AGHHH I am so sick of myself

How can I be a sane independant woman and be so insanely dependant? I didn't quit my client. We had a chat and sorted it, we hugged and played nicely. I write down how I'm feeling, I lose my wig and I carry on. God I am so sick of myself. I am soooo angst driven. Lawdy, 40+ and still tripping and falling all over my emotions.
But this is the place to trip and fall right? In the safety of my cyber sleeping bag, where all tears are virtual and we all get to sleep on cyber clouds of cotton wool. In fact, thats exactly what I'm going to do. Go sleep and get ready for another day of reality.
I went on a coffee date last night, nothing to report besides the fact he was too shy, too hard to get to talk, a little defensive (don't know why, we didnt get there :) and a little too staid. Nice to be a little more grown up in some areas of my life. Still looking, nothing urgent.

Shleep time
h2

Ground floor business

I'll try and condense this into a short explanation of what I do and how yesterday blew out like a tyre on a bed of nails...

I manage and faciliate the production of an item for a client. I source and order raw materials, communicate concepts, liaise with manufacturer, build relationships and problem solve until we end up with the final product which I then pack and ship to the client.

From July to October we developed and produced 3 products, no mean feat given that these have never been made or developed by anyone ever before.

So yesterday when I opened my emails and see a flurry of correspondence through the night from my client I wonder what the hell is going on.

The first couple I open are fine, just updating me on bills outstanding, what spreadsheet the client would prefer for accounting, etc etc.

The next one is the doozy. It starts off by telling me not to freak.....so I immediately feel a stone in my stomach. He wants to think about moving operations to another city, closer to him.....why? Because he thinks things could get tricky with a new section he wants developed and will need to be close by. Just to make it crystal clear what this means:

* Taking our business away from our current manufacturer who has developed the files, problem-solved, pushed through instant requests based on the whim of my client (i.e client rings and asks for 3 of a particular product by Tuesday, its Friday, each product takes a day on the machine....)and generally shown a huge amount of goodwill and patience.
* I am no longer involved in any aspect of this production as I live in the same city as the manufacturer, which was the whole point really, that I could supervise on a daily basis and not have to involve the client in day to day issues.

His rationale is that he will need to problem solve the next step and will need to have it closer to him, a four hour round trip to be exact.

I call bullshit. When I ring and ask how and why he came to these conclusions he says it was just an idea. Unfortunately an 'idea' doesn't have all the steps in place, it questions and debates, discusses and weighs up the pros and cons. An "idea" doesn't have the kids in the car with the motor running. I tell him that if there were issues with the people we were using then that should be the starting point rather than up and leaving. He says he's worried about production, I say have you asked the manufacturer if this is a problem? No, but he 'thinks' it will be. And I feel my anger start to rise......because I am experiencing two things. Excuses which have no basis and denial that he wants to try someone else. He tells me that he has the right to take his file elsewhere as he owns it. Quite correct I tell him, but he will burn the manufacturer and the bridge if he does. He tells me its a business decision and that they should be ok with it?????
Basically I lose my wig and tell him that I won't be delivering that news having developed a close working relationship with them and the fact the we had worked solidly to problem solve and deliver what the client wanted. Cutting and running isn't my style when there is no apparent issue or basis for it.
I tell him that style of business doesn't work for me.

I also tell him that this decision comes from a place of dissatisfaction, because you don't fix what ain't broke and that he is naieve to think he will have the time to manage this process elswhere, given the amount of time it has taken me (and I'm "on to it") it will be all the things that he didn't want (constant correspondence, phone calls, emails). As I write this, it becomes crystal clear that this is exactly what I need to let him do, so that he has a comparison and reference point. I'll never find out whether it was or not, because we won't be working together beyond today.

Words written down make so much more sense to me. I'm hurt, I'm hurt that he doesn't recognise our value and has discarded us like an old toy. No longer useful in his grand design. Do I want to work with someone that behaves in such a way? No, I just wrote him an email about our impasse and that we need to tidy things up and pack down. Merry Christmas to me......

I also valued my relationship with him, which makes it all so bittersweet. Enjoyed the challenge, the development of some beautiful things, the debates and the thrill of seeing something WE had made on an international stage.

