More bullshit

Work is doing my head in. The people are ignorant and I am taking the day off cos I feel drained. I am going for a walk along the beach, its summer and warm even though its 5.30am. I have been awake since 3.30am.....I need to get real. I also need to sort a stress plan, cos this isn't life. I over burden myself with worry. Most of it not mine, but I insist on carrying it anyway.....where the hell did I put my life? Must have left it on the bedside table.....
Anyway, this bad habit needs kicking so I'm heading out to commune with the sand and the water.
walk, talk, file, shelve, muster, prod, coral, coerce

H2

tagged by Sarah

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random arbitrary things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

1. Shame, I don't even know how to link!!!! Failed
2. Done, phew....!
3. I smoked for 20 years, quit 7 yrs ago....I know, I started young. I went through surgical menopause at 30....again, I'm ahead of the game...what can I say? Ummm I buy my clothes second hand. I could lie and say I was recycling but I'm not. I just don't waste good money on overpriced clothes. Before you scream, I have a very good wardrone....:P I got my drivers license at 40 so I could legally drive...every now and then I lick soap/laundry powder (its a chemical imbalance thing), sounds gross, it is. I've got 7 tattoos and not all of them 'fit' the corporate look, my own version of fucking with ya....:)
4. Ummm dont know 6 peeps and sure as hell can't link to them, so if you reading this, consider yourself tagged
5. Ditto
6. Sarah, heading to you now.....geez that was pathetic H2

Death becomes us

When I looked at my cellphone this morning, the time read 3.18am. I wonder why the hell I have to open my eyes and allow my brain to begin its torrent of information so early in the morning. I develop bad habits easily. All this week it has been 4am starts....wtf.....get a life.
Its now 5.02 and what started out as a mere flickering of my eyelids has now become my full blown day. In the time since I first opened my eyes I have washed the dishes, had breakfast and replied to my emails.
Tonight one of my sisters is arriving and we're going to have a few drinks down the road at the local pub, that should add at least an hour to my waking time tomorrow.....we'll see.
Anyway, I started this post to talk about the impact of actions.
I've been to two funerals this week, both of the older men, who had lived for a good innings, 83 and 70 respectively. Both brilliant minds, both well respected, both human, both living archives.
One of them was an elder at the place that I work. I had booked an interview with him because i knew he was unwell and then he passed away before I could complete the interview.
That sounds a bit morbid, but i believe its really important to record people who have made a huge impact on the people around them. I think the documentation of a persons life can be a great gift to those left behind. And while thats true, its usually only important to those that remember them as a person, living and breathing. I was quite upset that I missed my opportunity to record him before he passed but the more I think about it, the more I am sure that future generations will be better off hearing stories of his acts, because no film can give you his entire personality because film doesn't give you that sense. If offers snippets and cuts for you to sew into your own personal quilt of perspective.
There are so many aspects of myself that I keep private that it will be hard to find one person that truly knows me :) I think that can be said of all of us. My motivations and expectations are based on my life experiences, never able to be explained by anyone but myself, but could be viewed by others as eccentric and unstable. That would be fair.
The life I am living is my version of events, my perspective, my own wide view lense. I react to all circumstances in ways which only I know about.
For instance, when I go to the Dentist I often hold back fearful tears. I have a few tears because my fears visit me from long ago. I travel back in time to a 6 y old girl that was sat in the dentist chair and had other mothers paraded in front of me to show them my 'disgusting teeth'. I didnt tell my own mother about this story when i was little, because my own mother had her own problems....I realise now that the Dental Nurse was a bitch with 'her' own problems. Nothing is as personal as we think, its all about our own experiences that usually dictate our behaviour. Who knows what act of powerlessness led the Dental Nurse to demonstrate power and cruelty later in life?
Back to topic. I had the honour in having these men in my life as people of knowledge, maturity and grace. I am not sure what others had experienced with them but that is my experience. They were good men, who lived life with flair and charm. I wanted to bear testament to their imprint on my life. When they closed the casket I felt a deep sense of sorrow. Just because they will never walk this earth again, because I will never bump into them on the street, because I will never sit down and have a conversation or an argument with them again, because I will never ask them another question, because I will never be able to be comforted by their wisdom and counsel again. Life can be so insular, but its really about the effect we can have on others that is the true measure.
Ki oku kaumatua, haere ki ona tupuna. Haere, haere, haere atu ra.

Nostalgic November

I'm having a waltz down memory lane this month. Playing Bob Marley every day like I used to when I was 15, life was complicated, hormonal and dramatic. But Uncle Bob just cruised on the stereo being his laid-back self. 25 years later, he is still doing it for me. I can't work up the energy to even think stress when he's playing. Not that his lyrics are soft or anything, just the groove is more syrup than steel.
My fathers anniversary was two weeks ago, 12 years he's been gone. Its a long short time. I think this new place has some interesting challenges for me.
As a rule I am not a lonely person, but I can be a loner. I like to be around people and I like my time alone. All my life I have lived within 50km of a member of my family (sisters to be exact). Not that I visited them regularly but just the thought provided me with a nice, fuzzy security blanket. Here, there is no one, I am literally alone. I have a friend from a long time ago that I work with, but he has a young family and is not really available for brunches or popping out for coffee......thats single friends behaviour. I am living semi rural so my pool of perspective friends is decreased by the fact that my working hours are spent in the city and my home life is rural...
Interesting predicament I am finding myself in. I am planning more activity classes in the city in the new year, but until then I'm wandering free.
As I say that I look at my house and think, well you do have stuff to get on with, so get to it!
I finished my last contract last week. Best get on with that 40 something life I wanted :)
Get up Stand up is playing, how appropriate...come on girl, get up and stand up....
Chillin Sunday, oh and by the way.....I love that the US voted in Barack Obama, just the courage of that act softened my heart, I had my faith restored after watching that election. I never thought I would see something like that in my lifetime and I'm watching with a deep interest to see how he goes. Maintain courage people, yes you can.

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Run Home Nala

My cat died. I left him with my mother 10 weeks ago when I moved up here and now he's dead. My sister tells me tonight that he died two night ago. I think she's not telling me the whole story.
I had Nala for 13 years, he was fostered out to my sister for 1 year when I developed a bad allergy and came back once I was over it. Nala was a beautiful jet black cat, that was very quiet and always gentle. He was the softest, non aggressive TomCat I ever met.

After I left he had gotten into a fight and was badly hurt. He had to be taken to the vet because he couldnt walk, he developed a bad abcess on his shoulder that got badly infected. I found this out later, after he was on antibiotics and healing. About 4 weeks ago I dreamt that Nala was crying and looking for me, I asked my daughter to go and visit him and see if he was ok. She said he was ok, just really quiet and sleeping alot.

He never had any illness with me, never got badly hurt or needed a vet. I feel like a selfish son of a bitch that took off and left him behind and threw him to the dogs. But I missed him when I moved here, I miss my dog too. I thought he was gonna have a quiet life with Mum, no hassles and a cruisy retirement. I didn't think he was gonna scrap it out and get beaten up.

I cried alot when I found out tonight. I feel like I let him down. Just like I let my friend down. I'm still crying. I hope he didn't suffer too much. I'm sorry I left him behind and I feel really bad, really bad. I hope he's forgiven me for leaving him.
Run home Nala.

New Life

I haven't posted for a while because of a few reasons.
1 I feel light, the darkness is far away :)
2 I have a new job that keeps me busy, very busy
3 I have dial up internet access because I live in a rural area, its the cost of living in a beautiful seaside village and I no longer want to sit and wait for the sporadic, temperamental connection
4 I have nothing to write :) which is a good thing, because i have always said that my blog is about my darkness, not my light :)
5 I'm happy
6 I'm happy
I'll be back, probably when things close in around me, but for now I am running free.
Thanks always
h2o

Mayhem in the house

I don't know how, but after 5 solid days of packing, the house looks worse.

