Media beating

I've just had bacon and pea soup for dinner. I imagined that I would feel cherished as I ate it, as I have had it cooking for the last 24 hours, with large chunky vegetables, a bacon hock and a very long time on low heat.

I didn't feel cherished. I felt lacking. But I think thats more emotional than anything else. I rely on feedback from others to make me feel great. If someone had said this soup is fantastic, I might have felt gleeful. I found very little joy in my cooking tonight. But its not always like that, so I figure I'm over tired.

I woke in the night, at around 2.30am and felt as if I had slept all night. I was very disappointed to see the real time. I stayed awake until around 4.45am. I had a cup of tea, booked a flight for later in the month and read some emails before sneaking back to my warm bed. I slept through the rubbish collector, I missed putting my bags at the kerb. I awoke to a text from my daughter asking if I was picking her up.....its a rude way to wake up. Staggering, grabbing and tripping over myself to get dressed and do the basics before I head out the door.

Yesterday our national news featured an article on a high profile TV and Radio sports presenter, who has been accused of beating his partner (now ex) to the point she needed a wheelchair for a little while. They brokered a deal that saw him pay her in excess of $100,000 to compensate her loss of wages, emotional trauma and confidentiality about the incident. Within a year he is marrying someone else and so is she. She had a nervous breakdown, left her well paid managerial position at Vodafone and went AWOL for a couple of months while she recuperated. It reminded me of a time in my life when my daughters father spent a night giving me a beating and making me crawl on the floor like a dog, threatening to kick my head in if I dared look at him. Charming. Needless to say, I did survive that prick and I'm 100 per cent certain that there will never be a repeat performance of that bullshit, ever.

I feel a bit of anger about this report. It reminds me of a time and a place in my own life. My daughters father came to her 21st, I look at him and I feel less than nothing. I could care less if he was there or not, when he dies I will think more of my daughter without a father than I will about him. He is a negative space to me, always will be.

I have just watched the sports presenter give a press release. He's trying to hold it all together. His statement was well said, but I imagine that a media person wrote it because he's been out of the limelight for three days preparing this polished performance.

I am cynical. I know he's hugely embarassed and remorseful, but is that because of the front page media attention? I imagine that he would continue being the cheeky, chipper, little, 'boys club' larrakin he portrays on TV every night. I think public shame is a good thing for men that beat women (actually anyone that beats anyone). I could think of a lot worse punishments.....

H2