I've arrived at the doorway to 2008. I'm using this day as a marker for the path I chose over the next 12 months. I have deliberately not worked for the last two weeks, because I'm emotionally tired and I need to recoup my energy. I tend to bury myself in work because I need an outlet for all of my emotions. These last couple of days I've actually unwound, read books (my short attention span usually lays waste to a read from cover to cover), sat for more than an hour, relaxed, watched movies, been walking, eaten what I want, listened to some great music and realised how tightly wound I am....I don't like it when I'm not aware of how I'm feeling....because that means there could be a multitude of things I'm not aware of...omg, that might mean I am not in control??? :)
Control and trust are big issues, but I'm gonna try something new on this year and see how it fits. I'm leaving anything to do with my business until January 4Th when I come back from my 3 days away. I'm going to focus on being present and neither wandering too far back into my memories nor try and 'imagine' too far into the future. That's difficult for me to do, I am hardly ever present...I am constantly trying to preempt situations, people and places so that nothing takes me by surprise. Total control. I don't like surprises, not even good ones like birthday parties, trips away....Is it fear that drives this need to be prepared? Fear of looking and feeling silly, humiliated, shamed, reacting 'wrong'?
My family has been quite shocked by my temper in the last 6 months. I will express anger immediately when I feel pissed off about something. There is nothing wrong with this in itself, I know its about the level of anger I express, which when mixed with grief becomes disproportional and more about something else. My credibility nullified.
So I realise that I need to put my grief in a place by itself, examine and express it. Otherwise whatever I'm feeling has the potential to have a tsunami of emotion behind it, if triggered. Which is really unfair for the person who happens to be standing in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm working on it....
I've also removed the tumour that is my perception of family. We are too co dependant, too involved in each others lives, too overwhelming, too judgemental, too critical, too much. I have stepped back out of the circus ring and become part of the audience rather than part of the show. I no longer look at family as essential and vital to my every day life. Their opinions and thoughts on my life and its direction have been rendered 'optional'. Maybe I will hear what they have to say, maybe I won't? And I no longer assume that they are coming from a good place. Because frankly, sometimes that's just not true. Our lives have been competitive, with large bouts of jealousy, backstabbing and deceit. We are a communal drug for each other, addictive and sometimes unhealthy. I love my family, I just don't want to be shooting up with them on a daily basis.
I've been weaning myself for the last 6 months and I feel better. Less expectation, less need,less interaction, less guilt and less DRAMA.
Top 3 things I have learnt this year:
1) Having faith and understanding the process of death doesn't lessen the pain
2) There is no such thing as an old dog and new tricks when it comes to Family
3) my life can often be a repetition of lessons unlearnt (I'm trying to learn them and move on)
For all you readers out there, give it up, this is an exchange after all....drop me your top 3 for the year. Its an opportunity for a one-off comment fest...be brave. I don't and won't try and become your friend :) Neither will I hunt you down.
Happy New year universe. Bring it on.
H2
Monday, 31 December 2007
Sunday, 30 December 2007
Saturday, 29 December 2007
How's your house?
I worked for most of yesterday bringing the lounge back into order. Yep, many hours taming that jungle that is supposed to be my living room. I did the other stuff too, washing, dishes, vacuuming etc, but largely the living room was my focus. The tree was taken down and denuded of all its decoration and lights. The piles of paper were sorted and filed.
The point of a coffee table is mostly to provide a centre point to a room and to hold things like coffee cups, tea cups, nibbles, the daily paper and sometimes a work space, a place to gather around and interact. I scored zero for all those activities. The table sat in the corner, no one had coffee, no one had tea, there was no interaction around it, so it got renamed. I renamed it the Paper Table. At around 1300 x 1300 it was overly big and lacked informality. A formal intruder in the lazy room. Its' surface had long ago been erased by a foot of paper. I decided yesterday that the formal intruder must leave the premises and that my habit of creating shitpiles of paper had to go too. I don't want that habit or that table coming along for the ride into 2008.
I scoured the room and made two more boxes of 'stuff' to be rid of. The table has been dispatched to my daughters house where it will find its true purpose in life as a table in the middle of the room that has beer, poker cards, food (some that will probably sit on it for days...eek, not my busines, not my business, not my business) ash trays, cd's, games, the daily paper and more food. I look around the living room and the space has already digested its absence and adjusted. A slight shift and its like the table never exisited, its presence forgotten and erased. Every 3rd person might comment that something has changed but the majority of visitors don't notice. When someone dies its like that too. The space they once held is engulfed by the continued energy of the universe. A shimmer and the majority adjusts to engulf what was theirs and what they owned and the earth keeps turning. For some of us, this shimmer takes a very long time to arrive and we sit and ponder where is that energy that used to occupy that space. In my world, those energies have moved to somewhere that I can't follow at the moment. There's no rush, I won't ever adjust that schedule that the universe has created to suit my own needs. Until then, my life needs to be lived, breathed, felt and explored. My external house needs as much attention as my internal house. 3 days to go, heading to the dining room :)
carpe diem
later: I just saw the coffee table at my daughters home, they(herself and the many young people that often descend there, its their sanctuary from parents, most of them want to leave home but are too frightened) have christened it and it very much looks how I imagined. Immediately adopted and cherished, they wonder what they did without it...:)
h2
The point of a coffee table is mostly to provide a centre point to a room and to hold things like coffee cups, tea cups, nibbles, the daily paper and sometimes a work space, a place to gather around and interact. I scored zero for all those activities. The table sat in the corner, no one had coffee, no one had tea, there was no interaction around it, so it got renamed. I renamed it the Paper Table. At around 1300 x 1300 it was overly big and lacked informality. A formal intruder in the lazy room. Its' surface had long ago been erased by a foot of paper. I decided yesterday that the formal intruder must leave the premises and that my habit of creating shitpiles of paper had to go too. I don't want that habit or that table coming along for the ride into 2008.
I scoured the room and made two more boxes of 'stuff' to be rid of. The table has been dispatched to my daughters house where it will find its true purpose in life as a table in the middle of the room that has beer, poker cards, food (some that will probably sit on it for days...eek, not my busines, not my business, not my business) ash trays, cd's, games, the daily paper and more food. I look around the living room and the space has already digested its absence and adjusted. A slight shift and its like the table never exisited, its presence forgotten and erased. Every 3rd person might comment that something has changed but the majority of visitors don't notice. When someone dies its like that too. The space they once held is engulfed by the continued energy of the universe. A shimmer and the majority adjusts to engulf what was theirs and what they owned and the earth keeps turning. For some of us, this shimmer takes a very long time to arrive and we sit and ponder where is that energy that used to occupy that space. In my world, those energies have moved to somewhere that I can't follow at the moment. There's no rush, I won't ever adjust that schedule that the universe has created to suit my own needs. Until then, my life needs to be lived, breathed, felt and explored. My external house needs as much attention as my internal house. 3 days to go, heading to the dining room :)
carpe diem
later: I just saw the coffee table at my daughters home, they(herself and the many young people that often descend there, its their sanctuary from parents, most of them want to leave home but are too frightened) have christened it and it very much looks how I imagined. Immediately adopted and cherished, they wonder what they did without it...:)
h2
Friday, 28 December 2007
Thursday, 27 December 2007
More of yesterday
So what I didn't write yesterday was that I didn't last the day in my pajamas...too anal retentive for that. I showered and went to the DVD store, picked out a whole series of art house movies and drove to the beach (there is never enough water in my life).