I have no clear pathway anymore and theres a mass of stuff still to pack...I'm scared. LOL.

Only when I began to pack did I realise how out of control I am. Oh the madness, the sweet, sweet madness....:)

Some of the stuff I'm selling is going too cheap, bidding online is crap sometimes. Or maybe the market just says, your stuff is crap...lol, probably, I have strange affinities that only I will understand and treasure (emotional attachment again...)

The truck arrives in two days and I have a tonne of stuff to get through. I arranged the disconnection of my phone yesterday and they told me if I wanted to connect at the new place it would cost me $60. I disagreed and said that I had been with their company for over 10 yrs, paid my bill on time and thought they should waiver the fee (this is quite acceptable practise, they did it for me when I moved here). Needless to say the team leader disagreed and wouldnt waive the fee. I said I would consider going to another company like Telecom, he/she said fine, they will charge a connection fee too......like a red rag to a bull....I sent a letter

NOTE TO BUSINESSES: never treat your customers like they are dispensable.
The only difference between companies is CUSTOMER SERVICE and PRICE. If you are not outcompeting your competition in terms of service and product price, then you are offering NOTHING.

A bad storm is supposed to roll in today. Given that I will be buried under newspaper and boxes its not such a bad way to spend the day.

My car broke down yesterday morning, I think the gods are making sure I get it looked at before I drive north. The AA (roadside assistance) said my fans are munted. Scuse me?
Apparently the cooling fans are not working.....ok, will get it looked at today. Like I said, best to happen now and not in some remote area on my travels.

I'm going to miss my daughter, I worry about her sometimes. Being an adult is even difficult for those of us that have had years and years of practise. She is pigheaded like her mother, so she will learn and grow.....sometimes at a slow pace. Its hard to know that we have choices, even if they are crap choices, but ALWAYS there are choices and don't even start on the personal responsibility :)

I think I would like to lie down in a field of long grass and not think too much for a while. In New Zealand you can lie down in the grass and not worry. We have no snakes, scorpions or poisonous spiders. Nothing poisonous except the Katipo spider which is about as common as Michael Jackson at your corner store on Monday night.

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Nutshells

I'm surrounded by boxes and tissue, I'm suffocating. I'm packing up my life and moving away to the beach, to a little bach by the sea that is about half the size of my house....

I'm trying to be ruthless, but I'm kidding myself. On my terms I AM being ruthless. To the average person that doesn't have a collecting addiction I am a clutterholic.
But I have made some bold moves that even I am proud of. I sold my 6 seater dining room table and chairs yesterday, 10 yrs of dinners and gathering around that table....not that it had six people around it permanently, but the thought was there :)

Moving to a bach means I will probably pick up a small table with a couple of chairs, somewhere along the way.
I sold my rolled arm, olive green lounge suite yesterday too......its a fantastic old suite, but in reality its just not comfortable....so goodbye dear furniture.

I have around 30 listings on our version of Ebay and I'm obsessively watching them to see if they hatch. I was going to see at the local market today, but its bucketing down, which means that all those people like me will not be scouting around in the rain. Plan B, sell at the Thursday morning market instead. I'm cutting it close though, I leave in one week...eek.

After I sold the dining room table and chairs I felt liberated. I burned all my old paperwork in a brazier outside, some of it I have had for over 15 yrs....I don't know why I kept it for so long, probably along the lines of 'that might come in handy some day' or 'thats a very interesting recipe/article or information'...etc, so forth, I can't remember, but obviously I had an emotional attachment to it. I suppose that's me in a nutshell. I have too many emotional attachments and not enough verbalisations or actions. If I want to go to Morocco then save and do it, but I dont need to keep a brochure about Morocco for 5yrs because the imagery mesmirises me:)

I'm looking at my fridge/freezer now. I have had a family sized fridge for many years, even though my daughter left home a long time ago. I am a single woman with a 6ft fridge/freezer that could hold the contents for a family of 5.

I will let you in on a secret.

I wanted a large family. I always have. I had hoped that one day I would meet someone so special that we would want to have 5 kids together :) That didnt happen and at age 30 I went through surgery (ovarian tumours) induced menopause. No more kids for me. But then the dream changed and I imagined that I might meet someone that would want to adopt or foster 4 more kids :)

I'm going to let that dream go now. I'm going to live my life right this minute and just enjoy what is - just now, right here. I have been a favoured aunty to many of my 17 neices and nephews and that will do.

So when I finish this post I am taking a photo of that fridge and its going online for sale :)

Carpe diem

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FYI

I had another birthday 5 days ago. For the past two years I have not enjoyed my birthday. It has been ambushed by others and turned into some childrens circus that I don't enjoy.
Last year my sister invited me over for dinner and we have cold chicken, coleslaw and buns, wtf?
Its the middle of winter here, I don't want a summer picnic on my birthday, its usually 3 degrees, but the kids loved it.....great, happy birthday kids.
Yes, I am ungrateful. I don't give a fuck. I should have just cooked and not had any expectations. I say this because my sister is usually a great cook.
So this year I had forgotten last year and my sisters and mother invited me over after work.
It was supposed to be nibbles and a cake with the kids, as the adults had planned to go out for dinner later that night.
I arrive and one of my sisters tells me that we're not going out for dinner anymore and that we're having fish and chips......wtf?
I don't get it.

I hearby proclaim, that next year I will do what I please and I will not be held captive by my family. I will only indulge in adult activities and it will be exactly what I wanted.

Thank you

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Moving

I got the job yesterday:)
I'm leaving, packing up my house and moving north. They have agreed to pay relocation and I am really happy. I have already chosen a place to rent via internet and my sister and my mother will come along for the ride to help me unpack.
I have two weeks to get there. I have a big three bedroom house to downsize to a beachsize bach. Did I hear you say Garage Sale?
This morning I think I have tonsillitis, my tonsils are swollen, I have a headache. The stress is coming out. The fact that I was able to exhale all the worry and the jitters after the hearing the news meant the body had time to say to itself 'the gates are down, lets express the stress, quick, before she locks us up again'. So thats what I'm doing. My body is taking over my mind.
Balancing of the scales. My cat will stay with my mother and the dog....I don't know.
I inherited the dog from my daughter, so I guess she will be going back to my daughter.
I'm in a little bit of a quandry, but mostly sad, because I know that I will chose my new job and home over the dog.
The new place does not allow animals, actually most rentals don't allow animals. Its just a landlord preference. And when I told the lady at the Real Estate agents that she was a Rottweiler, well.......silence is golden? I could hear the shaking of her head.
But today, I am packing and taking it easy, cos I actually feel like crap.
The sooner I accept the stress the sooner I can get better.
carpe diem

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homeless

Its been a busy week. I found out last Friday that I was shortlisted for a job up North and they wanted each interviewee to present a couple of concepts in a powerpoint presentation. One of the concepts was historical and quite politically loaded, I felt my stomach sink when I read the topic.
I spent the next 5 days researching and preparing my powerpoint presentation.
I fly up north on Wednesday and thought I was presenting an interview panel. It turns out I am presenting to 10 staff.....yehaa!

I am nervous but once I start my patter its not so bad. The hardest topic receives very little feedback, not surprising. The second concept creates alot of dialogue and discussion, thats a positive. I met with the Director and two others afterwards and I feel quite nervous.
I feel my throat going dry and in parts of the conversation I feel myself lose the thread of coherency:) Rabbling on. They tell me they need to contact my referees and that it may take some time given that one of my referees is about the leave the country soon.

I flew home in a roundabout way, making a stopover (how you can make a stopover in NZ is beyond me, but there I was.....) taking me 4 hours to get home to the South Island.
I was exhausted. The good news is they wanted to ring my referees. The bad news is, one of my referees was heading overseas for 10 days the following day. I forwarded his cellphone number, but I have yet to hear the outcome of my interview. I know the other referee was rung and I will call her tomorrow to see what they asked.