So long, farewell, Auf wiedersehen, adieu......

I have

I have a (beautiful) daughter
I have sisters
I have friends
I have pets
I have love

I have my health
I have a couple of jobs
I have a home
I have food
I have clothing
I have an extended family

I have faith
I have hope
I have tenacity
I have determination
I have passion
I have dreams

Done

Forgot to update the current situation on those doors....

• Contract for social services work is renewed to permanent part time
• First lot of product on the line, will roll off the line next week, going to launch, want to come? :)
• House has to be sold....sadness, renegotiated terms are still beyond me
• No news on my proposal....
• Percentages sorted with the client

I'm batting around 70%...not bad, path is clear, visibility is high :)

Sieze the day

H2

Heat

Its around 6am and the sun is already up and burning....I love summer. No more aching bones or deep chills that leaves me seeking warmth under layers of clothing all day and night. My body gives a relieved sigh when summer arrives.
I am like a plant, I hibernate in winter, peep out in Spring and unfurl in summer and yes, I will probably brown off and wither :)
I love this time of the morning - quiet and gently silent. Everything seems fresh and new, a new day with new possibilities. I realise last night that I am over someone:) I'm usually on call 24-7 and answer evey message and email that crosses my path. Now, although I will read and listen to the messages I have no sense of urgency to reply. I open and read and think no, not urgent, go to bed. The heat has left the situation....thank you god, hahaha.
I hate to be obsessive, but you know, the heart wants what it wants until it wants no more:)
My obsession isn't even available, doesn't openly know I'm obsessed and lives in a different world from mine. So in fact, I was in fantasyland about what it was and what it could be.....:) Bless me for letting my imagination get away from me, be gentle, because even at 41 I still waver between reality and the imagined :)
I don't know how married couples get on, but I can certainly say, sometimes I will meet a man and he will not only cross my path but will literally scorch it with his presence. And it doesnt matter if he is married, gay or celibate, I still have to work through a process of letting him go...hahaha. I have yet to be obsessed with someone that is single.......I think my sixth sense picks up their unavailability....this fire in particular has burned brightly for around 6 months. Bring on the real summer and all of its heat.
Thanks for the fake heat over the winter, it certainly did its job:)
To the Rescue - Bob Marley

Doors

ok, got lots of door to look through, see what I want to do....

• I approached my old work place about some contract work, my old boss seems interested and asked me to put a proposal in for consideration. I've been tossing all weekend about whether or not I want to be working for them again....kind of spur of the moment pitch that is now a reality......shit, careful what you ask for.....
• My business start up loan has been approved, now I have to go for it, I need to make the pre-Xmas sales or my summer is gonna be long and hard. Which means I need at least half a dozen products in two weeks....eeeeeeeeeeeek.
• My biggest client is interested in being a part of the other business I'm developing (designer capacity), we recently had a big blow-out, its still not completely ok between us....I think its a good time to let go of my obsession with him....????? LMAO but can I trust him? AND we still need to talk about the terms of payment, % etc.
• My mortgage is up for review tomorrow. I have to ask if they will extend my terms of payment or I will have to sell my home. If they won't renegotiate my terms I will sell my house to my sister. Its not really a problem but I would rather keep my home. I'll deal with whatever happens.
• My contract in social services comes up for review this week. The job is handy, but its hard work, its supposed to be budget advisory but you can't look at the finances without looking at the lifestyle and self esteem of the client. The pay sucks, its a third of what I used to get paid per hour, but I knew that when I took the job on.
• People to pay back, loans from here to China......its all good, I'm gonna be fine.

I've done alot of manual labour this weekend, the backyard looks amazing. I worked myself silly because I have too much to think about. I just needed time away from thinking and to get my hands on the earth and remember that nothing is as big a deal as I might imagine. I'm trying to manage my tidal waves and take the energy out of them so they are gentle not gigantic.

I have a few doors that can be closed or opened, I have a plan, I'm just scared :)

Keeping it simple and practical. Working through each issue as it comes to hand with patience and attention to detail. No room for carelessness.

I'm going to have a hot bath, listen to some music while I bathe and light some candles.