I sat there for half an hour watching the guys surf. Its a little known fact that I love surfing, watching surfers and hiring Surfing DVDs. No one knows this.
Have I ever surfed? No. But in my dreams I am THE surfer. I watch them become one with the waves and imagine the freedom and the exhilaration of conquering a small surge of water. I like their focus and their dedication to the task. Hours and hours waiting, half paddle, surge, let the wave go, every now and then they'll go for it. Waves in New Zealand are nothing like Hawaii, is any place? Ours are 1-2m, not a lot of sweeping shots of a mountain of water approaching....if you know what I mean.
Those tsunami exist only in my dreams when my life is totally out of control.
Oops, digression be thy name. I went for a walk along the pier in the rain (cue water). I felt the chilled sharpness of the wind on my rain-soaked face and smiled, because I knew I was definitely alive. No matter how dull my emotions may feel, how flat my pulse might seem, I am here and alive. I came home to change and decided that now that I was moving I best carry on.
I went to the mall and joined all the Boxing Day Sales worshippers to get milk, bread and half price chocolates for...no reason:)
I got two calendars at half price too, 365 days of Shoes and 365 days of Handbags. In complete contrast to my obsession with Surfing, I am also a shoes and handbag worshipper. Can you see a pattern building? If its not 110% obsession, its nothing....needless to say, I was VERY excited to get those two calendars. These are not your everyday shoes and bags, puh-lease, these are iconic pieces of art!
I left the mall and came home for a bath, thinking I would watch a couple of DVDs before bed when my phone rang. A friend from my old work days rang and asked if I'd like to go for a drink. I ended up meeting her at a local bar and we stayed there till 10.30pm.....had a great time catching up, swapping war stories, talking about men and agreeing that we'll work together. She works in media and advertising....and will create some 'promotional' opportunities for a percentage of sales. I'm all for it.
So although yesterday started out dark with the consistency of quicksand, it definitely didn't end that way. I must be healing eh? :)
Thank god for rainbows in the rain.
H2
I sat there for half an hour watching the guys surf. Its a little known fact that I love surfing, watching surfers and hiring Surfing DVDs. No one knows this.
Have I ever surfed? No. But in my dreams I am THE surfer. I watch them become one with the waves and imagine the freedom and the exhilaration of conquering a small surge of water. I like their focus and their dedication to the task. Hours and hours waiting, half paddle, surge, let the wave go, every now and then they'll go for it. Waves in New Zealand are nothing like Hawaii, is any place? Ours are 1-2m, not a lot of sweeping shots of a mountain of water approaching....if you know what I mean.
Those tsunami exist only in my dreams when my life is totally out of control.
Oops, digression be thy name. I went for a walk along the pier in the rain (cue water). I felt the chilled sharpness of the wind on my rain-soaked face and smiled, because I knew I was definitely alive. No matter how dull my emotions may feel, how flat my pulse might seem, I am here and alive. I came home to change and decided that now that I was moving I best carry on.
I went to the mall and joined all the Boxing Day Sales worshippers to get milk, bread and half price chocolates for...no reason:)
I got two calendars at half price too, 365 days of Shoes and 365 days of Handbags. In complete contrast to my obsession with Surfing, I am also a shoes and handbag worshipper. Can you see a pattern building? If its not 110% obsession, its nothing....needless to say, I was VERY excited to get those two calendars. These are not your everyday shoes and bags, puh-lease, these are iconic pieces of art!
I left the mall and came home for a bath, thinking I would watch a couple of DVDs before bed when my phone rang. A friend from my old work days rang and asked if I'd like to go for a drink. I ended up meeting her at a local bar and we stayed there till 10.30pm.....had a great time catching up, swapping war stories, talking about men and agreeing that we'll work together. She works in media and advertising....and will create some 'promotional' opportunities for a percentage of sales. I'm all for it.
So although yesterday started out dark with the consistency of quicksand, it definitely didn't end that way. I must be healing eh? :)
Thank god for rainbows in the rain.
H2
Wednesday, 26 December 2007
New Years Eve
So its boxing day today, Xmas is over bar the shouting and its another day closer to New Years eve.
New Years eve last year is laser cut into my memory like stone. My best friend died this year while we were on holiday together in Asia. On that trip we were doing all sorts of stuff that we always wanted to do, but had never given ourselves permission to try. Staying at a really fancy hotel (my god how wasteful our mothers would say)instead of a backpackers, having pedicures, manicures, shopping frivolously, reflexology, make-overs, shopping for Armani sunglasses, visiting silk factories - total indulgence :)
Last New Years eve neither of us had plans, her boyfriend was working and my mother had gone to babysit my sisters kids (my mother lived with me at that time, that is a whole 5 posts in itself....how to mindfuck yourself in 730 days) so we decided to watch a movie, make some killer fruit punch (heavy on the vodka light on the fruit) and have a girls night.
We ended up watching The Secret (power of attraction)and stayed up till 2.30am making lists and creating dream charts....sounds a little new age wacky, but we were into it. We talked about what kind of lives we wanted, what our hopes were, where we wanted to be in 6 months, what sort of people did we want to be.
In hindsight it was a really special night, a gift. I can remember it all so clearly, especially working over my dining room table to create our charts and being a little competitive because we're both creative and finnicky.
Sharing indulgent food (expensive cheese, pesto, hummus, nuts, chocolates, crackers etc) and good conversation, talking and laughing, exploring dreams. 6 months later we were in Asia fulfilling some of those dreams, we really were. Our attitudes were like teenage girls, we had finally got to a place where we weren't constantly feeling guilty. That we might deserve some of this fun and craziness.
Our girls had grown and left home, our struggles as single parents were over, we had survived and we were coming into our own..........until she fucking died on me.
The first year of losing someone close is always marked in comparison to the last year, constant evaluation of what I was doing with that person at that time, etc, etc. So expect a few posts of this nature. Its been 6 months since her departure and she has been with me alot this week. My mind constantly flicks back to New Years eve 2006, a quiet night, two best friends, a DVD, scissors, magazines, glue, giggles, paper and dreams.
I fight myself on a daily basis. I have an internal civil war going on. I fight the guilt and the pain. I run towards the abyss and I run away. There is a little room inside me, where a light no bigger than a matchhead shines. Its glow is small but constant. That light is for hope. That light is to say to myself, her death was not a punishment for your frivolty, she left when she needed to, her dreams fulfilled. But there are other demons inside me and the energy that feeds them is old, hence the civil war.
I believe my mind is my most powerful tool and the only path to freedom. I work on it day by day, encouraging, coercing, threatening, pleading, shouting, whispering. Somedays I feel bloodied and beaten, other days I skip like I'm 5 yrs old.
Today I'm 41 and quiet. I'm going to finish off a couple of oddjobs around the house. I want to be prepared for New Years eve, when I step from this year into next year with my eyes open and my hands on the wheel. 5 days and counting :)
h2
New Years eve last year is laser cut into my memory like stone. My best friend died this year while we were on holiday together in Asia. On that trip we were doing all sorts of stuff that we always wanted to do, but had never given ourselves permission to try. Staying at a really fancy hotel (my god how wasteful our mothers would say)instead of a backpackers, having pedicures, manicures, shopping frivolously, reflexology, make-overs, shopping for Armani sunglasses, visiting silk factories - total indulgence :)
Last New Years eve neither of us had plans, her boyfriend was working and my mother had gone to babysit my sisters kids (my mother lived with me at that time, that is a whole 5 posts in itself....how to mindfuck yourself in 730 days) so we decided to watch a movie, make some killer fruit punch (heavy on the vodka light on the fruit) and have a girls night.
