont feel helped or relieved. I go into every session with a mental list of what I want to talk about, things that I want to tear apart and put back together, explore my glitches and my weaknesses, my darkness and my light, my sorrows and my sleepless beast.
In the past week I have cried in the middle of shopping for bread, while talking to warehouse owners, factory managers, in the local shop and while eating dinner. I thought I was doing so well, I seriously pondered that and really believed that I was coping, really coping. Deluded is the word I would use to describe myself, deluded with a smile. Of course there is massive grief, I am not coping, I cry. I am in denial:) A safe bubble of nothingness, where no emotion exists and there is no pressure to function beyond getting up and greeting those around me with enough conviction to get by. My she's coping well I hear them say ......my my my what a load of bullocks.
Its ok now, I realise that I just had shut it all away, put my emotions in a locked box and pretended that there was no pain. There is pain, there are tears, there are moments of great sadness, I am grieving. I cry to release, I cry to express my pain, I cry because it feels better, I cry to expend that awful energy that hangs with my grief. I rage and I rant and I cry.
I do it because I want to feel better.
I am exhausted tonight, I am tired because I opened so many boxes and looked inside with horror and sadness. I remembered and my heart broke all over again. I am applying salve as we speak. My wounds are raw and painful but I know they are healing.
Sleep, sleep, turning down the volume on the parts of me that live in disquiet. Hush, those parts of me that shiver and whine. Sleep, be gentle and sleep.
Monday, 3 September 2007
Love that song
Apologise by OneRepublic and Timbaland, love it....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm0T7_SGee4
Wednesday, 25 April 2007
Too many pots on the fire...
Feeling a little tired tonight. Too many things to do, not enough energy or time :) I feel like I've woken up after a 5 year comma, with opportunities rising up before me each day as if they're on a high speed conveyor belt, if I miss it, the chance is gone forever or until that conveyor belt comes full circle which will be too late. Am I going through a mid-life crisis? Probably. I dont think these crisis' have a disposition to a particular gender, just the realisation that I'm half way sends me into a mental tizz!
I finally feel like I'm old enough to get married. Strange but true. I never ever felt that I had the maturity or the committment to give it a go. To be truthful, my record for interaction with the opposite sex is pathetic. I think I put lots of things in the way of achieving a great relationship - motherhood, parenting, work, depression, hatefest - lawd the list goes on.....as it does when I'm practising avoidance. But I'm ready to give it another shot. I think I know my vices pretty well, my faults, my penchants, my obsessions and compulsions. I also know my strengths, my beliefs, my charming quirks and my value :) Some guy is going to get a really good deal - LOL.
Anyway, back to the subject of this blog. I'm going to start my own business soon, its the fear of jumping off the edge and away from a consistent salary that scares the hell out of me. With a sizable mortgage I have to consider this, but with research and some serious calculations I can eleviate some of the stress by getting a really thorough overview of where I'm heading and what I can expect. But at the moment, all my pots are on the fire, all coming to the boil at the same time. I need to move some of the pots to the back so that theres a continuous meal going on and not burnt offerings :)
Going to head off to bed, I'm tired - physically and mentally.
Adios amigo
H2
I finally feel like I'm old enough to get married. Strange but true. I never ever felt that I had the maturity or the committment to give it a go. To be truthful, my record for interaction with the opposite sex is pathetic. I think I put lots of things in the way of achieving a great relationship - motherhood, parenting, work, depression, hatefest - lawd the list goes on.....as it does when I'm practising avoidance. But I'm ready to give it another shot. I think I know my vices pretty well, my faults, my penchants, my obsessions and compulsions. I also know my strengths, my beliefs, my charming quirks and my value :) Some guy is going to get a really good deal - LOL.
Anyway, back to the subject of this blog. I'm going to start my own business soon, its the fear of jumping off the edge and away from a consistent salary that scares the hell out of me. With a sizable mortgage I have to consider this, but with research and some serious calculations I can eleviate some of the stress by getting a really thorough overview of where I'm heading and what I can expect. But at the moment, all my pots are on the fire, all coming to the boil at the same time. I need to move some of the pots to the back so that theres a continuous meal going on and not burnt offerings :)
Going to head off to bed, I'm tired - physically and mentally.