Breathe watergurl, breathe.

hmmm not quite as I wanted

That definition of sadness, kindly copied from Sandys blog actually had a watermark background, but because I'm not completely computer savvy, its dropped off into the bloghole somewhere.....
I know you're shocked that I'm not completely savvy at something, so am I!
I went out and fought the jungle yesterday (aka my backyard), did I win? Hardly, two months of inattention can do that to a garden. Got a nice tan started though, beautiful day and I ended it with Green curry chicken and a hot bath to take out the kinks. Yesterday was a live-in-the-moment kind of day. Only thing missing was Mr Beautiful, but thats another blog. Mr Beautiful doesn't exist for me right now, but he's going to. When I call him Mr Beautiful its to reinforce all the things he will be :) internally and externally.
Anyways, I put up that sadness blog to remind myself thats its just wanting and not having, so I best GET ON WITH IT and manifest all the wants into reality:)
Peace people

H2

Thanks Sandy

SADNESS

Sadness is the difference between what you want and what you got.

Sadness is longing for something you can't have.

Sadness is missing something you wish you had--still, again, or ever.

Sadness is being aware you're not where, or when, you want to be.

Sadness can indicate these things and also feelings of inadequacy or futility...based on a perceived gap between wanting something and your abilities to manifest it.

Sandy Schairer, PhD, Metaphysician
www.sandyschairer.blogspot.com

Mindbound

I feel restrained, bound and restricted. In both of my jobs.....the feeling is caustrophobic. I'm having a midlife crisis. I can't stand the thought of working for someone else, especially when I have to wait for them to make a decision so that I can plough ahead. I just want to plough!!
Even working for myself I still have to wait on other people. I have grown more impatient this year than any other year I can remember. I feel mortal and I feel like I need to accomplish more (see, I told you I was having a midlife crisis!).
Its getting to crunch time, the money has run out, my clients aren't making money (not because of me, just because they insist on doing things their way, their way = unproductive, wasted time and indecision) and I need to get on with the other side of my business so that I can work at the pace I set instead of 'waiting' for other cogs in the wheel to get moving. But guess what!!!! I'm waiting for finance approval LMAO. Irony, back down girl, sit.
Freedom, I crave it, I yearn for it. I have it. Freedom to live how I want, this is actually huge, for the most part I have that freedom, but the reality is I need to pay rent, insurance and power. Then I need an income and this is where the 'freedom' concept is challenged:) Maybe I want irresponsibility rather than freedom? Maybe I just want to run wild and not worry about the bills? And again, this is possible, but at a cost:) GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR byebye house, byebye asset, byebye big old security blanket.
BUT I am going to persist, because I am like the most tenacious dog in the world. I won't let go until I'm shot with a high powered rifle....hahahha, shit I'm sick.
I do have the most insistent feeling about my new business, I have faith and determination. I'm just bloody impatient today. I need news, a break through, a crack in the universe, an intervention of the spiritual kind :)
My freedom is in my mind, a western luxury.
Going to have a shower and get real :)
Hola