We ended up watching The Secret (power of attraction)and stayed up till 2.30am making lists and creating dream charts....sounds a little new age wacky, but we were into it. We talked about what kind of lives we wanted, what our hopes were, where we wanted to be in 6 months, what sort of people did we want to be.
In hindsight it was a really special night, a gift. I can remember it all so clearly, especially working over my dining room table to create our charts and being a little competitive because we're both creative and finnicky.
Sharing indulgent food (expensive cheese, pesto, hummus, nuts, chocolates, crackers etc) and good conversation, talking and laughing, exploring dreams. 6 months later we were in Asia fulfilling some of those dreams, we really were. Our attitudes were like teenage girls, we had finally got to a place where we weren't constantly feeling guilty. That we might deserve some of this fun and craziness.
Our girls had grown and left home, our struggles as single parents were over, we had survived and we were coming into our own..........until she fucking died on me.
The first year of losing someone close is always marked in comparison to the last year, constant evaluation of what I was doing with that person at that time, etc, etc. So expect a few posts of this nature. Its been 6 months since her departure and she has been with me alot this week. My mind constantly flicks back to New Years eve 2006, a quiet night, two best friends, a DVD, scissors, magazines, glue, giggles, paper and dreams.
I fight myself on a daily basis. I have an internal civil war going on. I fight the guilt and the pain. I run towards the abyss and I run away. There is a little room inside me, where a light no bigger than a matchhead shines. Its glow is small but constant. That light is for hope. That light is to say to myself, her death was not a punishment for your frivolty, she left when she needed to, her dreams fulfilled. But there are other demons inside me and the energy that feeds them is old, hence the civil war.
I believe my mind is my most powerful tool and the only path to freedom. I work on it day by day, encouraging, coercing, threatening, pleading, shouting, whispering. Somedays I feel bloodied and beaten, other days I skip like I'm 5 yrs old.
Today I'm 41 and quiet. I'm going to finish off a couple of oddjobs around the house. I want to be prepared for New Years eve, when I step from this year into next year with my eyes open and my hands on the wheel. 5 days and counting :)
h2
Tuesday, 25 December 2007
Monday, 24 December 2007
Water
If I immerse myself in water, all things are possible :) I take half hour showers and 2 hour baths, I can because I pay the bills and I live alone, so if I run out of hot water, there's no drama.
A friend of mine has a pool, so yesterday when I dropped off a Xmas parcel I went swimming, just me and the water. The first dive in always makes me giggle. It feels like I'm catching up with the funniest friend I ever met. I thrash around, do a couple of laps, float on my back and ponder the meaning of life, I'm not in there to train for the Olympics, I'm there for the therapy. And once I'm finished, just like a baptism, I leave the water with a new attitude (I think I may even glow and levitate). My emotional crud washed away and feeling like I'm Superwoman, I can acheive anything.
Afterwards I sat in the late afternoon sun, sipping tea and eating a slice of warm bread and thought there wasn't a more perfect moment in the day.
Simple, water.
H2 ;)
A friend of mine has a pool, so yesterday when I dropped off a Xmas parcel I went swimming, just me and the water. The first dive in always makes me giggle. It feels like I'm catching up with the funniest friend I ever met. I thrash around, do a couple of laps, float on my back and ponder the meaning of life, I'm not in there to train for the Olympics, I'm there for the therapy. And once I'm finished, just like a baptism, I leave the water with a new attitude (I think I may even glow and levitate). My emotional crud washed away and feeling like I'm Superwoman, I can acheive anything.
Afterwards I sat in the late afternoon sun, sipping tea and eating a slice of warm bread and thought there wasn't a more perfect moment in the day.
Simple, water.
H2 ;)
Sunday, 23 December 2007
The Unbearable Heavyness of Housework
Confession, although I've found a home for the two chairs, shit all else has changed, the house looks like a rugby team ran through it during a training session and the maid forgot to come to work. I'm the maid, I'm also the rugby team.....
I went shopping this morning because I didn't want to clean house. I have shopping to do, so when I weigh up the two options, hell will freeze over before I chose cleaning over shopping.
A clean house might mean I have my crap together, I don't. I'm in full avoidance mode. Moving from room to room ignoring the mess and focusing only on the door and the pathway to it. Let me make this clear, its not dirt, its mess. Unfolded washing, latest finds from the garage sale in a box at the door, dishes on the washstand, piles of paper everywhere, magazines and mail ughhhhh, now that I've written that I realise I have to leave this post and sort my crap out. I'm getting my battle fatigues on as I type, rolling my eyes and facing my reality. God, being an adult is so f#&^king passe sometimes.
:P
I went shopping this morning because I didn't want to clean house. I have shopping to do, so when I weigh up the two options, hell will freeze over before I chose cleaning over shopping.
A clean house might mean I have my crap together, I don't. I'm in full avoidance mode. Moving from room to room ignoring the mess and focusing only on the door and the pathway to it. Let me make this clear, its not dirt, its mess. Unfolded washing, latest finds from the garage sale in a box at the door, dishes on the washstand, piles of paper everywhere, magazines and mail ughhhhh, now that I've written that I realise I have to leave this post and sort my crap out. I'm getting my battle fatigues on as I type, rolling my eyes and facing my reality. God, being an adult is so f#&^king passe sometimes.
:P
Saturday, 22 December 2007
A case of too muchitis
OK, so I have a problem. Actually, I have a few problems, but today I will concentrate on the one at hand.
I have just been to 7 garage sales this morning. Living in Chch is like the best kept garage sale secret in the world. This city is by far the best for second hand any-mafangle you can think of.
I bought two lazyboy rockers this morning for $20, dark blue, awesome condition, just what I need to laze in over the Xmas period.....just like I need a lobotamy to match the 3 armchairs which are currently in the lounge and will need a new home...what? the garage you say? ummm well thats currently full of the 'other' period pieces I've bought. 4 Retro yellow vinyl armchairs (mint condition, mind you!) a conservatory suite (even though I don't have a conservatory); a bath with matching handrail (getting around to it list), a stove (another getting around to it task) a stereo; kitchen counter and 2 walls cabinets. If I was playing in the left field of my mind I could set up a very groovy, chilled out cafe in the garage, only trouble of course is that its a garage......and I'm neither groovy or chilled out.
I look around my lounge and I've dumped the 2 lazyboys in the middle of the lounge on purpose. It means I can't move around anything until I have sorted their status and placement in the house. See, I even have to play psychological games with myself to get me from A to B, cos it sure as shit ain't gonna happen otherwise. Otherwise the garage door will roll up and I'll add another piece of furniture to that Bonfire I'm building out there.
There is such a thing as too much and I've reached it. It doesn't matter that nothing is worth over $100, its the incessant need to gather and hoard more thats the problem.
Buyers Anonymous give me a call, I need a lifetime subscription please. WTF? it comes with a set of yellow placemats with matching salt and pepper shakers if I subscribe today??? Awesome, order me two:)
Adios
H2
I have just been to 7 garage sales this morning. Living in Chch is like the best kept garage sale secret in the world. This city is by far the best for second hand any-mafangle you can think of.