On Monday I will email and see what the situation is. But as far as I know, checking your references after the interview is pretty telling?

I have also checked on another job I applied for, its bloody frustrating when I have to chase up jobs, very slack people in some of the HR sectors.....

So I am jobless after this week, because I have handed in my notice. I am not panicking but being in limbo does my head in. I need action and activity. I am selling off large segments of my retro furniture, because regardless of the outcome I am ready to move on in some parts of my life. I'm ready to sell my house. I'm ready to leave the South Island. I am ready to be homeless. I'm just ready.

I connected two lots of people to each other this week and it was fantastic. It is magic to watch people connect and so rewarding to be part of the connection. Both sets of people were artists and have a fine line of crossover, together the results should be sublime :)

Signing off and signing out.

H2
I

Ideal Men

I'm gonna lighten up on this post (am I kidding myself?????). I was speaking to my younger sister last night (yes, I usually grade my sisters by age, believe me, its all relative when there are 6 of you...), she was talking about her latest boyfriend. They have been seeing each other for nearly a year. She is divorced, 39, stunning, intelligent, with two children (ginger is 4, blondie is 7) and a hefty mortgage. She works full time and is usually very tired from multi-tasking the hell out of every hour of the day.

Anyway, last week when he was down for the weekend they had had a row (thats an argument in kiwispeak, not row as in boat, rau as in argue). She had arrived home tired and grumpy because Ginger had had a tantrum all the way from daycare to home and was still going when they walked in the door. After 15 minutes of trying to reason with him (and with the boyfriend sitting on the couch watching) she put him in time out, and put him in time out and put him in time out.....

She starts to cook dinner and when he asked 'what are doing' and then 'was that the best way to do it', well, that wisdom just broke the camels back. I'd love to hear from a couple of guys about this. Because when she tells me about this little exchange I say...oh no, Danger Will Robinson....that type of question to a woman is gonna get you a rise, not a pay rise, a rise in the stoopidometer. What would make a man walk into an inferno? Do they not see the sirens, flashing lights, smoke, bubbling lava and shooting flames?

They end up having a huge argument about her parenting, her attitude and her 'mood swings'...I laughed. He is divorced with two kids as well, but rarely sees his kids cos they live in another country (yes, this came up in the argument as a counter argument). I asked her, did he think to cook dinner since he'd been at home all day, did he try and distract Ginger, anything, anywhere? No.

She tells me she's not sure if they will last because they are quite different (thank god, I say, I would hate to be with myself every day, I have enough of that now) and he is very introverted when they go out. He doesn't make easy conversation socially and my sister is very outgoing.
And just when I think - oh no, its doomed she says 'but its so nice to come home to small things when he's down for the weekend. Like last weekend he put up my curtain rail that has been sitting there for a year, hung the curtains, fixed the leaking tap, fixed the hoses on my washing machine, scrubbed the toilet floor by hand, cleaned my oven, even wiped the kettle down, put my dvd into the cabinet and put all my dvds away....' I told her to fuck off and asked if she was kidding. She wasn't. I told her to stop whingeing about the non-communicado in social settings and be happy. He also happens to be great in a number of other places too......he just needs to learn how to participate within the family setting. All of the things he does are when no one is home, he does not interact with the kids and he does not participate in their routine. So just nip that BS in the bud, tell him to get his hands dirty and involved in the family stuff and move on....if he can't do that, well, thats another story.....

So when I get a full picture of what is going on, well, its not bad. We say dumb stuff all the time and get into all sorts of situations. Just a bad day at home. The trouble for men and women is that women have learned to be capable too, as well as emotional, as well as communicators. We have taken over that corner of the field. Our skill base is getting bigger and bigger and our beloved men sometimes haven't learned to multi task and build their baskets of knowledge so well. I know if I walk into a friends house and she's frazzled, kids are screaming and there's stuff to do, I just do it. My friends are the same - distract the kids, feed them, take them out to play, take them to their room to play, just seperate the energies so that everyone has 15 minutes space and the world becomes a nice place again. We know instinctively what to do.

If I came home to a man that did those sort of things around the house, that would difinitely put a tint in my rose glasses for the first year. I value capable men and I'd commit to teaching him the communication development programme (I just made that up, but it sounds good eh? my personal programme of saying what you feel and asking for what you need, effectively).

I know so many women that are single, beautiful, intelligent, capable and got it together. The brotherhood needs to have a revolution for themselves, I'd support them! Shit, I might even sponsor one :)

Be good to ourselves and each other.

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Media beating

I've just had bacon and pea soup for dinner. I imagined that I would feel cherished as I ate it, as I have had it cooking for the last 24 hours, with large chunky vegetables, a bacon hock and a very long time on low heat.

I didn't feel cherished. I felt lacking. But I think thats more emotional than anything else. I rely on feedback from others to make me feel great. If someone had said this soup is fantastic, I might have felt gleeful. I found very little joy in my cooking tonight. But its not always like that, so I figure I'm over tired.

I woke in the night, at around 2.30am and felt as if I had slept all night. I was very disappointed to see the real time. I stayed awake until around 4.45am. I had a cup of tea, booked a flight for later in the month and read some emails before sneaking back to my warm bed. I slept through the rubbish collector, I missed putting my bags at the kerb. I awoke to a text from my daughter asking if I was picking her up.....its a rude way to wake up. Staggering, grabbing and tripping over myself to get dressed and do the basics before I head out the door.

Yesterday our national news featured an article on a high profile TV and Radio sports presenter, who has been accused of beating his partner (now ex) to the point she needed a wheelchair for a little while. They brokered a deal that saw him pay her in excess of $100,000 to compensate her loss of wages, emotional trauma and confidentiality about the incident. Within a year he is marrying someone else and so is she. She had a nervous breakdown, left her well paid managerial position at Vodafone and went AWOL for a couple of months while she recuperated. It reminded me of a time in my life when my daughters father spent a night giving me a beating and making me crawl on the floor like a dog, threatening to kick my head in if I dared look at him. Charming. Needless to say, I did survive that prick and I'm 100 per cent certain that there will never be a repeat performance of that bullshit, ever.

I feel a bit of anger about this report. It reminds me of a time and a place in my own life. My daughters father came to her 21st, I look at him and I feel less than nothing. I could care less if he was there or not, when he dies I will think more of my daughter without a father than I will about him. He is a negative space to me, always will be.

I have just watched the sports presenter give a press release. He's trying to hold it all together. His statement was well said, but I imagine that a media person wrote it because he's been out of the limelight for three days preparing this polished performance.

I am cynical. I know he's hugely embarassed and remorseful, but is that because of the front page media attention? I imagine that he would continue being the cheeky, chipper, little, 'boys club' larrakin he portrays on TV every night. I think public shame is a good thing for men that beat women (actually anyone that beats anyone). I could think of a lot worse punishments.....

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7.04

Its 7.04am, pitch black , no sunrise and cold, vicious witch fingers will pick at me if I step outside.
I told my sister I would pick her up at 7.30....I doubt it.
Winter gets harder as I get older. I am meant to be splashing around in the waves somewhere, in unbearable heat and there is no sign of rain, damp, howling winds and chilly blasts from Antarctica. I have missed my fate, somehow I took a wrong turn and ended up here, in the South Island in the middle of Winter. I know that was a contradiction......fate and wrong turns, but if you read earlier posts you will know that I have a contradictory nature, so there.
I have barely slept. Not because I'm cold, just because my mind is working overtime.
I have a full day ahead but none of it makes my blood pump. I feel quite alone. I miss my best friend. When she passed away last year she left a cavern - huge and monstrous in proportion. A never to be repeated act of energy, much like Haleys comet, you might see it once in your lifetime. I must admit, I have on a couple of occasions wondered why I stay here.

