Sponging

These last few days I've been leeching off others posts and leaving comments here there and everywhere. Not contributing to my own post because I haven't been in an interesting frame of mind. Sort of like doing the rounds and going to other peoples houses for dinner, but not inviting them to dinner at my house.
Sponging.

I have a few balls up in the air, some haven't come back down and a couple that have are broken.

My daughters 21st is 4 weeks away. In NZ the 21st birthday is huge, a transition from childhood to adulthood (very quaint and old fashioned ritual, because as far as I know, children become adults aroung the age of 15 but still remain childlike till around 30). So its a big deal and I'm buying into it like an alcoholic at a homebrew expo.

I have one child so everything is a oncer or at least thats how I rationalise my irrational behaviour. I have spent the last 2 weeks designing and creating her invitations ( a CD, a CD cover, a CD label) but my teeth have suffered from constant gnashing when my printer has failed, I've fed the paper wrong, the inks run out, the format is incorrect for the labels....all very testing on my warped little mind. I have to bend everything to my will.

So when there is a hiccup in the machine line I am fit to blow like a bazuka. The paper costs around $1.10 per sheet and when I look down and see 8 sheets that have been fucked up by the printer/inks and the machine operator (me) I get a little crazy. Its just as well I have lived alone for the most part of this operation. Women can be scary when shit doesn't happen.

I have an ache in my shoulder from incorrect posture, keyboard height, chair, fuck, whatever, basically a shit desk and a shit chair. over.

I'm about to cross over to no mans land this morning. A few posts back I talked about my client wanting to shift operations to the north island and how I went a little 'Danger Will Robinson' on his ass. Well, now I am about to suck his toes...the manufacturer is closing their workshop and will no longer do the work that I screamed about. My client was here two weeks ago, sorting out a huge order with them, did they mention any possible strife? NO, did they mention smoke in the air? NO.

Yeah I know companies try and trade it out, but the customers do too. The customers hopes that the relationship is built on trust and openness. I pay my big bill on time, you make my stuff. You don't tell me when the ship is going down and I leave you in dry dock where you belong, assholes.

Irony, huge cauldrons of steaming thick Irony, served anally with a hot silver ladle. I'm bending over as I type. I got duped and I batted for them.

I think I'll keep making 'Sweet Sixteen' type arrangements for my daughers 21st. Have you seen that programme?? it leaves me stupified. I asked my daughter if she would like a helicopter to pick her up for her party...she looked at me with a scared look in her eyes. She knows her mother is capable of arranging that crazy shit and much more. Its ok, I was just testing to see if my daughter was still human and hadn't become 21stzilla.

Yeah I feel for my daughter too, her mother is crazed. Can you imagine when the grandchildren arrive? lawd help them.

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Tomato

I grew a couple of tomato plants and a few tyres full of potatoes this year, I must admit it was my first pathetic attempt at grewing anything since I was a kid. Both crops failed to thrive.

When I was younger, much, we used to grow corn, tomatoes, lettuce, watermelon, pumpkin and peas in our backyard. That doesn't happen too much anymore and I think I planted and grew those tomatoes because I'm looking back, remembering and reinacting some of the good things in my life.

When I think of our garden it is always sunny, hot and clear. A snapshot of a perfect day.

My tomato and potato plants grew and were blighted, I managed to get one single tomato off each plant and a handful of marble-sized baby potatoes. They have withered and died. I don't remember our tomatoes and potatoes from childhood being blighted or lacking in produce. My memory is selective and my present day was disappointing. I am going to make one sandwich out of the tomatoe I grew and I'll saviour it while I eat.

I feel a need to get back to simple things after wandering so far away into the corporate jungle. At the time I loved all the business and some days I can hook straight back in without missing a beat. I've laughed at Texsmissuss posts on mediocrity because I can sooooo relate. I've even played a few of those games myself.

This year I will plan a winter garden and I will tend it better than I did the summer one. I have forgotten how to do certain things but I know with a little practise I can relearn them. Last year I flew to Australia and the States for work and holidayed in Asia. This year I will catch the bus to travel to Dunedin to look for work :)The irony makes me giggle.

I never imagined that I would ever step off that ladder, I liked the view, the money and the lifestyle. Now, its just a different way of being. My mind is not asleep but it does look alot different without the rose glasses and the bifocals :)

I think my business will be great once it gets going, but we'll see when we get there. The journey so far has been most interesting.