I bought two lazyboy rockers this morning for $20, dark blue, awesome condition, just what I need to laze in over the Xmas period.....just like I need a lobotamy to match the 3 armchairs which are currently in the lounge and will need a new home...what? the garage you say? ummm well thats currently full of the 'other' period pieces I've bought. 4 Retro yellow vinyl armchairs (mint condition, mind you!) a conservatory suite (even though I don't have a conservatory); a bath with matching handrail (getting around to it list), a stove (another getting around to it task) a stereo; kitchen counter and 2 walls cabinets. If I was playing in the left field of my mind I could set up a very groovy, chilled out cafe in the garage, only trouble of course is that its a garage......and I'm neither groovy or chilled out.
I look around my lounge and I've dumped the 2 lazyboys in the middle of the lounge on purpose. It means I can't move around anything until I have sorted their status and placement in the house. See, I even have to play psychological games with myself to get me from A to B, cos it sure as shit ain't gonna happen otherwise. Otherwise the garage door will roll up and I'll add another piece of furniture to that Bonfire I'm building out there.
There is such a thing as too much and I've reached it. It doesn't matter that nothing is worth over $100, its the incessant need to gather and hoard more thats the problem.
Buyers Anonymous give me a call, I need a lifetime subscription please. WTF? it comes with a set of yellow placemats with matching salt and pepper shakers if I subscribe today??? Awesome, order me two:)
Adios
H2
Friday, 21 December 2007
Steel Road
I'm not indulging myself at the moment. My angst, my depression, my blue feelings are not getting an inch. I've got both of my feet on the road and I'm being steely in my resolve. I have a financially tough period to get through and I need all my wits about me to make it through Jan. I haven't heard back about my proposal, although I know they talked about it this week. I was hoping to hear before Xmas, but I'm not sure thats going to happen given that most offices close today. I've sent an email enquiring about progress and given my dates of availability, no reply.
That means that theres no plan in place for income for January.
I'm still not stressing, something will fall in place. I just need to be looking and listening at the right time and in the right place. I'm eating and sleeping so I know the stress levels are OK.
I've completed all of the sales for my other business. Nothing outstanding. I need to do some planning around that though, I haven't got anyone to bounce my ideas off so my focus on that is a little all over the place. I just need to take myself in hand and look at what I want to develop, a budget, timeframe and manufacturer and not worry about what everyone else is doing or not doing. I'm trying hard not to give that energy.
A person close to me has dropped a hint about developing things for the same market. This person works for Govt. She was originally supposed to leave and come work with me but decided that the money was too good to leave. I know that she watches what I'm doing and wishes she could too. So the upshot is, she might. From the safety of her 75k salary and full time job, she could use public money to develop product in competition with my business. I would have a major problem with that....beacuse its public money, because its not their core business and Govt have no right to compete with private businesses. Their level of resource and access is unfair and unethical. Its just a hint at the moment, we'll see where it goes.
There I go again...stepping off and giving energy to might/could/what if....can you please stop me? LOL, no, of course you can't.
I've got a bill to pay today (yes, today, or they will get very angry), one Xmas sale to deliver and a whole lot of op-shopping to do.
I need to cook a heap of potatoes so I can bake bread (potato bread) and make some more chocolates for the last two people on my list. I'm staying on the steel road and I'm going to enjoy Xmas. I'm also going to wear something fabulous today, so that I remember that I'm in control and nothing can sway me, a steely grip on things :)
carpe diem
h2
That means that theres no plan in place for income for January.
I'm still not stressing, something will fall in place. I just need to be looking and listening at the right time and in the right place. I'm eating and sleeping so I know the stress levels are OK.
I've completed all of the sales for my other business. Nothing outstanding. I need to do some planning around that though, I haven't got anyone to bounce my ideas off so my focus on that is a little all over the place. I just need to take myself in hand and look at what I want to develop, a budget, timeframe and manufacturer and not worry about what everyone else is doing or not doing. I'm trying hard not to give that energy.
A person close to me has dropped a hint about developing things for the same market. This person works for Govt. She was originally supposed to leave and come work with me but decided that the money was too good to leave. I know that she watches what I'm doing and wishes she could too. So the upshot is, she might. From the safety of her 75k salary and full time job, she could use public money to develop product in competition with my business. I would have a major problem with that....beacuse its public money, because its not their core business and Govt have no right to compete with private businesses. Their level of resource and access is unfair and unethical. Its just a hint at the moment, we'll see where it goes.
There I go again...stepping off and giving energy to might/could/what if....can you please stop me? LOL, no, of course you can't.
I've got a bill to pay today (yes, today, or they will get very angry), one Xmas sale to deliver and a whole lot of op-shopping to do.
I need to cook a heap of potatoes so I can bake bread (potato bread) and make some more chocolates for the last two people on my list. I'm staying on the steel road and I'm going to enjoy Xmas. I'm also going to wear something fabulous today, so that I remember that I'm in control and nothing can sway me, a steely grip on things :)
carpe diem
h2
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
Todays tally
If my line of work was creating treats for friends I'd be comfortably well off :) Unfortunately there is no such occupation so I amuse myself by working in two different jobs that are incredibly poorly paid.
But thats another story. The purpose of this blog is to share my pleasure at my early morning endeavours. I have managed to make three special loaves of bread, from a live yeast in the last 24 hours, pack three parcels each containing bread, sweets/cake and organic honey (from my sisters beehives. All bustled off to the courier post, packed in retro cake tins, with hand made cards and little wishes sprinkled liberally over the entire packages. I can't afford presents this year so I made these parcels of treats for friends instead.
I'm up to my fifth parcel and the enthusiasm hasn't waned. I got a call from my friend in the north island to say all the gorgeousness of her parcel had arrived, unfortunately the conscientous courier driver had managed to smash the jar of honey which then bled through the beautiful 70s violet suede bag I had included in the parcel. It hadn't ruined the rest of the parcel which leads us to believe he probably threw it down the stairs to her house as nothing else was soaked in honey, as it would have been if it had sat all day in it....
Nevermind, stick with the good story. She loved the suede bag, washed it immediately and will assess its viability in the morning. If its a lost case, she will recycle it into something more fabulous.
I love Christmas, I love the cooking and preparation, I love the presents concept :) I dont mind what kind of present I get, its just exciting to receive.
Tonight I have baked muffins and tartlets for the office shared lunch, which marks the end of year for me. Tomorrow is the last day at work, thank god. The last loaf is on the stove and will stay there overnight to rise and be baked first thing in the morning. I hope to post this last parcel by 10am for a really dear friend. She will receive bread, mini christmas cake, honey and handmade chocolates, then I hang up my pinny until Xmas eve. Actually, I have around eight pinnys from the 1950s...its not just the kitchen which has stepped out the 50s but I have to have the costume and attitude too:)
Quaint isn't it? LOL
h2
But thats another story. The purpose of this blog is to share my pleasure at my early morning endeavours. I have managed to make three special loaves of bread, from a live yeast in the last 24 hours, pack three parcels each containing bread, sweets/cake and organic honey (from my sisters beehives. All bustled off to the courier post, packed in retro cake tins, with hand made cards and little wishes sprinkled liberally over the entire packages. I can't afford presents this year so I made these parcels of treats for friends instead.
