Engage

I have a list of things to do. Pay outstanding bills, check private mailbox, walk the dog, sort my house (again), mow lawns, tidy the laundry, finish painting in the kitchen. Removing the last of my kitchen cabinet doors for painting. Its a bit of work and nothing to do with my paid employment. But it will have long term benefit.
I am having my house revalued on Monday so I can re-finance my house, so that payments are less and I can manage a little easier. I'm in denial about alot of things and I really need to knuckle down and work out a serious plan. I have a loose structure to the way things can work, but its not solid. Its like having a vague idea of how much is in my bank account, but not getting a statement balance. Avoidance, again. In a couple of weeks I will be expected to pay around $800 per week in expenses. At the moment I have the capability to pay around half. WARNING, stress approaching, activate preventative managment system NOW! Confirm reality. La de da di dee.....
I'm feeling like a big baby. I fantasise about winning the lottery. I fantasise about something or someone else coming along at the last minute and saving my existence. Then I look around and realise no one is coming, there is no cheque in the mail and that I need to get with the fucking programme.
I am going to write up a huge list of things I need to do and tack it to the door, that way I can't move any where in the living area without seeing it. It would be so much easier if I could just be an adult and accept this list as my own life rather than a burden put upon me by some unknown lifesource from outer space. I think the word is "r e s p o n s i b i l i t y".
Shhhh that word is highly offensive to sensitive souls :)

H2 - sin-ical and listing.