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WTF happened to my tracker

I guess Neoplanet ran out of free stuff, my counter has gone, sucky.
Oh well, getting over myself...

The Change

I just offered up my house to Social Services....well, not so dramatic, my spare bedroom to be exact. So that a child can come and stay some weekends and have a safe place to be. Yeah, my eyes are open. Enough wanking on about the suffering that some children are exposed to, just actions. I'm afraid, of myself.
Be the Change I want to See, well come on then, be the Change h2.
Fuck, some days cruising as a lemming, some days exposed. Today, exposed and fronting up, appearing for duty. Scared? yep.
Don't know unless I try, can't yap without walking the line.
Scared still? yep.
Heading out, eyes open and present, still.

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be present

be present today, see the opportunities arise and make conscious decisions. Stay in the here and now, don't fly away.

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Co-habitation

Ummm, I have put an ad on a website for a flatmate. Its the weirdest feeling to have to put something out there that you really don't want to do, but have to out of necessity.

I don't want a flatmate, I love living alone, but financially I have to get real. I need the extra money. Done, end of argument.

I want a non-chattering, independant, working, down to earth flatmate.
Secret: somedays I dont like to talk. My family know this and just roll their eyes when I hit one of my 'i'm not talking today moods'. Wierd, yes.

I have a 3 bedroom house, thats all mine to express myself and my indulgent ways, its all about me, all of it, every inch....LMAO, I am an indulged child.
I know a flatmate will do me the world of good. Akin to sharing my toys in the sandpit. I need to stretch myself and my world....S H A R E

I just had a phone call from a young Japanese man who would like the room for 10 weeks, awesome, a trial flatmate :) 10 weeks sounds brilliant to me! He is on a one year working visa and leaves in April. He's visiting today to see the room, so I best get on with it and clean house.


UPDATE: I now have a new roomie, he moves in next Tuesday and his name is Shin, 29 from Japan, welcome to the Hotel California, Shin....

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Terminated for being too rich

Imagine, anyone earning over 1 million dollars per year must share their wealth in a humanitarian way and show proven results or be terminated....can u imagine? LOL. I just watched www.warongreed.org

We got to legislate some of this crap i.e be good or Santa will sleigh you :)

Eat the Rich

Loose

At the moment I feel like I have alot of unresolved situations or is that only in my head?

Some money arrived into my bank account in the weekend, so thats taken the strain off in that area because my sleep was definitely being affected by zero credit in my bank balance. I was bought up in a household of 7 children and two parents with just my Dad working on the Railways so I know whats its like to struggle. There was never any money for anything but food and rent.
I hit the peak of my earning in my last 'government' job that enabled me to live a middle-class life, but my heart wasn't in it in the end. I left with no where to go and thought setting up my own business would be a piece of cake......deluded again :)
So I'm in a familiar place financially and I don't really like it, the uncertainty freaks me. On the other hand, the thought of going back to work for Big Brother makes me feel ill.

I went back to my part time work last Thursday and I hated it. Not just the holiday to work transition, but the whole office, colleagues and clients situation. My boss is nuerotic and paranoid, constantly seeks approval and is quite condescending.....wierd combo even on planet Pluto. When I went to visit a couple of clients I felt dragged down and depressed when I left. I'm thinking WTF? Was it like this last year and I just didn't notice? So I'm feeling over it and its only been 2 days, I'm also feeling negative so I looked in the papers in the weekend for another job. I get $15 an hour.....I used to get paid $35.....LOL, shit, the princess has landed on her ass. I'd settle for $23? So today I have to work on manifesting $23 an hour :)

I texted that guy in the weekend, I felt like I got a lecture in return, but now I think I am being too negative and its affecting all aspects of my life. I don't want to be the 'downer' person, I meet 'downers' all the time and no one wants to hang with them because they make everything grey....sobering and embarassing....


My client came down earlier in the week and I have to let go. I get confused about stuff emotionally and I don't know if my expectations are realistic or not. I never know where the hell he's coming from, I never know his intent. The trouble is, we started from a personal place and things have changed so that it should just be business it feels like too much has gone on. I try and be friends but my friends aren't like him i.e selfish, then I feel guilty for not looking after him when he's here.....uuugh, I'm a headjob.

I think I need to get out of my skin, shed it and slither around for a while.

I'm not generally a downer, I visited a friend in the weekend and she said 'I love seeing you, your like a ray of sunshine'....hmmmm maybe just sometimes? I just bent over and kicked my own arse, it hurt.