I'm up to my fifth parcel and the enthusiasm hasn't waned. I got a call from my friend in the north island to say all the gorgeousness of her parcel had arrived, unfortunately the conscientous courier driver had managed to smash the jar of honey which then bled through the beautiful 70s violet suede bag I had included in the parcel. It hadn't ruined the rest of the parcel which leads us to believe he probably threw it down the stairs to her house as nothing else was soaked in honey, as it would have been if it had sat all day in it....
Nevermind, stick with the good story. She loved the suede bag, washed it immediately and will assess its viability in the morning. If its a lost case, she will recycle it into something more fabulous.
I love Christmas, I love the cooking and preparation, I love the presents concept :) I dont mind what kind of present I get, its just exciting to receive.
Tonight I have baked muffins and tartlets for the office shared lunch, which marks the end of year for me. Tomorrow is the last day at work, thank god. The last loaf is on the stove and will stay there overnight to rise and be baked first thing in the morning. I hope to post this last parcel by 10am for a really dear friend. She will receive bread, mini christmas cake, honey and handmade chocolates, then I hang up my pinny until Xmas eve. Actually, I have around eight pinnys from the 1950s...its not just the kitchen which has stepped out the 50s but I have to have the costume and attitude too:)
Quaint isn't it? LOL
h2
Stop and stare
I was reading 1 Pic a Day's Blog and I can see the madness his 'blogs of note' status has created. Damn, I wish I could see my own madness with such clarity. The guy gives so much that he's actually concerned about replying to the 48 comments that pop up daily. And I want to write a comment to say "don't reply, just get the hell on with it and forget there's an audience" BUT that would be another comment he would have to read....oh what tangled webs we weave....
I read his blog daily, but this week his flow has been interrupted by the thousands that have visited his blog (including me, my apologies)and now he's actually responding to the interruption. The irony.
Anyway, as I said I'd love that same observation about the stuff going on in my life. I have really crazy emotional times, one day I'm flying, another day I'm in the bottom of the ocean with the bends. Today I was starting out with a touch of the bends but I've managed to pull up by thinking about roses. I lay in bed this morning, thinking about my friend that passed away, thinking about the guy I work with and felt a few tears well up, the general feeling about the two of them is sadness, but for very different reasons. So I let the tears fall and then thought NO, this day can not be ruled by the past. So I lay there and thought what is something I can think of quickly to eliminate these bluish feelings. And as I let my thoughts escape and flow a huge peony rose came to mind. I stayed with that thought and withing milliseconds I had a slideshow in my mind of red, ruby, pink, white and wine coloured roses flashing before me. It worked, I felt better instantly. How can I be sad when I am surrounded by flowers? :)The flowers have stayed with me this morning and every time I think of something sad the flowers pop in to my mind. Good trick, thanks to you K for sending those thoughts :)
I stopped and stared, put a new trick in my pocket and carried on walking
H2
I read his blog daily, but this week his flow has been interrupted by the thousands that have visited his blog (including me, my apologies)and now he's actually responding to the interruption. The irony.
Anyway, as I said I'd love that same observation about the stuff going on in my life. I have really crazy emotional times, one day I'm flying, another day I'm in the bottom of the ocean with the bends. Today I was starting out with a touch of the bends but I've managed to pull up by thinking about roses. I lay in bed this morning, thinking about my friend that passed away, thinking about the guy I work with and felt a few tears well up, the general feeling about the two of them is sadness, but for very different reasons. So I let the tears fall and then thought NO, this day can not be ruled by the past. So I lay there and thought what is something I can think of quickly to eliminate these bluish feelings. And as I let my thoughts escape and flow a huge peony rose came to mind. I stayed with that thought and withing milliseconds I had a slideshow in my mind of red, ruby, pink, white and wine coloured roses flashing before me. It worked, I felt better instantly. How can I be sad when I am surrounded by flowers? :)The flowers have stayed with me this morning and every time I think of something sad the flowers pop in to my mind. Good trick, thanks to you K for sending those thoughts :)
I stopped and stared, put a new trick in my pocket and carried on walking
H2
Tuesday, 18 December 2007
sense
I read last nights post, yes, it still makes sense. I am one of those people that remembers all of what happened last night, no matter how much I drink.
Yesterday we had 30 degrees, it was a whopper(sounds like the burger doesn't it?). I dragged my arse through the day, tired (I stayed up till 2.30am the night before because I took that 'nap") and cranky because there is no air conditioning at work. When I finally got home, I sat like a vegetable in front of the fan, limp like wet seaweed. I went and had a cold shower before my first phone call of the night, there was only two and between them they lasted four hours....:)
So here I am, back in the land of the lucid. I awoke to the sound of water because my guttering is munted and the rain started overnight. Its bought the temperature down to a pleasant hum, and eliminated the pounding roar of yesterdays heat.
I'm making two-tone handmade chocolates this morning, its 6am and I have the trays on a converyor belt because I'm half filling them with white, then into the fridge to set, before I add milk chocoloate with walnuts. I have to make around 6 dozen today. Some for suppliers and some for friends, but they have to be in the courier by today to stand any chance of arriving in time for Christmas.
I have a very old fashioned kitchen, it has retro utensils and old billys, boilers, jugs and kettles. Its colours are old fashioned and I have tried (I realise) to recreate the essence of the 50s, simple and far more loving than the kitchens of today. If there's no love from the cook, it shows. Food made with love is the motto of my kitchen :) Like Water for Chocolate, one of my fav movies :) Back to the kitchen, back to the next batch.
H2
Yesterday we had 30 degrees, it was a whopper(sounds like the burger doesn't it?). I dragged my arse through the day, tired (I stayed up till 2.30am the night before because I took that 'nap") and cranky because there is no air conditioning at work. When I finally got home, I sat like a vegetable in front of the fan, limp like wet seaweed. I went and had a cold shower before my first phone call of the night, there was only two and between them they lasted four hours....:)
So here I am, back in the land of the lucid. I awoke to the sound of water because my guttering is munted and the rain started overnight. Its bought the temperature down to a pleasant hum, and eliminated the pounding roar of yesterdays heat.
I'm making two-tone handmade chocolates this morning, its 6am and I have the trays on a converyor belt because I'm half filling them with white, then into the fridge to set, before I add milk chocoloate with walnuts. I have to make around 6 dozen today. Some for suppliers and some for friends, but they have to be in the courier by today to stand any chance of arriving in time for Christmas.
I have a very old fashioned kitchen, it has retro utensils and old billys, boilers, jugs and kettles. Its colours are old fashioned and I have tried (I realise) to recreate the essence of the 50s, simple and far more loving than the kitchens of today. If there's no love from the cook, it shows. Food made with love is the motto of my kitchen :) Like Water for Chocolate, one of my fav movies :) Back to the kitchen, back to the next batch.
H2
Monday, 17 December 2007
comfort
I've had too many beers, my reality is blurred and my evening has ended.
I talked to a good friend of my best friend that died, we talked for one and a half hours, reminisced, relived and revived her memory. It was good, there are so few people that really knew the depths of my friends personality, it was nice to let lose and share all of our deepest secrets that we both knew of her life. She was brave and beautiful, scared and insecure, outrageous and conservative...a really beautiful human:)
I spent the next 2 hours on the phone to a queen friend of mine, I love his outrageousness and his honesty, we laughed and laughed for the whole time. I needed that. I have forgotten what it is like to laugh till my jaw aches. I have missed laughter. I haven't found much to laugh at these last few months...in case u didnt know :)
Anyway, I am in love with someone that is not available, I miss him, he is not here in mind or spirit. I want to bite him, sincerely and deeply :) Does that make sense? In this moment and state of mind it does, we shall see tomorrow.....