Adios amigo
H2
Sunday, 1 April 2007
If you think it, it will become
My dream is coming true, I put it out there and it is becoming reality. Being human can be so rewarding :)
Thank you
Thank you
Wednesday, 28 March 2007
Corks in a bottle
The weekend was spectacular, sunny, bright, hot and heavenly. I had a friend stay and we manicly spent a day trying to squeeze in two days of activity. Dinner at a little vegetarian restaurant 'The lotus heart', its atmosphere was like heavens waiting room. The colours and the vibe were very tranquil, I couldnt imagine a rowdy family dinner there. Very sophisticated and the food was good. All the women wore sari and most times I am really dubious of non Indians wearing sari, its a little crazy to me, too much wannabe when you just need to be. But they were ok and it added to the ambience. There was one strange moment when they sang happy birthday to someone of importance who was dining that same night. It was a very Catholic school choir rendition of the song, chanted, gregorian monk-like....I wondered if the roller doors might come down over the windows and doors for a split second, trapping us for eternity. All in all, a very unique, pleasant evening, thoroughly surreal.
In the morning we crashed and bashed our way through 10 garage sales and fairs. Both of us are manic about these types of events. Beady eyes, quick hands, moving swiftly in for the kill. Its all a game to be played with oneself, can you scour and detect the very best item there and then obtain it for the least amount of money? All to be bought home like a magpies treasure chest and admired all over again before each treasure finds a new home in a nook or cranny.
Sunday I went swimming, I dove into the rolling waves and proceeded to get knocked off my feet, onto my knees, gulping litres of sea water, filling my ears (which drives me into a frenzy trying to shake it out) and generally thrashed around like a cork in a bottle. Loved it, loved the feeling of the waves, the water, the sun and sand. Trying to swim beyond the breaking waves and being thrown back into their path, like being pawed around by a really really big cat.
The sea or any body of water invigorates me, I leave the water feeling alive, refreshed and revived. Water will always be my purification, it is so easy to understand why it is reverred by so many around the world. The act of cleansing can be total in spirit, body and mind.
The day begins, carpe diem :)
In the morning we crashed and bashed our way through 10 garage sales and fairs. Both of us are manic about these types of events. Beady eyes, quick hands, moving swiftly in for the kill. Its all a game to be played with oneself, can you scour and detect the very best item there and then obtain it for the least amount of money? All to be bought home like a magpies treasure chest and admired all over again before each treasure finds a new home in a nook or cranny.
Sunday I went swimming, I dove into the rolling waves and proceeded to get knocked off my feet, onto my knees, gulping litres of sea water, filling my ears (which drives me into a frenzy trying to shake it out) and generally thrashed around like a cork in a bottle. Loved it, loved the feeling of the waves, the water, the sun and sand. Trying to swim beyond the breaking waves and being thrown back into their path, like being pawed around by a really really big cat.
The sea or any body of water invigorates me, I leave the water feeling alive, refreshed and revived. Water will always be my purification, it is so easy to understand why it is reverred by so many around the world. The act of cleansing can be total in spirit, body and mind.
The day begins, carpe diem :)
Wednesday, 21 March 2007
Monday, 19 March 2007
Homely Girl
There was once a manly woman who lived a series of dramas that were sometimes linked by life. Sandwiched in between the breath-holding acts of comedy were snippets of seriousness, sometimes depression and frequent bouts of unconciousness. Sometimes years passed without the slightest ripple in her demeanour, sometimes it seemed that she lurched from one ring of the circus to the next. But always, she lived just beneath the surface, submerged, undetected and fighting few currents.
Given her reluctance to be visible to the public it almost felt to her, that when she was visible, it might be apparent from the moon.
It wasn't her fault. She learnt much later in life about the power of attraction and the effect this power could have on all things in ones life, including embarassing moments. For some, this might number 5, but could be multiplied to 500 with someone that was obsessive in their concentration.