H2

Treacle

I've read through my last few posts, not exactly "I-feel-great" City.....alot of angst. My life is not bad, I just tend to hit the blog button when I'm feeling less than great. Which seems often lately........
Anyway, my part-time job demonstrates to me on a daily basis why I need to be grateful and what my life could be like if I was on another path.
Yesterday I spend the day with P a 38 year old woman, that looks around 45. P has had a life of physical and emotional abuse. She has 5 children, 3 of whom live away from home (2 with their father, one in welfare care). The courts have ruled that she may have limited access to the child in care, but will never gain custody of her again. P is under the 'high risk' section of the welfare system and has a special case worker. She is trying to make changes to her life. She has no idea what a kind and loving mother is, simply because she has never experienced one. She moved into her housing corp home yesterday, it really is lovely. They have blankets over the windows to provide some privacy, because even $10 curtains at the op-shop are out of reach to her budget. Matresses on the floor and a few pieces of furniture, it doesn't take much to create tension in this type of environment. Because there isn't enough of anything. Love, food or things that create a home (no broom even) . By the time she has bought food, $4 for a second hand broom seems too frivilous. She is given $190 per week to provide food and power to herself and her two remaining children. She has an automatic payment of $15 for a bill and rent of $84 dollars. That leaves a total of $91 to feed and provide for one 14 y old and one 2 y old. Forget clothes and doctors bills.
The 14 y old is at his most vulnerable - out of school, in the throes of puberty, being watched by CYF with a court appearance in Nov, the chances of him remaining with his mother are very low. Another statistic waiting to happen. Because the alternative life in care for the next few years will do nothing to address his problems. From the welfare care he'll be back on the streets, socially immature, with a major attitude about authority and welfare systems, alot of aggression and plenty of places to share it.
Yes, i hear people harping on about dole bludgers, beneficiaries, single mothers. Harping doesn't create self-esteem, harping ostricises and alienates sections of our society. Self esteem is the key to empowerment. The ability to lift your head up and ask for assistance, treat and be treated with respect creates a different community. Knowing that you are worth more than a lotto ticket opens doors to many possibilities.
I say, spend money on these people, do whatever it takes to show them a life worth aspiring to, expose them to experiences that have never been a part of their life. Open doors so that they can step through, assist in their introduction to a new way of being.
ENABLE and dont give up. Too many people have already given up on them, they expect you and I to give up:) Kill that expectation and create a new mantra, I believe in YOU.
Treat every aspect of their lives as interconnected and as vital to each link in their DNA chain. From our ability to get up and get dressed, to the food that is put on the table, right down to being able to look in the mirror in the morning, give blessings for another day and knowing that we have somewhere to go or something to do that sets up acheivable goals. So that at the end of the day, when we return home, tired, with food on the table that nourishes our body and hearts, we can go to sleep and think life is not so bad.
So many of our systems explore one aspect of our lives, usually money and leave all of our human needs at the door. There is no assistance for stress, poverty of the mind, sadness or feeling u are worthless. Thinking that beneficiaries are all bludgers is poverty of the mind as well, an inability to relate and feel compassion for someone elses experience.
carpe diem people.

H2

Happy Birthday little sister

She doesn't look a day over 29 (I think??) could be my rose tinted birthday glasses, but I think she looks great.
Anyway, happy birthday today Ms Scorpio currently on holiday in Brisbane, with no children:)

Counter 0 Sanity 1

Its gone, couldn't have it on my page for a second longer. I prefer my faux privacy. Yes, privacy and internet are a contradiction in terms, I realise that....shhhh. At least this way, I have no idea. What I don't know, can't irk me. I woke up at 4.15am, what a pain, lay around for 40 mins and decided to do something constructive, hopefully tire myself out and go back to bed where I belong.
I'm not a fan of 4am, its that in=between time, no one is usually awake and the world is very quiet. The threshold time between night and day break. I remember in hospital that this was the loneliest time of the night.
I've made tea and a slice of toast. Hopefully prompting the body to become tired again, wateva, its just a habit, get up, eat. Nothing seems out of the ordinary if I'm drinking tea.
Strange but true, tea is my comforter. I usually carry my own teabags in my handbag, yep, wacko. Don't worry, I'm discreet, I usually make my own tea and don't fuss about whats on offer. My tea must be strong, with a dollop of milk, no more, no less. Some people brew tea, I stew it. Wow, that really got you sitting upright, didn't it. Fascinating.
Maybe I'm trying to bore myself to sleep? I can hear the birds singing, the sky is lightening. 5.30am is my usual wake up time. Its close to that now, but I feel ripped off. I dont want to be awake earlier than that.
I went to see Room 1408 on Friday night, forget it. It could have been so good, but wasn't. I can't believe Samuel L Jackson played such a role. That man is brilliant, for godsakes someone give him a decent role. I think John Cusack overplayed the role, too much tension too early when nothing had even happened. They should have hired the freak from Silent Hill, that had some f*&ked up FX on it. Especially those nurses.....scary. This was at the other end of the budget with a quite a few inconsistencies. The stroppy 14 y old on the candy stand gave me a bucket of corn kernels too, little bugger. Overall rating out of 10, save-ur-money-wait-for-the-video 4.
OK I'm slinking back to bed, pretending that I'm tired. My tea is finished.

h2

Made a f*&^%$ mistake with that counter....

Hey, if you happen to be reading this I'm gonna let you in on a BIG secret......I put up that counter as a freebie widget from NeoEarth (cool site btw) to see how many people might cruise by. I didn't think anyone actually visited my page.....f*&% big mistake.