H2
I talked to a good friend of my best friend that died, we talked for one and a half hours, reminisced, relived and revived her memory. It was good, there are so few people that really knew the depths of my friends personality, it was nice to let lose and share all of our deepest secrets that we both knew of her life. She was brave and beautiful, scared and insecure, outrageous and conservative...a really beautiful human:)
I spent the next 2 hours on the phone to a queen friend of mine, I love his outrageousness and his honesty, we laughed and laughed for the whole time. I needed that. I have forgotten what it is like to laugh till my jaw aches. I have missed laughter. I haven't found much to laugh at these last few months...in case u didnt know :)
Anyway, I am in love with someone that is not available, I miss him, he is not here in mind or spirit. I want to bite him, sincerely and deeply :) Does that make sense? In this moment and state of mind it does, we shall see tomorrow.....
H2
Sunday, 16 December 2007
Heat
I got to the market this morning and found around 10 new stall holders....which meant it was packed. They had taken a few regular places and we ended up at the back which is not so popular. It sweltered today, so the plus of being at the back was that we also were under the trees :) And lots of people gravitated to us because of those beautiful trees. I let go of the beautiful bakelite valve radio I had, around 1930s era, beautiful form, some old guy bought it at a steal, I hope he enjoys it. He did try and bargain me down, but I know it was worth alot more, so no deal:)
The guy that runs the market bought around christmas cake for the stall holders and told me to take a piece for my mum......my mum that runs the stall.......my mum that runs the stall is my sister.....LOL. I said 'my mum's gonna be bloody mad to find out she's my sister'. Needless to say I never told my sister about his comment she'd go bezerk. She doesn't look that old actually, but she has grey hair around her temples. We made a quick killing and left after 3 hours, too hot and I needed to go meet my 'date'.
I spent an hour rushing to have a shower, wash my hair, style it and find the right outfit. An outfit that expressed my personality but wasn't too contrived.....eeek. It was so hot today I was sweating by the time I was dressed, my hair was frizzing out and by the time I was ready I had 15 minutes to get there. Sweating is not a good first impression :)
My date was at a really cute cafe that's an old house, with an outside eating area with big trees, rustic tables and wildflowers. G was one of those nice quiet guys that women often mistake for gay men. He talked very softly, slightly nervous and an over emphasis on the letter s. This is not a big deal until you hear it.
He is also a homebody, vegetarian, introverted, late morning riser who hasn't had kids and doesn't want any.
I'm not a homebody, I want adventure and travel. My early years in this world were spent moving every 1-2 years as our family followed Dad from job transfer to job transfer. What this means is that I don't mind up and leaving at short notice, actually I love it. I'm also not shy anymore, its taken alot of years, some hard grafting but my own introversion is over. Vegetarianism is interesting because I think its an ethical choice and not something to be compromised on. I haven't made that ethical choice and I like to eat meat now and then. I don't think vegies and carnivores match, is he likely to kiss me after I've eaten a hamburger? That sounds silly and you might well laugh, but its true. I also like to get up really early, around 5.30 to 6am. I want someone to get up with me and sieze the day, talk to me and share the quietness of the morning.
I add these things together and I find that he will suit someone else much better. The upside is that we had good conversation and I felt that he could be a friend, we traded cell numbers and I'll give him a call if I get an invite to something that requires a partner. G was of the same thinking I think.
I came home, took the dog for a early evening walk, watched her swim like crazy in the river, I love my dog, she a huge galloping rottweiler thats easy to love.
I came home and lay down for a while to escape the heat. I woke up a couple of hours ago...feeling refreshed because I slept for three hours!!!!!
Needless to say, its after midnight and I'm wide awake. Party anyone?
H2
The guy that runs the market bought around christmas cake for the stall holders and told me to take a piece for my mum......my mum that runs the stall.......my mum that runs the stall is my sister.....LOL. I said 'my mum's gonna be bloody mad to find out she's my sister'. Needless to say I never told my sister about his comment she'd go bezerk. She doesn't look that old actually, but she has grey hair around her temples. We made a quick killing and left after 3 hours, too hot and I needed to go meet my 'date'.
I spent an hour rushing to have a shower, wash my hair, style it and find the right outfit. An outfit that expressed my personality but wasn't too contrived.....eeek. It was so hot today I was sweating by the time I was dressed, my hair was frizzing out and by the time I was ready I had 15 minutes to get there. Sweating is not a good first impression :)
My date was at a really cute cafe that's an old house, with an outside eating area with big trees, rustic tables and wildflowers. G was one of those nice quiet guys that women often mistake for gay men. He talked very softly, slightly nervous and an over emphasis on the letter s. This is not a big deal until you hear it.
He is also a homebody, vegetarian, introverted, late morning riser who hasn't had kids and doesn't want any.
I'm not a homebody, I want adventure and travel. My early years in this world were spent moving every 1-2 years as our family followed Dad from job transfer to job transfer. What this means is that I don't mind up and leaving at short notice, actually I love it. I'm also not shy anymore, its taken alot of years, some hard grafting but my own introversion is over. Vegetarianism is interesting because I think its an ethical choice and not something to be compromised on. I haven't made that ethical choice and I like to eat meat now and then. I don't think vegies and carnivores match, is he likely to kiss me after I've eaten a hamburger? That sounds silly and you might well laugh, but its true. I also like to get up really early, around 5.30 to 6am. I want someone to get up with me and sieze the day, talk to me and share the quietness of the morning.
I add these things together and I find that he will suit someone else much better. The upside is that we had good conversation and I felt that he could be a friend, we traded cell numbers and I'll give him a call if I get an invite to something that requires a partner. G was of the same thinking I think.
I came home, took the dog for a early evening walk, watched her swim like crazy in the river, I love my dog, she a huge galloping rottweiler thats easy to love.
I came home and lay down for a while to escape the heat. I woke up a couple of hours ago...feeling refreshed because I slept for three hours!!!!!
Needless to say, its after midnight and I'm wide awake. Party anyone?
H2
To market to market
I'm about to head out for the day, taking my excess treasures to market and setting up a stall. I am a serial bargain hunter, I love markets, garage sales and boot sales :) Where there is junk you will find me:)
This is a tradition handed on to me by my father. We would often go to the tip and find old bikes, tools and things that others no longer wanted; take them home, fix them and away we would go:) At the time I thought everyone did that......
My sisters and I are also avid op-shoppers, second hand clothing stores. I laugh at people who would never wear someone elses clothes....I don't do second hand underwear (unless it was a really gorgeous 50s corset). Some of my best clothes are retro, when there was style and hand sewing, cut was important and quality was the norm.
Today I am heading out to share some of my treasures with other people who might love them. I also have a date this afternoon, he seems really interesting, well traveled, can hold a conversation, attractive. Wish me luck. Gillian Welch on the stereo (I'm not a true fan of country, but Bluegrass is different).
Check out the 1 Pic A Day Blog, the guy writes beautifully, full of heart and rawness, I love it. He has allowed me to use one of his pics.......Thanks :)
Siezing the day
h2
Saturday, 15 December 2007
5am
I'm awake and at the computer, I would rather be in zzzz land, but a party one street over woke me up at 4am. The bass is so loud its sounds like a giant is approaching at a steady pace. One that stomps the ground and never misses a beat :) Imagine what it sounds like living next door?