Here's a song that I love, makes me want to get my roller skates on and hit the roller disco, anyone want to come, downers optional :)

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dinner in thailand

I felt really apprehensive before my date on Thursday, like my stomach was gonna implode. I ended up changing it to a dinner date because I didn't have time between meetings to go to lunch. That in itself had my nerves jangling because I always have the first date during the day for safety and restricted time limits i.e if it ain't happening I don't have to endure beyond the lunch 'hour'.
The fact that I was still catching up on sleep from my trip up north and my clients arrival had me all over the place, not sure of what day it was or where the hell my schedule was (FYI control freaks always have schedules...).
I ended up texting L to meet me at a Thai restaurant in town around 7.30pm. I arrived on time and waited for around 10 mins because he was lost :) Given that he's from out of town, no biggie.
When I first saw him he looked very different from his profile, much better in fact. Not that he looked bad on his profile, just that the pictures weren't the clearest and I wasn't sure I would even recognise him when he turned up.
Tall, dark and not bad looking...........:) But of course that means nothing without personality. I really pleased to say that he is articulate, intelligent, kind, enquiring and a gentleman. Am I surprised, hell yes. He bought me dinner and we had a nice time. The food was great and the conversation was too.
There are a couple of things that could be an issue, # 1 is that he is affiliated with a religion, I am not and never will be. # 2 he lives in another city. Little big things. I didn't feel nervous, I was very honest and I didn't feel pressured.
I text him the next day to thank him for dinner and the good conversation, he responded by thanking me for the stimulating evening :) No, I wasn't rubbing up on him. We both agreed it would be nice to meet up again, I've already got an appointment in his city in Feb for work, so I guess that when we'll meet up again.
First offerings were good.

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Departure

The last week has been like 4 wrapped into one. I kicked off last weekend when a very good friend of mine text me at 2.30am to tell me his mother had passed away from cancer. I love this friend in all ways and I'm sure if he wasn't married with 4 kids I might throw in a couple more ways :) Smart, considerate, capable and funny he has been a very good measure for what I like in a man. A couple of glitches (we all have them, my glitchometer sits around the 4 mark)that includes an over indulgence in alcohol and a penchant for going out with the boys. As I am not his wife none of this bothers me, if I was his wife I might have divorced him around 15 years ago :) The person I see is not the same one that resides with his family. I'm realisitic enough to recognise this, but I still prefer to see the best of him because I know far too many asses (donkey type not buttock type) parading as men. I spent much of the rest of the night wondering how the hell I might get there given it was in the north island and I was poorer than dirt. But it flowed....like this :
A friend had come down from Wellington to attend a family event and was driving back the next day so I caught a ride back up the country to the ferry, managed to secure one of only two remaining seats left, 3 hours on the ferry we arrive wellington where another friend meets me at the terminal. we drive 8 hours overnight and grab 4 hours sleep before picking up another friend and drive the last 3 hours to reach the funeral service that morning. This is not a funeral service as you might know, we have a ritual which is quite particular to our culture. The person lies in state for 3 days, coffin open, people able to come and share time - talk, cry, shout, berate, laugh and remember that person all while living and sleeping beside them in a very big meeting house. Its very interactive and on the third day, usually before dawn, the coffin lid is secured (so that they literally don't see another 'day')and the service is held that morning with burial (no, not cremation or sea burial, it must be ground burial) and everyone comes back for a feast. Very similar to an Irish wake, a celebration of the person, their life and existence.
So I arrived in time for the service, saw my friend and cried, just because I know his pain and the burdens on him as the eldest. I watch him all day, putting on a brave face, getting all the jobs done, supervising the service and car to take her to the family cemetary (a secluded, sunny cliff top overlooking the Pacific Ocean, not a bad resting place, akin to paradise actually....) making sure everyone is taken care of, fed, acknowledged, wanting for nothing - giving, even when it hurts, still giving. Only one moment during the day I saw his mask fall. My friend stood off to the side while they gave the last prayers, my former boss approached him and put his hand on his shoulder and said a few words. I saw my friends downcast face, his eyes water and his head drop, only for around 5 seconds. Its terrible to be a man sometimes.
We head back and attend the feast before making our farewells, I still had to get all the way home again...
I hugged him hard and felt terrible waving goodbye, I just wanted to wrap him in cotton wool and put him somewhere safe where nothing could hurt for a while.
He knows just by my attendance from so far away that we don't need to talk about how sorry we are or about the pain.
My friends and I drove back down the island (stopped and swam in a pristine river because it was 40 degrees celsius) and I managed to get a very cheap flight from the north island to the south island for the last remaining leg of my journey. I caught up with a few people I know, managed to squeeze in dinner with one of my sisters before boarding my plane home and arriving back to my own bed at midnight.
occasion.
My big client arrived the next day for our strat planning for the year, started back at work the day after, so I've been overflowing.
My date........will be in my next installment....interesting.