The mere thought of tripping on the stairs in front of a potential mate can then become a real- life slipping, tripping, bannister gripping, skirt-ripping, ankle-twisting, not able to rise from the floor ocassion. What is there to say when all dignity is lost with the somersaulting shoes, as they flip heel over heel in slow motion, the left hand reaches out for the rail that is no longer there and the body fights to maintain control in an uncontrollable situation, the limbs languishing like an epilectic octopus .
Quickly the physical pain replaces pain from shame. And at once the movie plays back quickly in her mind, and a genuine giggle escapes and rolls from deep inside her belly all the way up and breaks forth from her lips. The ability to view herself and her adventures from a third person perspective is a gift, an amazing escape from isolating humiliation and a welcome hug into the shared laughter that often followed her. Thus her presence can be strangely dramatic and comedic without the intention of either :) This year she turns 41 and still reserves a corner of her heart for teenage angst and craziness.
Know thyself, embrace thyself :)
Given her reluctance to be visible to the public it almost felt to her, that when she was visible, it might be apparent from the moon.
It wasn't her fault. She learnt much later in life about the power of attraction and the effect this power could have on all things in ones life, including embarassing moments. For some, this might number 5, but could be multiplied to 500 with someone that was obsessive in their concentration.
The mere thought of tripping on the stairs in front of a potential mate can then become a real- life slipping, tripping, bannister gripping, skirt-ripping, ankle-twisting, not able to rise from the floor ocassion. What is there to say when all dignity is lost with the somersaulting shoes, as they flip heel over heel in slow motion, the left hand reaches out for the rail that is no longer there and the body fights to maintain control in an uncontrollable situation, the limbs languishing like an epilectic octopus .
Quickly the physical pain replaces pain from shame. And at once the movie plays back quickly in her mind, and a genuine giggle escapes and rolls from deep inside her belly all the way up and breaks forth from her lips. The ability to view herself and her adventures from a third person perspective is a gift, an amazing escape from isolating humiliation and a welcome hug into the shared laughter that often followed her. Thus her presence can be strangely dramatic and comedic without the intention of either :) This year she turns 41 and still reserves a corner of her heart for teenage angst and craziness.
Know thyself, embrace thyself :)
Sunday, 11 March 2007
Is this the life?
Sunday evening, mulling over the days events. Sorting and sifting, thoughts into compartments, tucking them into bed, closing the drawers, keeping the mental tidy.
Got up early this morning, couldn't seem to sleep past 7am (usual), made myself toast and opened the door to the Bailey (Rottweiler/Staffy cross, big Cujo of a dog), let the cat out.
Bailey always bolts in, nearly knocking me to the ground with her enthusiasm. Being allowed inside is a BIG deal. She's allowed in for 5 mins while I get her food prepared.
Nala is my male cat, although I think both of my animals have gender identity issues. Nala is the moochiest, softee cat in the world. He often retreats inside when the neighbourhood gets too tough :) Fair enough, not everyone needs to be a fighter. He IS the BEST hunter of mice and of course that redeems him in all ways in my eyes.
Bailey on the other hand is a big lout. Bailey often chases Nala because she's jealous of him (that furry thing that gets to stay inside ALL of the time)
After they were sorted I washed a couple of loads of clothes and hung them out, did the dishes and mopped the floor. By then it was time to go to the market.
I bought a beautiful old pale yellow enamel teapot with an old fashioned yellow and brown knitted teacosy. As I was admiring its perfect condition I dropped it.......ugh. I shuddered when I heard it crash to the ground. My once perfect teapot now had a horrible gouge out its side.....BOOOO. I felt like stamping me feet at my clumsiness and then I actually felt like dropkicking it across the market. Those lessons keep rolling in. I was so pleased and then so forlorn in a matter of seconds:)
I came home and tidied the house and headed out to a youth concert at a local park with my sister and my two neices. It was good, but I really enjoyed the krumping. If I was 20 years younger I'd be there. I like the music and I like the moves, like a cross between hip-hop, haka and voodoo, wicked energy, love it. For myself I actually really like krumping , I'm not a wannabe, I'm happy being 40, but its good to be able to really appreciate whats happening with young people. Get out the DVD "Rize", its awesome.