I miss her. I miss her because there is no one else in my life anywhere near what her friendship offered me. This might seem callous, but the remaining friends are like cardboard cutouts in comparison. A typical outing would go something like this - breakfast at Lemon Squeeze, buying fruit and vege for the week at the local markets, making earrings at Bead World and then a visit to the local hardware giant to look at bathrooms and learning about the latest in DIY.
Our interests were expansive - good food, good books, art, travel, a session of reiki, a reading, fashion, sewing, foreign films, DIY, cooking and glamour. And all the while talking and talking. Philosophy, analysis, conclusion and vision.

You have fallen and I can not pick you up. I can not offer you a hand or a shoulder to lean on. I can not follow. I can not find you here on earth.
Much Love

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phones

I have a phone interview today. I'm not a fan of phones, because I can't see their faces and they can't see mine. All the finer communications are in body language and facial expression.
This vital clue is missing over the phone. BUT I have to make do with the situation because an alternative wasn't offered. The position is with a provincial museum, so I don't imagine there was a huge budget to work with. In saying that its a provincial musuem, its one of the more modern ones, good exhibition spaces, solid staff and and a couple of hours drive from the big city.
I was born in this region so it has the footprint on my memory. I'm going to try and convey my personality, knowledge and capabilities over the phone. My goal is to intrigue them enough to fly me up to meet face to face. If I can achieve that, I might seal the deal.
Anyway, from past experience, its not good to be put all of my hopes in to one basket. I am realistic about my chances, but damn, I'll give them something to think about. And I think that's my attitude for interviews, give it my all for the hour and then let it go. I have a meeting with a couple of artists after that. I know by the time I pull out of the driveway in my car I will be mentally moving on to the next meeting.
tally ho chaps

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Into the light

I read some blogs and I envy the lightheartedness of them. My blog is for the dark, it is all about my darkness. It is anonymous and non-revealing in a name, place and location sort of way.
It reveals the inner workings of my mind. My blog illuminates my strengths and weaknesses, my vulnerability and my contradictory nature, my stubborness and my fears. It is for that reason that I can barely write anything else. This blog is not for gaiety and giggles, its a place to dump and leave behind. I chose to do it publicly and anonymously, contradicting myself constantly because of the internal struggle to share and be private all at the same time.
My mind works in overdrive constantly. It whirs and spins, redirecting thoughts, patching bad memories, plastering over old ways, gluing together patchwork thoughts and random feelings that seep from cracks in the past. I function and carry on, working furiously but never as furiously as my mind, because my mind is always a step ahead. It takes sharp left turns when it feels discomfort approaching. When I try and think back to the blank pages in my memory, my mind will not allow passage. Some gates are locked forever. I'm sure this happens to many people, in fact, I know it does. Every now and then I will don my battle gear, put on my sheild, leggings, grab a spear and head into the darkness with a fiery torch. I go to find the demons that have haunted the darkest corners of my mind all my life. Sometimes I actually manage to kill one, most times I come back with nothing but the scent of something still buried deeper, further than I can find. I want to drag them into the light. Have them scorched alive and killed like vampires in the morning sun. But typically, I even have the answers to that scenario. So what if I kill them? it is the memory of them that keeps me bound. The memories that hold me captive. I am my own Captor, I am my own Jailer, I am my own Dictator.
The mind is a saviour and an oppressor, a fine balance of freedom and slavery.
Its tiring to be so bound to my thoughts, I go to work to find some respite in purpose and action.
Today I end my post by stepping in to the light of day, I'll try not to look back too often.

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Jetsam

I'm pissed off. I got a GST notice today that I owe $1000 to the tax dept. Not so bad you might think. I don't have $1000, I can barely make my mortgage payments....
I rang my accountant, I may as well be talking to an orange. I'm pretty sure hes filling in the numbers but not actually working for me. Just taking the money, punching in numbers but not looking out for my business. Slacker.
I have applied for jobs all over and I feel like jetsam, no control, just going with the flow, bumping up against stuff, bumping off and floating away.
This bullshit gets to me. I don't like things so lose. I am adrift in the stream of life and sometimes it aint so pretty. The other day I created summer in my day. Today I am in bill land. I am doing all I can to get another job, but I'm scared its not coming. I stepped off a year ago, but now that I am trying to step back on....it aint so easy.
I have three weeks, I'm counting and I'm working on it.
I'm looking at that panic button really carefully, I'm not ready to scream but I'm doing the warm up exercises. Fuck this, I'm not going down without a fight.
Maybe being cornered is a good thing, because I'll definitely come out fighting.
Rowing.

H2

If I won..

If I won lotto, this is my list of must do's:

• Buy my dream home, a house at the beach with alot of character, comfort and a very wide deck to sit and entertain on, an acre section and lots of fruit trees
• buy a house for each of my siblings and my mother, or at least give them a deposit for one
• buy a house for my daughter
  
• Travel - Borabora sea chalets, drive across the US in a classic car and Asia backpacking
  
• build my business with some serious product development
• Smile and give thanks

Change it

A heat that blazes through your bones, that opens the pores and allows the sweat to run freely. A hazy honey coloured landscape, scorched earth, nodding grasses and rolling hills, olive trees, linen shirts and sandals. Thats what I imagine Italy to be like. Its the Italy in my dreams and some of the pictures I have seen. I don't know anything about Italy in winter, because in my dreams winter does not exist.

I have never been to Italy, I live in New Zealand. It is the middle of winter :) I am cooking up fantasies to help me escape from the bitter rain and wind outside my front door. I woke this morning and played Italian opera on my stereo very loudly, the marriage of Figaro, Carmen, lovely. I went and bought focaccia bread, I drove 8 km to get it. Its the best focaccia I have ever tasted, made with oil, sea salt and basil, I actually believe its the best in NZ.

I am loving this day.
I have avocados, tomatoes and feta to accompany my beautiful bread. I have created summer in my day. So today is summer in my house. I am creating a day of passions, creating, eating, singing, smiling.

If I don't like my life I need to change it.

I handed in my notice on my job this week. I have 4 weeks left, I am lighter and happier already. If I am unhappy, I can change it.....simple, so simple.

I am in love with my day :)

H2

chicken and corn pie

So I make a dinner that comforts me. I bake a chicken and corn pie. Its delicious, it makes me feel better. I go to bed early and I wake around 7am. I feel better.
I keep warm all day, no draughts, heater on in the car, stockings, jersey, no bone chilling winds allowed in.
I worked my way through my list of clients, visited a couple and made quite a few phone calls.
I left work and drove over to the printers, I realise as I type that part about the printers that I love that work. I realise social work is not for me. I realise my mind immediately engages with anything creative. Thank god for writing thoughts that bring clarity.
I did not hand in my notice but I will, because my life should revolve around the creative industry.
I feel my heart lighten when I am working in the arts. I put a small exhibition together at the national museum over the weekend. It bought me alot of joy to see that through and with lighting and graphics it looked great.
Voila, my life, no strain when I am passionate.

