Sunday, 5 July 2009

Mr Darcy

Its been 6 months since I posted on here. I can hardly believe that I will have been here for a year in 5 weeks time. It has been a rush of time and activity, with few opportunities for breathing. In 4 weeks I will move home to a place opposite the beach. It has 3 bedrooms and a balcony that looks over the ocean. It is a house that centres around the kitchen. To say I am pleased would be an understatement :) Its less rent and its bigger. Downside - it has no fireplace or potbelly (like I have now), it has limited privacy (unlike my trees and corner section that I have now) and no bath tub (shower only). With that said, I'm moving. I can have a spare room for frequent friends and a workroom instead of the towering stack of boxes and cabinets that currently clutter my spare room.
And then theres the proximity of the beach. No more needs to be said. We are still in the midst of winter but I will survive with oil column heating and electric blankets.
My 43rd birthday approaches and I'll celebrate my increased aging with friends and a dinner party, the subliminal message will be to farewell the little cottage that has provided my sanctuary over the last year. It has served me well.
I have been watching the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. Colin Firth as Mr Darcy is inspired viewing. I am a fan of British period drama.......a complete fop for empire line dresses, morning coats and breeches. I made a special trip into the city to buy the complete series of Pride and Prejudice after catching one rerun of the series. I couldn't wait until next week....
Mr Darcy is the ultimate alpha Male for me, I base all my ideals on his portrayal. I am hoping Mr Darcy will be at my dinner party, there are two candidates....both of them with receding hairlines, but Mr Darcy is more about attitude than looks :) Come hither Mr Attitude, sit close.
I also picked up garden lights, lanterns and outdoor fairy lights for my approaching dinner party. Yes, I'm having a midwinter dinner party outside. Apparently the cold is good for us as we age. Too much mollycoddling softens us up and our systems seize more easily.
I'm sure Mr Darcy doesn't feel the cold.

Thursday, 4 December 2008

More bullshit

Work is doing my head in. The people are ignorant and I am taking the day off cos I feel drained. I am going for a walk along the beach, its summer and warm even though its 5.30am. I have been awake since 3.30am.....I need to get real. I also need to sort a stress plan, cos this isn't life. I over burden myself with worry. Most of it not mine, but I insist on carrying it anyway.....where the hell did I put my life? Must have left it on the bedside table.....
Anyway, this bad habit needs kicking so I'm heading out to commune with the sand and the water.
walk, talk, file, shelve, muster, prod, coral, coerce


Friday, 28 November 2008

tagged by Sarah

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random arbitrary things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.
  1. Shame, I don't even know how to link!!!! Failed
  2. Done, phew....!
  3. I smoked for 20 years, quit 7 yrs ago....I know, I started young. I went through surgical menopause at 30....again, I'm ahead of the game...what can I say? Ummm I buy my clothes second hand. I could lie and say I was recycling but I'm not. I just don't waste good money on overpriced clothes. Before you scream, I have a very good wardrone....:P I got my drivers license at 40 so I could legally drive...every now and then I lick soap/laundry powder (its a chemical imbalance thing), sounds gross, it is. I've got 7 tattoos and not all of them 'fit' the corporate look, my own version of fucking with ya....:)
  4. Ummm dont know 6 peeps and sure as hell can't link to them, so if you reading this, consider yourself tagged
  5. Ditto
  6. Sarah, heading to you now.....geez that was pathetic H2

Friday, 21 November 2008

Death becomes us

When I looked at my cellphone this morning, the time read 3.18am. I wonder why the hell I have to open my eyes and allow my brain to begin its torrent of information so early in the morning. I develop bad habits easily. All this week it has been 4am a life.
Its now 5.02 and what started out as a mere flickering of my eyelids has now become my full blown day. In the time since I first opened my eyes I have washed the dishes, had breakfast and replied to my emails.
Tonight one of my sisters is arriving and we're going to have a few drinks down the road at the local pub, that should add at least an hour to my waking time tomorrow.....we'll see.
Anyway, I started this post to talk about the impact of actions.
I've been to two funerals this week, both of the older men, who had lived for a good innings, 83 and 70 respectively. Both brilliant minds, both well respected, both human, both living archives.
One of them was an elder at the place that I work. I had booked an interview with him because i knew he was unwell and then he passed away before I could complete the interview.
That sounds a bit morbid, but i believe its really important to record people who have made a huge impact on the people around them. I think the documentation of a persons life can be a great gift to those left behind. And while thats true, its usually only important to those that remember them as a person, living and breathing. I was quite upset that I missed my opportunity to record him before he passed but the more I think about it, the more I am sure that future generations will be better off hearing stories of his acts, because no film can give you his entire personality because film doesn't give you that sense. If offers snippets and cuts for you to sew into your own personal quilt of perspective.
There are so many aspects of myself that I keep private that it will be hard to find one person that truly knows me :) I think that can be said of all of us. My motivations and expectations are based on my life experiences, never able to be explained by anyone but myself, but could be viewed by others as eccentric and unstable. That would be fair.
The life I am living is my version of events, my perspective, my own wide view lense. I react to all circumstances in ways which only I know about.
For instance, when I go to the Dentist I often hold back fearful tears. I have a few tears because my fears visit me from long ago. I travel back in time to a 6 y old girl that was sat in the dentist chair and had other mothers paraded in front of me to show them my 'disgusting teeth'. I didnt tell my own mother about this story when i was little, because my own mother had her own problems....I realise now that the Dental Nurse was a bitch with 'her' own problems. Nothing is as personal as we think, its all about our own experiences that usually dictate our behaviour. Who knows what act of powerlessness led the Dental Nurse to demonstrate power and cruelty later in life?
Back to topic. I had the honour in having these men in my life as people of knowledge, maturity and grace. I am not sure what others had experienced with them but that is my experience. They were good men, who lived life with flair and charm. I wanted to bear testament to their imprint on my life. When they closed the casket I felt a deep sense of sorrow. Just because they will never walk this earth again, because I will never bump into them on the street, because I will never sit down and have a conversation or an argument with them again, because I will never ask them another question, because I will never be able to be comforted by their wisdom and counsel again. Life can be so insular, but its really about the effect we can have on others that is the true measure.
Ki oku kaumatua, haere ki ona tupuna. Haere, haere, haere atu ra.