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Engage

I have a list of things to do. Pay outstanding bills, check private mailbox, walk the dog, sort my house (again), mow lawns, tidy the laundry, finish painting in the kitchen. Removing the last of my kitchen cabinet doors for painting. Its a bit of work and nothing to do with my paid employment. But it will have long term benefit.
I am having my house revalued on Monday so I can re-finance my house, so that payments are less and I can manage a little easier. I'm in denial about alot of things and I really need to knuckle down and work out a serious plan. I have a loose structure to the way things can work, but its not solid. Its like having a vague idea of how much is in my bank account, but not getting a statement balance. Avoidance, again. In a couple of weeks I will be expected to pay around $800 per week in expenses. At the moment I have the capability to pay around half. WARNING, stress approaching, activate preventative managment system NOW! Confirm reality. La de da di dee.....
I'm feeling like a big baby. I fantasise about winning the lottery. I fantasise about something or someone else coming along at the last minute and saving my existence. Then I look around and realise no one is coming, there is no cheque in the mail and that I need to get with the fucking programme.
I am going to write up a huge list of things I need to do and tack it to the door, that way I can't move any where in the living area without seeing it. It would be so much easier if I could just be an adult and accept this list as my own life rather than a burden put upon me by some unknown lifesource from outer space. I think the word is "r e s p o n s i b i l i t y".
Shhhh that word is highly offensive to sensitive souls :)

H2 - sin-ical and listing.

He called me pragmatic

....I think I'd rather be called a few hundred other nouns....but that will do. My lunch date is set for next Thursday, 12pm. Done.

India

I supposedly started back at work on Monday. But actually I didn't. I am feeling like the laziest SOB this side of the equator. I am well entrenched in my book reading, late morning sleep-ins, unstructured days with no one to answer to, late afternoon naps and very little work.
I rang alot of my girlfriends today to wish them happy new year and not one of them answered their phones.....I take that as a sign from the universe that I am meant to be on this extended holiday and they have granted me an extension on my 'stress-free voucher for one' ride. I'm reading a delicious book called The Death of Mr Love. A story of love, murder, jealousy, unlove, death and family set in India. I have a softness for India after travelling the southern regions for 2 months in 2002. Even though I was 35 when I went there, I was still very much a child in terms of my awareness, my appreciation for the resilience of the human spirit and my ability to view my life in Western culture as an overindulged baby. The mental and cultural challenges that I faced were some of the greatest moments in my transition from child to adulthood I have ever experienced. Reading that book for the last few days has transported me back to the heat, population, pollution and overwhelming spirit of life that is India. Words on paper. Once written they have the ability to open the door to immortality.
Night night

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Wake Up

Just needed something to wake up properly, get bouncing
Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Around the World



Dancing optional

Man approaching

I've been online dating. I haven't met anyone I wanted to see again, and in all I've had five dates. Its been fine, some of them were nicer than others, but no fizz, not even a twinkle.
I talked to a guy about a month back, good to and fro emails, all good and he was superkeen, not ordinary keen, this was the supersize variety......and it was fine until he offered to fly me up that weekend (talked to him on Wed/Thurs, he's offering airfare for Fri. He lives in another city, which doesn't mean much, given that you can fly the length of NZ in 2 hours...:)
Anyway, he offered to fly me up for the weekend.....and I came to a screeching halt. I'm an independant person and have earned really good money over the years, but no matter how much I might like someone from a written encounter, I'm not flying them anywhere. So in the pit of my stomach, I don't feel good, just because I'm not down with someone spending money on me when we've never met.
I declined of course and said I would prefer we just chatted and that I couldnt take such a generous offer, but that I often travel so we're bound to catch up soon. He said he understood and could handle the rejection (huh??, I'm thinking wtf??).
Anyway, I just chilled on that cos it sounded waaaaaaay too grabby. He emailed again on Dec 26th to say hi and I left it for a few days to reply just cos I wanted to. When I went to reply there was a different pic and a new name, so I logged into the dating website and had a look at his profile to see why and what the new profile looked like. I receive an email from him that night saying HA! caught you looking at my profile.....feeeeeeeeeck.
Upshot is, he is coming to my city for work and is here two days. I have an aversion to his grabbiness, but given that I haven't been in the game for a few years maybe I'm being paranoid? He said he's busy Thursday and Friday but has Thursday evening free....I actually offered to meet Thursday lunch. So I feel like there's a constant manoeuvring......which you don't really want me to feel....cos if I smell manipulation, I'll come out swinging like Mike Tyson on his best day.
He seems like a really nice person and I'm wrestling with my past patterns, but always I am hyper cautious when meeting guys. Most are truly harmless, but this one has me sniffing the wind from 300km.....
Of course there's only one thing to do to find out if this is a friend or foe. I'm trying not to let the hyaena's loose, but they're on high alert.
Dear Aunty Daisy, what to do?