TIme to turn on the electric blanket, mist swirls outside and I have relented and let the animals in.....too soft :)

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unwellness

I have worked solidly for the last three days. On Friday I rose at 5.30am to take the first flight out of the city to Wellington. I worked all day and spent a restless night in a hotel. I rose at 6am to get to work at 6.45am and worked all day again. Last night I stayed at my sisters house and had another restless night because I had to share with a niece that tossed and turned all night. She woke me at 6am to watch tv and generally keep her company.
Today I flew home and I feel my throat is tender and scatchy. I feel unwellness approaching. I am tired and I have a headache. I have just had a bath and will go to bed early tonight.
I have been without medication for a couple of days and I'm sure this adds to my general feeling of lightheadedness. My mood is grey and weak. I do no feel robust or strong. I feel softened at all edges, listless and distracted.
When I am unwell I feel alone. When I am well I do not feel that aloneness....I just move on to something to distract from my natural state of being. Once I am stopped by illness or incapacitation I am not good to be around.
Tomorrow I am considering handing in my notice on one of my jobs. Its a social services job, hard work with little reward. I am tired of it, I am tired of the emotional drain. I don't think I can go on doing that job, its too much.
I need to sleep and dream away my worries, reprieve from my thoughts and unwellness.
Good night

h2

Sex in my city

I just went to the movies with my daughter to see Sex in the City. I loved it. It was exactly what I expected - women in their 40s, fashion , drama and high heels. I shed a tear when Big got clouted by Carrie and her flowers. I felt for them both.

I must say..... I hated her red lipstick with that Vivienne Westwood dress, I much preferred the muted pink of her Vogue shoot to the 'Ive been eating red crayon' look she opted for. Yes, I know it was about the 'Vivienne' look, but really, over 40 we're allowed to move past the trademarks.

The movie was 2.5 hours long, I could have stayed another 2, except my arse was numb.

I love clothes, I love vintage, I love 50s inspired anything. I can't wear high heels. Too many twisted ankles from a lifetime of sporting injuries and a little too much padding means I am taking my life into my hands on anything above a 1 inch heel. Its hard to look classy in flats..:) Just on Sunday I decided to borrow a pair of low heel mules from my sister to go to the mall, just to see if I could handle them. I stepped out of the car and twisted my ankle. LOL.

Carrie Bradshaw I am not, but I do have a carefree attitude and alot of sass.

Yeah, I loved it, I wanted to be Carrie, but I'll settle for me and my outrageous handbags.

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Senior

I applied for a job around 3 weeks ago. It was for a national administrator, big company, big money in an area that I have an interest in, in a 6 degrees of seperation way...

Anywho, I had the agency interview and it went well, I was definitely through to the next round and they checked one of my two work referees. Great, its going good.

Within two days I had my phone interview with the Manager (if I got the job he would be my boss). The interview went really well, I got off the phone and felt 100% certain it was mine. My intuition was on high beam. I have this feeling only every so often, its like an electric current and I am usually dead on the money:)

He said he would get back to me Tuesday, as Monday was a public holiday. When there was no news on Tuesday I knew I had lost the job. It took another week to find that out. Something happened over the weekend for him to change his mind. But I'm not really worried about that. Its just not meant to be. Two things from this surprised me.
Number 1, that I was wrong (shock, horror :) only because my gut told me YES. And Number 2 they went for a junior, as opposed to the senior position I applied for. Number 2 surprises me because I have forgotten I am senior..........eeeeeeeeek. I am not young, fresh, enthusiatic and unknowing.....I am mature, calm, determined and knowing :) Yes, that is me. I have crossed over without knowing. I have become a senior member of staff.

I'm pulling out the big guns, there is no more time to muck around. Senior it is then, it is done.

H2

curved

I like to look back every couple of posts and see where I was at, if I've moved, are things better and generally the answer is yes.

When I am in the thick of something heinous I need to remember that all of it is just temporary. There is no feeling or situation that is permanent. How fast I move on from that feeling or situation depends entirely on me.

I was gutted for a couple of hours yesterday when I made it to the final round of interviews and didn't get the job. Today, this morning, its another day. I am moving on from that situation and already looking to the next door.

Doors are everywhere. I just need to look around me.

I'm going to get dressed now, because I'm going to a funeral. A friends husband passed away from cancer. I knew it would not be long before his passing and mercifully it was only two weeks with pain before his body shut down. He has moved on to his next journey, today is only for the living to remember and celebrate his life. Haere atu ra Mr T.

Peace and happy travels

H2

Friday's noise

Mark Lizotte aka Diesel, you go boi :)

All Aboard

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the 1oooth person to read my blog. I have no idea who you are, but I hope your visit was pleasant.

Imagine that this blog is my house. 1000 people have walked through it, some of the rooms hold my most private thoughts. Thoughts that none of my friends or family might know about. In real life I am not 'talkative', people would classify me as 'takes a long time to get to know'. I have guards on the towers at all times. No one enters my castle without my say so.

I might be too afraid to show people my inner self because they might not like what they see. The mind is a tripper isn't it? I take life far too personally and its all about me. But even in my blog there are rooms that are locked. I started this blog for the freedom to write and say what I wanted. But still, I find myself censoring and deleting. As regular readers starting writing comments I became more aware of what I was writing. I closed a door, locked it and moved along the corridor to a more public room......killing the whole point of it really. Taking it too personal, my privacy becomes my public.

I have no ties. .....except the ones that bind my mind.....the most important ties of all. The subjugation of my mind was once number 98 on my list of 100, this is now lurking at around number 3....and approaching with steel engine determination. I have no illusions about what I will be able to achieve in this task. But the silencing of some very damaging voices would be a huge victory:)

I've got my ticket in my hand and I'm waiting on the platform. I can hear that engine approaching but its not quite in view. My palms are sweating, because I know I can be a captive or a driver of that train. The choice is mine, its all up to me.

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Amy's Whinehouse

I'm really sorry if you thought this blog was about Amy Winehouse. She just happens to be playing on my ipod, her remake of 'Valerie'. Amy Winehouse has an amazing voice - syrup. Smoky syrup.

I love her voice but I hate her addiction. To have your 'shit' played out so publicly is embarassing. Personally, I'm a believer of the anorexics, drug addicts, alcoholics, any holics actually, are just people that have 'shit' that hasn't been dealt with. Its one thing to slink through society with your monkey firmly strapped to your back, but to be famous and doing it....... You may as well strap a siren, webcam and a megaphone to yourself. There is no mercy.

Amy, com on girl, you can do it! You're already doing it (albeit wonkerly), even with a skin full of happy powder you're amazing, imagine what could be? Subjugate your mind and move on.....

I have my holics....my own personal monkeys. This is also a cheering squad for myself. Mine rolls out at least once a day like a mini circus to cheer me on, to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.

Oh to have a quiet mind:)

Weekend approaching, the kettle is on. Siezing the dawn

H2

Bejewelled

I'm obsessesed by this bloody stupid game. I can't seem to say NO.
I play it to escape from thinking. I am obssessssssssssed.

H E L P send hypnotherapist.......quick.

I'm melting.....

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Incoming

I am in a deadlock with the person I work with, I am silent, I am no longer communicating with the selfish son-of-a-bitch. I have violent daydreams of causing him injury. Its not nice.

Being ripped off is not nice. feeling ashamed that I am working with someone so self-centred and greedy is worse. I've felt really ill these last few days. I have cut communications. Greed is a fucking unattractive trait, it makes me recoil.....truly. I am ashamed of him.

That was on Thursday, on Friday I travelled north and was supposed to meet with his workers to plan the year ahead. I cancelled the meeting and went and stayed the night with friends. We had a smoke and read cards. There was a slightly, very slightly wierd feel to the evening. But I can not be sure I heard what I heard because I was stoned. Did she hit on me? Well, we're never gonna know because moi is not asking THAT question. It can stay on the backburner for all eternity. I went to bed as soon as I sensed wierdness approaching....yes, I was alone.

Saturday I had an all day meeting and suffered a mauling at the hands of my clients. It was rough, really rough. I left the meeting at 6pm, limping. I felt bloodied and torn. People can be vicious. Even if it is verbal, the wounds definitely feel like they are bleeding. I left in the night to travel by bus to another friends place. Two hours on a bus with my MP3 on full blare managed to keep some of the crap out of my mind. I escaped from the negativity that was clinging to my shoes like tar. I felt ill again. Twice in three days is not good averages.