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Nostalgic November

I'm having a waltz down memory lane this month. Playing Bob Marley every day like I used to when I was 15, life was complicated, hormonal and dramatic. But Uncle Bob just cruised on the stereo being his laid-back self. 25 years later, he is still doing it for me. I can't work up the energy to even think stress when he's playing. Not that his lyrics are soft or anything, just the groove is more syrup than steel.
My fathers anniversary was two weeks ago, 12 years he's been gone. Its a long short time. I think this new place has some interesting challenges for me.
As a rule I am not a lonely person, but I can be a loner. I like to be around people and I like my time alone. All my life I have lived within 50km of a member of my family (sisters to be exact). Not that I visited them regularly but just the thought provided me with a nice, fuzzy security blanket. Here, there is no one, I am literally alone. I have a friend from a long time ago that I work with, but he has a young family and is not really available for brunches or popping out for coffee......thats single friends behaviour. I am living semi rural so my pool of perspective friends is decreased by the fact that my working hours are spent in the city and my home life is rural...
Interesting predicament I am finding myself in. I am planning more activity classes in the city in the new year, but until then I'm wandering free.
As I say that I look at my house and think, well you do have stuff to get on with, so get to it!
I finished my last contract last week. Best get on with that 40 something life I wanted :)
Get up Stand up is playing, how appropriate...come on girl, get up and stand up....
Chillin Sunday, oh and by the way.....I love that the US voted in Barack Obama, just the courage of that act softened my heart, I had my faith restored after watching that election. I never thought I would see something like that in my lifetime and I'm watching with a deep interest to see how he goes. Maintain courage people, yes you can.


Friday, 17 October 2008

Run Home Nala

My cat died. I left him with my mother 10 weeks ago when I moved up here and now he's dead. My sister tells me tonight that he died two night ago. I think she's not telling me the whole story.
I had Nala for 13 years, he was fostered out to my sister for 1 year when I developed a bad allergy and came back once I was over it. Nala was a beautiful jet black cat, that was very quiet and always gentle. He was the softest, non aggressive TomCat I ever met.

After I left he had gotten into a fight and was badly hurt. He had to be taken to the vet because he couldnt walk, he developed a bad abcess on his shoulder that got badly infected. I found this out later, after he was on antibiotics and healing. About 4 weeks ago I dreamt that Nala was crying and looking for me, I asked my daughter to go and visit him and see if he was ok. She said he was ok, just really quiet and sleeping alot.

He never had any illness with me, never got badly hurt or needed a vet. I feel like a selfish son of a bitch that took off and left him behind and threw him to the dogs. But I missed him when I moved here, I miss my dog too. I thought he was gonna have a quiet life with Mum, no hassles and a cruisy retirement. I didn't think he was gonna scrap it out and get beaten up.

I cried alot when I found out tonight. I feel like I let him down. Just like I let my friend down. I'm still crying. I hope he didn't suffer too much. I'm sorry I left him behind and I feel really bad, really bad. I hope he's forgiven me for leaving him.
Run home Nala.

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

New Life

I haven't posted for a while because of a few reasons.
1 I feel light, the darkness is far away :)
2 I have a new job that keeps me busy, very busy
3 I have dial up internet access because I live in a rural area, its the cost of living in a beautiful seaside village and I no longer want to sit and wait for the sporadic, temperamental connection
4 I have nothing to write :) which is a good thing, because i have always said that my blog is about my darkness, not my light :)
5 I'm happy
6 I'm happy
I'll be back, probably when things close in around me, but for now I am running free.
Thanks always