Now I'm freaked that people are reading it and I'm hooked to see if people are visiting.....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, god get rid of this addictive personality.

If you are a cruiser and not a reader, happy travels, if you're a reader of my page, NEVER tell me ok? Cos I'm happy pretending that no one does. But now I feel like Truman, so I sort of killed my own diary. Dum ass.

Once upon a Saboteur

She is a saboteur. She plants seeds of doubt and cultivates them as if they were newborn babies, so tender but so deadly. She makes jagged comments and undermines truth, hiding her fears behind commentary and supposed objectivity. She seeks comfort and understanding after she has created mayhem. She feigns sadness and distance after her motives are questioned. She plays this game really well and can spin all stories so that they might make sense.....in Oompa Loompa Land.

She is fearful and believes honesty is about criticism. She does not want to be wrong, She does not like mistakes. She is misled, she does not know that honesty is actually about looking in the mirror and knowing your own faults, owning them, embracing them and being able to see yourself in others without turning away. She will come to know that honesty is face on and standing upright. She appraoches with a smiling mask, a sharp tongue and a razor scythe that fits so neatly into her pocket.

She skirts the edges and never participates so that she can revel in the post-dissection and criticism of the bloodiest kind. She prefers a blunt knife for the autopsy, so that the pain is excruciating under the guise of detached observation. She is fucking angry. He needs to watch out:)

He actively buys into this behaviour by supporting Her analysis and criticism. He takes on the criticism as if it was His own and starts perpetrating that myth. He wants to be manipulated. He desperately wants Her approval, of which She will never give. She is angry, remember?He reinforces the lies, because he'd rather be unhappy than alone.

These two are perfect for each other in their own world, but woe betide this happy couple when they encounter the outer world.

Closed

Its ok, case closed, turning down the volume on this drama. I think I communicate clearly? deluded again. No wonder we wage war on each other. My ability to communicate my message varies on a daily basis. Some days I rock, other days I do not....seriously not.
Some days the drama is as huge as a wave off the coast of Hawaii, killer waves that can seriously hurt you if you happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Waves of drama that will pound you into the reef and carry on as if nothing happened. Need to check that tsunami alot earlier and warn the coastguard. I need to not let it get so wound up like a hurricane coming in to shore. Why am I talking waves, tsunami and hurricanes? Thats just me, I see situations as pictures rather than words, try and dig it if you can:) Its like asking me why the sky is blue, my answer is 'because its not green'....yeah, it only makes sense in my world:) Only waves that knock me off my feet and make me laugh for a little while, ok?
Welcome back boi, you were missed.
h2

Closer

The more I look at it the more I think its time to let go. The past week has been tough. First R and then M, I feel let down by both. My weekend away did nothing to eleviate that feeling but added to it. Like glitter turned to stone. E, H and V all viewed from far away, I could neither feel or value their presence.
People and places to be let go of, like a physical expiry date. That boat that I'm in, deep at sea with neither land nor people in sight is ever present. I just need to see a few more people face to face and make my decision. Indifferent, but softly, not harshly.
When I look at someone, I can see the corners of their heart, I can see what they try to hide from everyone else. I can see their darkness and their light.
What does that mean? It means I can tell when someone hasn't told everything.....I can tell if someone is hiding...something. Most times I let it ride, because it usually has nothing to do with me, not this time....Come hither, let me see your eyes so that any shadow or flicker can be recorded, every shrug, smirk, twitch, shift or scratch is loaded into my microscopic mind for analysis. Shall we meet?
My own heart has corners that even elude me. It is not a judgement, it just is.
So come closer, let us speak and let me see what it is that is not spoken.

Home

I arrived home last night and haven't felt so relieved in a long time. My space, my sanctury, my bed, my bones. I drank tea and felt my burdens leave me. Just stepping across the threshold gave me a sense of quiet and peace. I stood in the shower for 30 minutes and just felt the water wash away all my tension. Laying down in bed, the last of my worries left me, I sunk into my pillow, pulled my blankets up around my chin and found peace in my sleep. I felt so grateful that this place that I call home, is just that, my home, the place where I feel most comforted, the place where I rest.