Nows its evening, I've had a shower, the dogs been walked and fed, the cat has too. Its time to do my hair in preparation for work tomorrow. I'm gonna watch the movie in an hour and then off to the land of nod. The hours fly by and still I have to push myself some more, find the next door and walk through. Later.
Got up early this morning, couldn't seem to sleep past 7am (usual), made myself toast and opened the door to the Bailey (Rottweiler/Staffy cross, big Cujo of a dog), let the cat out.
Bailey always bolts in, nearly knocking me to the ground with her enthusiasm. Being allowed inside is a BIG deal. She's allowed in for 5 mins while I get her food prepared.
Nala is my male cat, although I think both of my animals have gender identity issues. Nala is the moochiest, softee cat in the world. He often retreats inside when the neighbourhood gets too tough :) Fair enough, not everyone needs to be a fighter. He IS the BEST hunter of mice and of course that redeems him in all ways in my eyes.
Bailey on the other hand is a big lout. Bailey often chases Nala because she's jealous of him (that furry thing that gets to stay inside ALL of the time)
After they were sorted I washed a couple of loads of clothes and hung them out, did the dishes and mopped the floor. By then it was time to go to the market.
I bought a beautiful old pale yellow enamel teapot with an old fashioned yellow and brown knitted teacosy. As I was admiring its perfect condition I dropped it.......ugh. I shuddered when I heard it crash to the ground. My once perfect teapot now had a horrible gouge out its side.....BOOOO. I felt like stamping me feet at my clumsiness and then I actually felt like dropkicking it across the market. Those lessons keep rolling in. I was so pleased and then so forlorn in a matter of seconds:)
I came home and tidied the house and headed out to a youth concert at a local park with my sister and my two neices. It was good, but I really enjoyed the krumping. If I was 20 years younger I'd be there. I like the music and I like the moves, like a cross between hip-hop, haka and voodoo, wicked energy, love it. For myself I actually really like krumping , I'm not a wannabe, I'm happy being 40, but its good to be able to really appreciate whats happening with young people. Get out the DVD "Rize", its awesome.
Nows its evening, I've had a shower, the dogs been walked and fed, the cat has too. Its time to do my hair in preparation for work tomorrow. I'm gonna watch the movie in an hour and then off to the land of nod. The hours fly by and still I have to push myself some more, find the next door and walk through. Later.
Saturday, 10 March 2007
Monday, 5 March 2007
Washing machination
I've hit a few holes in the proverbial road of life. I have something like a flat tyre, a little of out air and lacking the necessary cushion to keep rolling. I'm looking for the good, to remind myself of how things could be, treading water and gripping on to the side of the pool:)
Funnily enough if I was in water I would be giggling in no time, water does that to me, it makes all the good things in life rise to the surface and break free to the air, cackling with the realisation that this wonderful substance is the giver of life and healing.
I've been pretty busy - setting up beds, putting up curtain rods and curtains, making beds, putting up mirrors and ornaments, filling holes, assembling drawers, washing basins, scrubbing the bath, washing floors, setting things right in home and mind.
For me, when my room is a mess it usually reflects whats going on in my spirit and mind. I finally tackled my room in the weekend, dragging my ass, putting off what has to be done, has to be done!
So I set to and got it sorted :) Put everything back where it needed to be, bought my bedroom back into balance, bought my spirit with me. Simple really, dont know why I wonder off and make a mess :) Just being my human self I guess.
I moved house three weeks ago, gone a long way from where I used to live. Left my friends behind, transferred to another office, bought my own run down house and started living alone, although I'm not lonely :) I did this intentionally, I needed to change my life, get out of my comfort zone, leave some old patterns that weren't doing me much good and take a leap of faith. Some people do this when they are much younger, I've done it when I was ready :) Girl, you took a while, I hear them say.
So as I write I remember all that I have and the weight of my thoughts is lighter and I feel better. Because there are others that are in pain, who suffer and struggle in much worse places.
Yep, grateful be they name. Sky and back.
h2
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