I've just had my first cup of tea and the birds have started singing. I do enjoy this time of morning - quietness, fresh sharp air, no mans land.
My last week of work before the holidays. Summer and cherries, my favourite.
Oh, thats a good idea, a list of my favourite summer things:
Cherries
Heat
Yellow
Water
Lawns
Sunkissed cheeks
Christmas
Cicadas in the morning
Long days
Gentle evenings
Feeling Alive
Laughter
Water fights
Barefeet
BBQ
Beach
Peaches
Cherries
Whats not to love about Summer:) I like lists too.
h2
I've just had my first cup of tea and the birds have started singing. I do enjoy this time of morning - quietness, fresh sharp air, no mans land.
My last week of work before the holidays. Summer and cherries, my favourite.
Oh, thats a good idea, a list of my favourite summer things:
Cherries
Heat
Yellow
Water
Lawns
Sunkissed cheeks
Christmas
Cicadas in the morning
Long days
Gentle evenings
Feeling Alive
Laughter
Water fights
Barefeet
BBQ
Beach
Peaches
Cherries
Whats not to love about Summer:) I like lists too.
h2
Thursday, 13 December 2007
Blessed
This year has been quite rough, emotionally. I'm glad its coming to a close. I have had another setback or 'opportunity' develop this last week. My christmas and holiday stock isn't ready and won't be until the end of January. So effectively I've missed the busiest time of the year, re sales. I was depending on the money over Dec-Jan, so I'm searching for my Plan B.
But I'm letting the stress of it go, just because there's nothing else I can do:) Handed the steering wheel over to the universe and letting it take the scenic route this summer. I know the next door will open shortly and I'll be off again.
Yesterday something special happened:) J is a client of mine, he has a mental illness which sees him swing wildly from feeling joy to despair and back again daily. Through his illness and experience this has enabled him to live and say things far more openly than most people. He introduces himself as having mental illness and will give a level of information usually saved for our nearest and dearest. I like J, I like the way he lays his soul bare. I like that he acknowledges his space and where he is emotionally. I like the fact his conversations don't start about the price of petrol or avocados:) When I ask how he is, I will get reality:) I will get a conversation that often makes people squirm, he's a magician and he doesn't even know it.
I completed a home visit with him yesterday and he walked me out to my car. He said what a nice car I had, that it was a big, powerful car and how lucky I was. I agreed. As I hopped into my car and looked back at J standing on the sidewalk, no shoes, hair uncombed but smiling he said to me " You're very blessed" and I stopped what I was doing and just smiled at him, because he was right. I said 'you're right J, I am, thank you for reminding me".
That moment was a wrinkle in time, when the present shifts so that J becomes the master of the universe, delivering profound little messages to rest of the ant colony.
Thanks J, you made my day, you're blessed too.
h2
But I'm letting the stress of it go, just because there's nothing else I can do:) Handed the steering wheel over to the universe and letting it take the scenic route this summer. I know the next door will open shortly and I'll be off again.
Yesterday something special happened:) J is a client of mine, he has a mental illness which sees him swing wildly from feeling joy to despair and back again daily. Through his illness and experience this has enabled him to live and say things far more openly than most people. He introduces himself as having mental illness and will give a level of information usually saved for our nearest and dearest. I like J, I like the way he lays his soul bare. I like that he acknowledges his space and where he is emotionally. I like the fact his conversations don't start about the price of petrol or avocados:) When I ask how he is, I will get reality:) I will get a conversation that often makes people squirm, he's a magician and he doesn't even know it.
I completed a home visit with him yesterday and he walked me out to my car. He said what a nice car I had, that it was a big, powerful car and how lucky I was. I agreed. As I hopped into my car and looked back at J standing on the sidewalk, no shoes, hair uncombed but smiling he said to me " You're very blessed" and I stopped what I was doing and just smiled at him, because he was right. I said 'you're right J, I am, thank you for reminding me".
That moment was a wrinkle in time, when the present shifts so that J becomes the master of the universe, delivering profound little messages to rest of the ant colony.
Thanks J, you made my day, you're blessed too.
h2
Tuesday, 11 December 2007
My Love
...is no ordinary thing
Love that quietens and caresses
Love that is like air, breathed in and circulated, breathed out
Love that topples
Love that fills all crevices like the ocean in a tidal pool
Love that loves
Love that quietens and caresses
Love that is like air, breathed in and circulated, breathed out
Love that topples
Love that fills all crevices like the ocean in a tidal pool
Love that loves
Monday, 10 December 2007
I still haven't found what I'm looking for
Sing along now:) I've been on a couple of dates this past month. Small shock in itself because I don't usually date. Simply, nice enough guys but I still haven't found what I'm looking for...
No, I'm not looking for Mr Universe, but Mr Sparkle would be good :)
I truly know how to get past someone's looks and see their interior. The guys I have dated in the last month have been pleasant and polite but there's been no shared laughter, no shared excitement over movies, music or interests. No connections about dreams, hopes and plans. So I'm still out on the limb, searching, prodding and digging :)
I might hire an industrial digger shortly.....my hand shovel is very labour intensive:)
On another note, I get to hand out Christmas hampers today :) I love that sort of thing. The expression of Joy on a persons face is priceless. If I won the lottery I'd do a few crazy things, like anonymous Christmas cheques to families that are struggling. Instead I will buy a present for a child who wants to be like everyone else and open something on Christmas morning but may not have that opportunity. Share your love people
H2
No, I'm not looking for Mr Universe, but Mr Sparkle would be good :)
I truly know how to get past someone's looks and see their interior. The guys I have dated in the last month have been pleasant and polite but there's been no shared laughter, no shared excitement over movies, music or interests. No connections about dreams, hopes and plans. So I'm still out on the limb, searching, prodding and digging :)
I might hire an industrial digger shortly.....my hand shovel is very labour intensive:)
On another note, I get to hand out Christmas hampers today :) I love that sort of thing. The expression of Joy on a persons face is priceless. If I won the lottery I'd do a few crazy things, like anonymous Christmas cheques to families that are struggling. Instead I will buy a present for a child who wants to be like everyone else and open something on Christmas morning but may not have that opportunity. Share your love people
H2
Saturday, 8 December 2007
Ur not my father:)
I read your emails and within me a flare goes up on the battlements. I feel an urge to fight. I feel a tightness across my chest and my body tenses. All this over an email. I can't figure it out, I walk away from the pc and leave it for an hour. Maybe after some time it will read differently. I read it again, an hour later and still I have a knot in my stomach.
What is the feeling that causes me to feel like WWIII is about to launch? Feeling a lack of consideration, respect for my opinion, feeling dominated, powerless and having little value.
I read it again and still a fire burns inside me. I can't let it drop, I can't walk away and say to myself "forget it". I need answers immediately, I want to talk about it instantly, becuase my ability to be objective about what has been written is now lost to me, like a twig in a flooded river. I want to don my armour, my spear, my sheild and my guns...I want to slog it out on the battlefield, I want to win, I want victory and I want to be heard, I want to be validated.
Where does this stem from?......my parents, but in particular my father. I spent alot of my life trying to get approval from my father. Yes, yes, its cliched and overwritten, overexposed topic, yada, yada. What I'm speaking of is not the source, but my reaction to that feeling, today in the present. How to slay the beast that is as real as smoke?