Will I

.............go back there?

Over it

Arrived to an afternoon of meetings yesterday, all good, no probs. Went and met friends for a few drinks from around 5pm, started good and ended mediocre albeit nearly 9 hours later. I think I'm over certain people and certain places. I couldnt give a rats ass about a few people I encountered last night. I didnt find the humour or the attention stimulating. I felt distracted, like something was missing.
The old me would have found easy laughter, interesting conversation and a willingness to be central in the discussion. Not so anymore. Tired of it and over it.
I've moved somewhere else emotionally, my friends and family no longer hold me. Where to now? Going overseas? Going, just going? Its quite clear that things have changed, not surprising really, too much has happened. Like standing outside a glass house and watching an old life continue. Observing but not feeling connected enough to want to participate.
With only 4 hours sleep I need to go catch up on some zzzzzz, just needed to write down that observation. I have no idea where the ship is heading now, I hate to head off on my own again, but there isnt much choice, hanging back in the shadows isnt really an option just because its safer. I wish there was someone that could keep up, this journey gets mighty lonely sometimes.

Played

I skipped over something deliberately, just cos I don't even want to think about it, makes my heart ache.

I'm a giver, yep guilty as charged, constantly give to people. Some people are takers, unfortunately there must be a universal balance or we would tip off the earth. For both these types of people there must be a time when the giver takes and the taker gives, make sense? Stay with me on this one, it gets a little bent.

I've given freely to a certain person, jumped and made things happen, some of them asked for, some of them not. I have a bigger picture of what can be and work to make that picture a reality, I work really hard. I don't think I'm demanding but I might be? I'm open to that possibility. I know I have high standards, but so does this person, constantly questioning details and asking for the moon, when we only have cheese.

I do get riled when I ask for something in return and I don't receive, because I do so rarely ask. This has happened a couple of times with this person, not once, twice or even three times. So now, I have put the brakes on and ask them to step off my train. Cos I can't have someone that treats me with so little consideration sitting in First Class. First Class is for my friends that give just as freely as I do. First class is for those in my life that trust me and know that I don't ask because I'm bored or wanting attention. First class is for those around me that recognise the effort and are grateful, just as I am with them. First class is where the good seats are, where the house is warm and there is always an open door. First class is knowing that you can ring at any time and ask for anything and I'll try my damndest to get it for you. First class is for those that have my back, that watch out for me and love me :)

So sorry that you need to depart here, can I help you down from the train? I've packed you a lunch and put in a blanket in case the weather changes. I also put a torch in your bag so that you never lose your way. We have reached a fork in the tracks, my train takes me this way, your train will be along in a minute. Its been great to work with you and you are soo talented, you will be just fine.
Much love on your journey, see you at a station sometime:)

h2o

Leaving on jet plane don't know when I'll be back again...

OK, I'm over my intoxicification (thats not a real word, I "Homerised" it). Feet back on the ground, walking upright, cautious but doing ok. The beginning of this week ploughed me out. Media, can't stand them most days but when they're in your face its worse.

Jumping on a plane today and going far away. Gonna catch up with friends and have a night out:) Gonna try and hold back on the alcohol cos I've got the feeling that I could scare the bejezus out of people, LOL. I do know when I'll be back, but its much more exciting to think there are no plans, that I can just go and whatever I want will be:) Freedom to roam far and wide, cross mountains, scale sheer cliffs, run through rivers, leap fjords and fly over oceans. I've restrained myself my entire life, lawdy I'm tired of it.

Focusing on my business and what I need to do to get there. Self lecture most mornings, up-talking all situations, mowing over the old and tired little voice inside so that I can overcome the gremlins. I'm a few feet away from base-jumping out into the world.....find out shortly if my application was successful:)

Damn I need a massage, my shoulder blades scream because they're so tense. I have to stop manifesting my bullshit, perspective madam, for godsakes its not as if I'm creating a cure for cancer!! Its not too bad, I don't have a facial tick or anything but somedays I do feel like Quasimodo.

The weekend is here, I go back to face some demons and some angels. Lets hope they're easily identified, sometimes their masks get a little muddled. With my hand on my heart, let me see.

Rollin

H2o