Into the light

I read some blogs and I envy the lightheartedness of them. My blog is for the dark, it is all about my darkness. It is anonymous and non-revealing in a name, place and location sort of way.
It reveals the inner workings of my mind. My blog illuminates my strengths and weaknesses, my vulnerability and my contradictory nature, my stubborness and my fears. It is for that reason that I can barely write anything else. This blog is not for gaiety and giggles, its a place to dump and leave behind. I chose to do it publicly and anonymously, contradicting myself constantly because of the internal struggle to share and be private all at the same time.
My mind works in overdrive constantly. It whirs and spins, redirecting thoughts, patching bad memories, plastering over old ways, gluing together patchwork thoughts and random feelings that seep from cracks in the past. I function and carry on, working furiously but never as furiously as my mind, because my mind is always a step ahead. It takes sharp left turns when it feels discomfort approaching. When I try and think back to the blank pages in my memory, my mind will not allow passage. Some gates are locked forever. I'm sure this happens to many people, in fact, I know it does. Every now and then I will don my battle gear, put on my sheild, leggings, grab a spear and head into the darkness with a fiery torch. I go to find the demons that have haunted the darkest corners of my mind all my life. Sometimes I actually manage to kill one, most times I come back with nothing but the scent of something still buried deeper, further than I can find. I want to drag them into the light. Have them scorched alive and killed like vampires in the morning sun. But typically, I even have the answers to that scenario. So what if I kill them? it is the memory of them that keeps me bound. The memories that hold me captive. I am my own Captor, I am my own Jailer, I am my own Dictator.
The mind is a saviour and an oppressor, a fine balance of freedom and slavery.
Its tiring to be so bound to my thoughts, I go to work to find some respite in purpose and action.
Today I end my post by stepping in to the light of day, I'll try not to look back too often.

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