In times as the ones I have just written about, I feel like a bloodthirsty female spartin...I feel rage, which has an energy like molten lava. I can be dangerous and I can be irrational, verbally abusive and ready to kill. I have blown my lid a couple of times with a client when I have felt this way. Later on I've not been able to rationalise where the behaviour came from in an otherwise (seemingly) reasonable personality. I realise now, that I want to win over my father. I want to smash his dominance and enlighten him to a different way of thinking. I want to hear words that will never be spoken, I want to be thought of with respect and consideration.
Impossible, my father died 11 years ago.
So for all of the men that I have encountered that show me the sides of them that remind me of my father and that I find both attractive and abhorrent. For all the men that I think I can change through love and example (I can't, thats who they are) I apologise, ur not my Father. Treasured dad, be at peace. Treasured daughter, be peaceful.
H2
What is the feeling that causes me to feel like WWIII is about to launch? Feeling a lack of consideration, respect for my opinion, feeling dominated, powerless and having little value.
I read it again and still a fire burns inside me. I can't let it drop, I can't walk away and say to myself "forget it". I need answers immediately, I want to talk about it instantly, becuase my ability to be objective about what has been written is now lost to me, like a twig in a flooded river. I want to don my armour, my spear, my sheild and my guns...I want to slog it out on the battlefield, I want to win, I want victory and I want to be heard, I want to be validated.
Where does this stem from?......my parents, but in particular my father. I spent alot of my life trying to get approval from my father. Yes, yes, its cliched and overwritten, overexposed topic, yada, yada. What I'm speaking of is not the source, but my reaction to that feeling, today in the present. How to slay the beast that is as real as smoke?
In times as the ones I have just written about, I feel like a bloodthirsty female spartin...I feel rage, which has an energy like molten lava. I can be dangerous and I can be irrational, verbally abusive and ready to kill. I have blown my lid a couple of times with a client when I have felt this way. Later on I've not been able to rationalise where the behaviour came from in an otherwise (seemingly) reasonable personality. I realise now, that I want to win over my father. I want to smash his dominance and enlighten him to a different way of thinking. I want to hear words that will never be spoken, I want to be thought of with respect and consideration.
Impossible, my father died 11 years ago.
So for all of the men that I have encountered that show me the sides of them that remind me of my father and that I find both attractive and abhorrent. For all the men that I think I can change through love and example (I can't, thats who they are) I apologise, ur not my Father. Treasured dad, be at peace. Treasured daughter, be peaceful.
H2
Friday, 7 December 2007
Manners and Online dating
So yeah, I'm online dating. I figure I have nothing to lose and anything is worth a shot. I have about as much obligation as I want and I can pick and chose who I will talk to. But actually I reply to everyone that contacts me. I have these manners that won't let me ignore people, not matter how uninterested I am. But I don't become overly involved, I just say thank you and no thank you.
Which brings me to the reason for my post. Some people have no manners and it really pisses me off. A simple no thanks...no big deal, no will you marry me, no bigge....but noooooooo some *&^% actually don't reply. Of course I wouldnt want to be with someone with no manners, but jeeez, manners can get you a loooong way in all aspects of life. It shows a certain level of maturity and communication and actually from my age group, I expect it!!!
I'm pissed off because I approached a guy, said he looked and sounded interesting was he interested in meeting for coffee. He replies after 5 days (yeah, sign # 1) says oh thanks that sounds good, lets keep chatting. I reply back straight away (not desperate, just fastidious) and say sure, let me know where and when, tell me a bit about yourself in the meantime......1 day, 2 day 3 days, 4 days...........still waiting on the meantime :) No reply, disappeared into the ether...has been online a few times, no reply. So yes, I did get a reply - silence. :P:P:P:P:P
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Which brings me to the reason for my post. Some people have no manners and it really pisses me off. A simple no thanks...no big deal, no will you marry me, no bigge....but noooooooo some *&^% actually don't reply. Of course I wouldnt want to be with someone with no manners, but jeeez, manners can get you a loooong way in all aspects of life. It shows a certain level of maturity and communication and actually from my age group, I expect it!!!
I'm pissed off because I approached a guy, said he looked and sounded interesting was he interested in meeting for coffee. He replies after 5 days (yeah, sign # 1) says oh thanks that sounds good, lets keep chatting. I reply back straight away (not desperate, just fastidious) and say sure, let me know where and when, tell me a bit about yourself in the meantime......1 day, 2 day 3 days, 4 days...........still waiting on the meantime :) No reply, disappeared into the ether...has been online a few times, no reply. So yes, I did get a reply - silence. :P:P:P:P:P
h2
Thursday, 6 December 2007
Volume
I dig music, I change the genre to suit my mood. At the moment I'v got Stone Temple Pilots belting out Plush. This song is not meant to be played quietly, its as loud as you can handle (or your neighbours can handle, truthfully) This suits me just fine while I'm pounding away at the keyboard at 7am. I play music from the second I wake up until I walk out the door. My constant companion. It motivates, soothes, releases and invigorates my life. People hop into my car and immediately turn the volume down on my car stereo....its always too loud, I like it loud.
I'll listen to anything blues, rock, r&b, pop, opera, reggae, arabic, rap, jazz. Bring it on :)
Music for every activity and I mean EVERY activity. Turn it Up, rock it out.
H2
I'll listen to anything blues, rock, r&b, pop, opera, reggae, arabic, rap, jazz. Bring it on :)
Music for every activity and I mean EVERY activity. Turn it Up, rock it out.
H2
Monday, 3 December 2007
Sorting, the unromantic version of love
What have I learned about love and the selection of a partner now that I'm in my 40s, I know you're dying to hear :)
I've learned that I need to be alot more business-like and really test drive the model before I buy. Find out all the really important stuff before I start lusting after Mr Wrong. what is the important stuff u ask? Well, all the sort of things I never asked in the past. Deal-breaker stuff like:
I've learned that I need to be alot more business-like and really test drive the model before I buy. Find out all the really important stuff before I start lusting after Mr Wrong. what is the important stuff u ask? Well, all the sort of things I never asked in the past. Deal-breaker stuff like:
- Do they want kids?
- Are they religous? Will they want me to attend services too?
- Sex - how often, what kind and when (don't talk to me about cuddles, I've read a few online profiles of men that love cuddles....thats not me. I like to shag thanks)
- are they homebodies or do they like travel
- introvert or extrovert
- what are their political views (I'm liberal, so its not likely that Mr Conservative and I will want to hang with the same people)
- what kind of lifestyle do they lead? (drugs, exercise, eating patterns, smoker/nonsmoker, health, alcohol, gambling, sports, compulsive cleaner etc, you get the drift)
Basically anything that can't be changed because thats essentially who we are. I truly believe its best to ask these questions straight off the bat so I know where he stands and I dont waste my time trying to convince him to be someone he's not. I'll respect him just the way he is, I may not want to date him, but I think in the long run, he wouldnt want to date me either :)
Yes, I could compromise, but why? I really think I can be with someone that loves alot of the same stuff I do. I will compromise on housework, cooking, driving, painting, luggage, hotels - a whole raft of things that mean nothing to me. But the fundamentals, nope, we have to agree.
Some people might think bollocks, some will wonder what the hell I have been basing my choices on if this is new to me.....ummmmmmmmmmm well, it was basically if you like me, then I might be able to like you. And actually, those men were perfect for that time and that moment.
Yeah, I age and I learn, daily :)
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