It was my friends 40th, it was good to see her, but it felt as if she was distracted. I am not sure what is going on for her? Is it because she's turned 40? We didnt get any time alone, either her children or her husband are constantly hovering and because she is so used to being there for them I don't think it ever occured to her to say ENOUGH, I am going out for the day with my friend. I personally think she would have felt better if she had. But I think she's so distracted that she couldn't comprehend such a thought. So interesting to observe, just because I live a life that is completely about ME.

I left there this afternoon and flew home. I felt relieved to walk back through the door to my cat and dog. I realise that I enjoy my life, my home and my time to myself. I took a bath, cooked my dinner, visited a friend, cleared my emails, watched a DVD and I write this before I go to sleep. In this moment in time its perfect.

Eventually (tomorrow) I need to deal with all the other messiness I have in my life, but not tonight.

Po marie

h2

Ground control to Major Tom, turn out the lights when you've finished, cheers

I've just been away for the weekend. It was stunning. I walked along beaches, fossicked for stones, gathered palm pods, sat in a bathtub in the moonlight, relaxed with a stone massage, got stoned, drank a couple of beers, laughed, ate and enjoyed my sisters company.
I drove for 4 hours to see her. It was worth it, she lives in a remote area where few people live and even fewer visit. When I arrived I realised how sore my shoulders were. I have lived too much on my computer this last 6 weeks. I have overstepped the line on how long one should look at a screen and pound on a keyboard. I have an addictive personality. My name is h2 and I am a computerholic.

I have been working two part-time jobs, two contracts and one agent role for a while and its causing my shoulders to seize up.

All of them are shaking down in different ways......ahem......drum roll, here we go.

• part-time job number one has given me a $3 per hour pay rise....given that I am making a little more than minimum wage, its not surprising.....but its nice, but it won't stop me from leaving :) Thank you
  
• part-time job two remains static
• contract number one is near completion and will be installed within 4 weeks, all the drama-queens are booked, marketing is complete and we are just waiting for camera, lights and action
• contract number one has led to a potential contract number 3, but we are going to play a much harder ballgame next time. No more back scratching.
  
• contract two is a bloody political minefield, they are getting the f&^*king bargain of the year with this one. So much work and two-stepping that I feel like a tap dancer on polished tiles (that means I am dancing double-time). Too many egos and not enough kitchen hands. Beautiful. I went away for the weekend because this weekend coming up I am at a meeting that will increase my grey hair content. I am dreading it. The vision is there but so many people are frightened of change. Its like walking into the Colosseum (that's very dramatic, I know, but there will be lions, and tigers, and bears, oh my)
  
• The agent role has reached an interesting impasse. We are locked over percentages. What is my Value, what is my Worth? I have a bottom line and I'm not budging. I've worked through issues that were beyond the call of duty, drawn up a vision that didn't exist before, given 110%. I feel sick. The question is and will always be - do you know my worth? Well its taken 5 days to get a reply, so I guess that question is causing alot of problems in someones mind?

I'm going to bed early, I'm tired of the mind-crap.

Thanks for the weekend, it was fab. Oh to live so lightly.....nah, forget it, I would get bored without my computer. Unplugging now.

H2

WTF is wrong with my family?

Take your pick. I don't talk too much about my siblings or my parents because I find they occupy too much space in my mind already and putting it on paper will just ulcerate the situation.....out damn spot.

Yesterday was Mothers Day. No I did not ring my mother, because I didn't want to. I have 5 sisters (yes, 5) who are capable of filling any gap I might create. My lack of a phone call was more about doing what "I" wanted and mothering myself, rather than what I 'should' do for my own mother. I have given alot in my lifetime to both of my parents. I have played a dutiful daughter to a passive aggressive mother that can not be placated or made happy.

From a very early age (4) I have felt shunned and rejected by my Mother. She is a person that prefers inference to actually being direct. Its much more confusing to the recipient if they are never sure of what they have done wrong, when, how or where. And then there is the 'silence' when some unspoken 'wrong' occurs. Its a very difficult tightrope to walk at the best of times and in adulthood its become a razorblade.

I have withdrawn my services in the last year because the well is dry. No matter how much drilling goes on, there is no oil. Never able to do anything right and always feeling eternally wrong, I feel I needed a break from that treadmill and stepped off.

But over the years I have persisted in my quest for acceptance and recognition. I have held my tongue on many occasions when I have felt acid drip from hers. But don't get me wrong, I have continued some of the pattern handed down. I too can wield a scythe of words. Well taught and well learned. Bravo H2.

And for the most part I win. Most days I can get through without resorting to type and buying in to someone else's upbringing, someone else's problems, someone else's issues.

I just want quiet and peace. I want no more guilt for a mother that I don't treasure, but I do love, because it wasn't all horror.

When I hear my sisters complain or hear their lack of attention I do wonder. I spent most of my life looking after my parents needs. My sisters were barely there and its fascinating that they feel so overburdened when they are required to spend more than a day with her.....

Prior to this past year my mother lived with me for 2 years. And my parents lived next door to me for 5 years. I suppose we all have our limits? Some of us can hold our breath for long periods of time and some of us can stay under for mere seconds.

We'll leave the mole patrol for another post. I am part of the mole patrol, we are an interesting lot. It would make a great movie...true blue.

H2

Stop all the clocks

Its been three weeks since I last posted. I am not depressed but I am overworked.
I have been up most nights till 1am for the last 2.5 weeks. It only stopped being lemming chaos on Friday night.
I have taken the last few days off. I'm exhausted.
I have two part-time jobs, two contracts and one artist to manage.
Am I unhappy? No, again, just overworked.
No time to post when I have no time to ponder.
Still here, still breathing :)

H2

Relinquish

Unfurl yourself from my heart, unembrace me gently.
I did not know you lived so ferociously within me
Hibernating, like a shadow on my soul
Shall we relinquish each other?
My guilt for your freedom

I grant you

The little bird flies

She left yesterday and no one cried. But I did feel immensely for her boyfriend, because he's unsure she will ever come back. But I know my daughter.
She will be back because she doesn't actually like change. I know she left because she needed to make a statement about not becoming complacent and making bold choices, being young and not settling just because its easy.
And I admire her for it. I also know she's a bit of a homebody, likes her creature comforts and loves to be around her family.
So I say, fly little bird, challenge yourself, flap your wings and expand your horizons because home and family will always be here. Have confidence to fly in a circle but make that circle as big and as long as you like.
Fly:)

h2

ps I got the smaller contract, I'm ecstatic, I find out about the big kahuna tomorrow, but I'm ok either way, my plate is full and I am sated.

Stars

I did not see you launch from the Moon, but I am watching your trajection across the night sky, flying past stars and playing with comets :)
Just for you.
Damien Rice - The Blowers Daughter

please hold for a call

This morning I left work and took a phone interview for a project manager from my home phone. I thought I was being interviewed by a panel of 4, turns out to be a panel of 1. Does that work? no, not really. Where is the panel? Under my bed? In a coma? hiding in my closet? ummmmm sorry, they weren't able to make the time you requested.....err ok?

So I answered the questions that were given to me and waited for her to type my response so that she could pass it on to the rest of the panel. It was a very long interview because you can only type so fast when you have a phone tucked under your chin. The interviewer was very pleasant and kept her sense of humour. She explained that the very situation we were in was because they desperately needed a 'project manager'.

I have no idea how they will respond to my answers in typed form. I have no idea if they were typed verbatim, but I was amused. It is what it is, no more and certainly no less. To be honest, they DO need a project manager, if only to get a process manual in place :)

So my immediate interviews are over. I see no other ship on the horizon at the moment. There is no storm in my sea of life. I have an even keel and I'm afloat:)

I took 4 phone calls from my sister this morning, all of which were cut off at vital points in our conversation. A little like this " she said she wants you to....click"
"I need you to.....click" "it said you will receive...click". Her phone is broken....no kidding.
I think her phone also has ESP, because it sure had some humdinger cliffhanger hang ups. I was on speed dial every time I got cut off, dialling over and over and over again until I could reach her. Frantic is a good word. Needless to say, the information transferred in its entirety did not save the world, provide a cure for world disease or deliver peace to humanity. Maybe tomorrow.