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Continuous day

I'm vibing a continuous day rather than a continuous night, spraying baskets in bright vibrant colours for the market. Sensible adult me says 'get old clothes on before you start spraying paint', rebellious teenage me says 'shut up, you boring fart, this is instant creativity'.

early evening: I went swimming this afternoon, took the dog to the river and decided to dive in and splash around for a while. I'm home, showered and supposedly refreshed, but actually, I'm exhausted, LMAO. I have to take a nap. I can bearly keep my eyes open :) aging gracefully, bah bloody humbug to that too :)

Confounderation

I usually visit One Pic a Day Blog as one of my favourites, yours is in there too Sarah....but today when I logged in it came up with a 'this is an invited blog only, you are not invited to read this blog' message...WTF? Shit, some prewarning to join the liferaft would have been nice. I feel like I'm running around on the Titanic with the other lemmings asking 'where's the door Mister, where's the door?'. I feel offended.
Obviously something happened, either he was being abused or had something hardcore he wanted to put out there for just a few. But actually, fuck that, this place is for the public. So we can read and analyse, feel better, feel worse, feel sad, feel inspired, feel fucking happy, feel like death.....to purge. Delete the ass comments if you want, shit its your page, but closing the door because you want privacy??....sorry, bah bloody humbug.
LMAO, imagine if I get invited tomorrow?
Anyway One Pic A Day, I bloody miss you already.

Rollin'

So my agreement is that from today I start work again. I've spent the last three days camped out in an area surrounded by rainforest, no internet, no tv and alot of family, celebrating a beloved nephews 21st birthday.
It was a great couple of days, with just the right amount of time together. Any more than that and I would have had to call in the riot police as tensions sometimes rise when there are 20 people trying to occupy one house :) We managed to make it through with only one outbreak which was quickly dampened down. I was pleased about that, because I seriously restrict my time with family these days. Too many dramatic, sometimes violent encounters between other family members has made me very wary of how much time I will spend with them.
Growing up my nephew was alot like Dennis the Menace (cartoon character, little brat, mischievious, rascal, ratbag). I remember years ago when my sister and I lived together and her son,who is the same age as my daughter, used to terrorise her by chasing her around the house on his bike. Hence I was constantly chasing him. They were 3 years old when we shared a house. They are as close as any brother and sister can be. He has grown to be a handsome (unbiased opinion), loving, gregarious, hardworking rascal. He works in the mines in the far north of Queensland, earns outrageous money and loves his job.
We (the aunts) made him a necklace of money because he now lives in Australia and doesn't have the luggage allowance for big presents. His mother gave him a gorgeous whalebone pendant and his sister gave him a wahaika style handclub. No 21st keys anywhere :)
The younger(i.e not me) ones stayed up till 3am partying, I may as well have because I was wide awake with all the noise. The food was fantastic, an earth oven hangi, cooked to perfection. Tender, steamed falling-off-the bone beef and chicken, with mountains of potato, pumpkin, cabbage and stuffing to compliment the meats. Greenery was in the form of spinach and brocoli. Divine.
So now I'm back home, back in a real bed, my bed, bliss.
I arrived home yesterday and more friends arrived last night. Today we meet and plan how they want this year to roll out and how we can achieve that together. They are designers/artists and have worked together to create some truly stunning gear. So our meeting will be about creating a higher profile, seeking national funding and chosing a couple of national events for this year.
Ooops, I'm slipping into work modespeak...LOL. Ok, time to sieze the day. I have work to do. Time and tide waits for no man:)
I'm giving 2008 a loving embrace.

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