Autumn approaches, like steel against bare skin.....

H2

Sayonara Shintaro

The other day I decided to make a hangi (earth oven cooking) dinner for my departing flatmate. A few months back, I placed an ad on an online website and I asked the universe to send me a flatmate that was independant, non-chattering and culturally diverse. Shin showed up, actually he was the only one that showed up :) But he was perfect.
He was quiet, polite, respectful and independant, as well as the all-important, non-chattering.
Yesterday I went and picked up my son-in-law and he helped me dig a hole about 2ft deep, 3 ft wide and together we placed paper first, then kindling, then layered the wood and finally the rocks on top. The point of this first part is to heat the stones which will eventually cook the food.

S and I lit the fire and waited.
When a large fire starts there is always alot of smoke before the burn truly catches...... there was a shitload of billowing, blinding, tear inducing smoke. I had already rung the fire stations to pre-warn them that I was cooking a hangi (which is legal, its a courtesy call to the fire station to let them know what was going on in the neighbourhood) and there were a few neighbours peeping over to see what was going on.....(I told the ones on either side of me, forgot the neighbours at the back ...oops).

So inside I am saying a prayer to the 'gods of smoke' to quit it, cos it's getting to 'white out' stage in my backyard and I can barely breathe, let alone see the fenceline:)
And just when I think I can stand it no more, I see flames leaping through the smoke....aaaahhh thank god. Within 2 minutes the smoke is gone and a fire now burns, popping and crackling in my backyard. S left to go back to his other life that doesn't involve digging a hole for his mother-in-law, and I pull up a chair, get the hose and sit and watch the fire.

Its all burning really well, just the right layers of wood, the fire is small but intense, the stones are turning first black and then white to indicate the stages of heat they are experiencing.
Shin shows up and is immediately transfixed by what is going on. He rushes out and says "oh, fire, you make fire and stone". "oh very hotting, what doing with stone"
I explain the process of making the stones hot to cook the food and he is in a trance. I ask him to watch the fire while I prepare the wire basket of food.

He is thrilled to be given such an important job and promptly takes up 'guard' station at the fireside. I watch from the kitchen window while I wrap everything in muslin and tinfoil before placing in the basket. He attentively moves wood, checks the edges, wanders around its perimeter, sits down for 3 seconds and gets back up to repeat this all over again, very serious job he has :)

My sister arrives to help me put the basket in and cover the food up with soil.
We start to dig out the embers so that there is more room for the basket to sit deep. Shin asks to help so I give him my shovel and instruct him about removing embers only and to move the rocks around. The rocks are volcanic and can withstand great heat, they are not your typical garden variety so they don't shatter or break. Shin jumps into his role again, full of energy and gung-ho.

I take photos on his camera of him shovelling embers. My sister and I lay the covered basket into the hole and then Shin and my sister cover the whole thing with dirt. At this time my dog is trying to get into the mix. She wonders why the humans are digging a hole and placing a huge amount of food in the hole......isn't that her gig???? WTF (in dogspeak).
So in all of the shots I took of them covering up the basket my dog is in there too, wondering WTF is going on.

So after the food is buried it takes 3.5 hours to cook. What do we do till then? Clean up and prep for dinner of course. I washed all the kitchen, bought fresh flowers, set the table, vacuumed, tidied up and looked at the clock, it was now 5.45pm. The hangi would be ready at 6.30pm. I sat down with a cup of tea and put my feet up, I was tired.

At 5.58pm Shin comes thundering the stairs at the running rate and starts yelling "Bairee digging, Bairee digging, Bairee digging"......I look out the window in horror....the fucking dog IS digging.

I run out to the hangi and my run slows to a walk......the sacking covering the food has been dragged 0ut of the ground and across the yard, the hole is exposed, there is a bite out of the stuffing wrapped in tinfoil and a chop is protruding from the earth. I start to hyperventilate.....

Shin is still running around and around the hole yelling "what do, what do, what do". I instruct him to help me remove the dirt and get to towels to help us lift it out without burning ourselves. Inside I am in shock. The problem with food that is cooked underground is, if its not cooked when you bring it up, it doesn't cook very well beyond that state. Its ruined.

We lift it out of the ground and take it to the outside table. with the cover off, alot of the food has been exposed to dirt. I ring my sister and tell her to come over immediately. Because in this situation I can't cope. I will throw the whole lot in the rubbish, string up the dog and shoot myself if I'm part of this chaos for more than 2 minutes. She arrives and tells me to go do something else while she moves into resuscitation mode.

I look at the dog, I want to kill the dog. She hangs her head down and tries to peep at me, I can read her thoughts, something like this "is she looking at me like that? is she looking at me? yep shes looking at me, she looks psychotic, oops, don't catch her eye, run for the hills"
Shin is still panicking and asks if he can do anything for me. I tell him to kill the dog.
He laughs and laughs and says 'Bairee no die". I'm not too sure about that.

My sister, bless her, rescues 80% of the food. She is able to miraculously removed the top layer without disturbing the lower layers. It is mayhem for only half an hour.
By the time Shins two friends show up, they were never aware of what had transpired in the last hour.

It was a fabulous dinner in the end and the dog got the scraps too. Shin had actually said that when he went out early to check the hangi site that Bailey had growled at him. Like it was her food and he should back off :) The backyard is her kingdom after all........

He told me "Bairee digging has given me very special memory of this dinner and our time sharing" and laughed :)

Shin left this morning at 6am, to catch the shuttle to the train. He is on his last journey through the North Island before heading home to Japan in one week. I will miss him. I cried as I waved goodbye. He really was a blessing to have. Thanks for sending him to me.
Sayonara Shin

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Awaits

Drinking tea on a grey morning, overcast with rain from overnight still fresh on the grass. I am cooking an earth-oven dinner for Shin's last meal. He departs tomorrow.
Just before that madness starts, I am off to the Church garage sales, 3 on this morning....yippee...treasures await.

Leaving

my daughter departs for Brisbane next Saturday. She has her father and grandmother there so its not so worrying (not that he has been a great father....but thats another story). I'm feeling excited for her. I remember going to Australia myself when I was 18, trying to take on Sydney when actually I only ever roamed around the North Beach because I couldn't comprehend that I was in another country, I was scared :) I did venture out into wider Sydney now and then, but not that often, it was all toooo big.
But daughter has visited on and off over the years to visit her father so its not unfamiliar territory to her. If she comes back in 3 months her salon said she still has a job. Fly free little bird :)

I went for a job interview on Monday at a place a used to work. The money is outrageous. If I should be offered the job it means I will be leaving too.....we're all leaving. Leaving points in our lives never to return to that same situation again, ever. Each of us does this every day, mostly unconsciously, without a thought or hesistation. Every day and every moment is new. I don't mind leaving, its the newness that freaks me :) The interview went good, but is good enough? I don't know and I have two lovely weeks to find out.....

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Father

I received an email from my client today after I questioned the meaning of a particular image in his artwork. This is his response:
Its a piece that celebrates my fathers life, he could tickle trout and other fish and then catch them, that food was gold to our family in those times of hardship, but it was his buzz too, the thing that he loved, a real hunter-gatherer. My prosperity has come from my parents and grandparents sacrifices, thus the goldfish, or koi carp as a symbol.
Then later this evening I watched "The Iceman and the Psychiatrist", a documentary filmed in prison detailing the life of Richard Kuklinski. As a child he was beaten by his father, suffered extreme violence at his fathers hands and in response became a monster of enormous cruelty himself. A cold killer who had a trigger temper and could chop up bodies with little thought or consideration of the act. He also killed some of his victims in horrifying ways, all with mind numbing detachment. I don't need to detail any of that, if you're interested, google him.
It was interesting to listen to the psychiatrists comments to Kuklinski, interesting and scary. I compared the first and second occurences of two men speaking of their fathers in the course of my day, the first is the artist and the second is the killer. This lead me to ponder my own relationship with my father. I adored my father, but he had a misogynist mindset, to the point that I have felt that being a girl was not acceptable. Of course this leads to all sorts of manifestations. In the present day it means that I am capable of most DIY jobs, can handle power tools and understand machining and construction concepts fairly easily. I compete with men in the workplace; won't back down (as if I am finally teaching my father a lesson) and have been attracted to men that treat me poorly.
As I thought through the two examples presented to me today, I let a few tears drop at the memory of trying to please a father that couldn't be pleased (but I adored him anyway) and realise that I just want to be with a man that is sweet and adores me, warts and all. But will I be able to accept that man? Will I have enough wisdom to see with clarity when I start to sabotage my next relationship? I hope so, I'm really tired of my self-constructed carosel.
I was really touched by the artists description, so personal and vulnerable, I adore that quality. I want that quality in my husband and I want to encourage that aspect of him instead of reverting to type and scorning a characteristic that I so badly need in my life.
This might sound soft and way too syrupy, but I have lived a life that is far too hard and far too harsh. I need to yeild and drop my weapons.
peace and sleep.

h2

Honesty

Its a very subjective word, one that is defined by our life experience and can only be interpreted by the individual....

Scenario: Personal ad, male, HONESTY, a must (his words not mine)

Actuality: on his terms, when he feels like it = wanker

Said he must have honesty, must, reiterated this when we spoke on the phone.
I have to laugh at my gullibility sometimes. I have been communicating with a male in another city, was supposed to go and see him over Easter, but he had an emotional freak out and cancelled. Said he wasn't in a position to meet as he was going through a tough time. Has since emailed and said I sound amazing (amazingly stoopid)and that he still hopes we can meet soon......yeah right. I logged in to the dating website and he's online :) Doh.

If you want a fuck with no ties, just say so, be honest :) Its quite easy.
There's about 4 guys down my street that will do the duty for me, you don't have to go far to find these partners :)Geezus Mary and Josepha, tell me MY truth more like it. Grow up fucker.

ahhhh thats better

H2

Weathered

I am affected by the weather. I just realised that when I looked out at the overcast morning. I felt less buoyant. I think I need sun 20/7, not all the time, but a large part of the time.
Over the weekend my sister and I talked about the small things we've noticed as we age. While our minds might become more open, they also get more forgetful. I am often walking around the house asking myself where I put my - phone, keys, lipstick, lettuce, rings, wallet, finger, brain, toes, etc and so forth. Simple things that can drive a person insane.
Hair is another thing. We have noticed hair in places it was not before. I have a single hair that insists on growing out of my neck. Very sexy. Most times it has grown about two inches before I even notice its back. Its opaque, sneaky and defiant. I have asked myself time and again when I have looked in the mirror and spotted it, what is this? Humility for the Women in their 40s 101? My pubes are also back in full force or is that new force? I don't remember sprinkling Ready Grow on them, but there they are, multiplying and germinating. Of course this applies to all hair. The hair on my head is thick, out of control and wild too :)I will never go bald.
I am finally getting to a place where I can look in the mirror and say ok, you look good and a whole new set of rules kick in :) I hope I maintain my sense of humour, because thats the only way to tackle this new path. Laughter and the ability to see the craziness of my actions and reactions.
Well, after a tizzy fit or two.

H2

lavender

This weekend was a 4 day holiday weekend in New Zealand to celebrate Easter. If your not Christian too bad :) We're celebrating that nailing up and resurrection sequence, got it?
I drove over to the West Coast (number 5 on the Lonely Planet places to visit in the world.....yep) to visit my sister and spend a couple of days in remote bushland. I can handle being a hippie for short stretches of time. I turn off my cellphone (becuase there is no reception anyway), barely watch tv, no radio (no reception again) and eat food mostly grown in the area. I dress a lot less consciously and I read alot when I am there. I change gears mentally and spiritually, stress less and quieten down. Its good for me.
I drove over on Friday, it was a public holiday and all the shops were closed so I made it there in 3.5 hours. The roads were busy and I spent alot of time looking at the scenery waiting for a passing lane to come into view. I have a Nissan Cefiro and it can gun it pretty fast :) I could be a boyracer if I wasn't already a 41 y old female.
My stereo was bust, so that was the only bummer of the trip. I want to drive across the US one day. I've already travelled from Alburquque to Mexico via Texas on Route 66 and loved it. I will have to have a cool car and a really good stereo when I make that trip, no halves thanks.
Anyway, my sister lives in a rural area, surrounded by native bush, not alot of telecommunications, no coverage, limited tv and some of the most beautiful landscape in New Zealand. We went to "town" on Saturday, like any small town, one street of shops and no mall. There was a market with alot of crap :) I resisted. We headed back to her place at lunchtime and decided to cut some lavender shake before the rain started.
Lavender shake is the remnants of the lavender season. The last stalks that still have lavender buds but not enough to get a run of oil from.
The hill is covered with lavender and bees bob from one plant to the next. I sat down amongst the plants and cut the tops of an entire row. Very slow, contemplative work. It was warm but overcast, with just the sound of bees, clippers and cicadas. A sea of purple mist. Its back breaking work but really meditative.
I trimmed the tops off enough plants to make a pillowcase of lavender. Of course this would be too much for one pillow and instead of relaxing you it would probably make you puke, so I'm making it in to smaller satchets for friends to insert in their pillows.
This morning I am back from my wee trip and I've spent the morning stripping and removing the stalks, sitting the seeds in the sun to dry before I make the pillows tomorrow.
Plants and planting have a healing place in my life. I like the quietness of planting, just me and the dirt. I like to see things grow. I like to see what happens when things are tendered to, just like humans.
carpe diem

h2

Easter buns

This morning I'm up early making Hot Cross buns for the literacy class I assist with. While I wait for the local supermarket to open at 7am I thought I would spend my time writing a quick blog. Autumn is approaching at a rapid rate, its 6.43am and the sun is still not up....sad. I love summer. I'll miss the sneaking burn of the sunrise, cicadas and the afternoon heat that quietens everyone.
I'm baking buns for the class because I like them. I like their honesty. I like that their not concerned about fashion and weight, Paris Hilton or the type of car they drive. I like their conversations and I like to see them responding to the teacher.
Many of the women have come from difficult backgrounds and have limited capabilities in reading. But for the most part they are your average member of society.
I have worked in new fields for the last 7 months, mainly because I couldn't cope with the passing of my friend. I felt compelled to leave society (or at least the one I was inhabiting) to experience different lives, different ways of being, different ways of thinking.
I read my business case again and still can't believe it was written at such a traumatic point in my life. I'm amazed that its coherant and solid. Its still solid. I think I expected to pick up a psychotic rambling - no wait, thats my blog :) I still have that dream to completely fulfill that plan. I still believe in that goal. I hope to fulfill it this year.
But in the meantime the wheel of fortune has moved again. I have been offered a contract and a job interview in another city, as well as being shortlisted for another position. All of them are contract work. YAY.
My daughter has just told me that she is moving to Australia in May, she's going to give it a go. She's moving to Brisbane where her father lives. She has cousins and friends there. I'm not fretting, but I will miss her. Now I am literally free. Oh no, no more sheild.......:)
Lets see what rabbit I can pull out of the hat now.

h2

Arse draggin

Bet that title made you read my blog.......:P
Sorry, there are no derriers, arses, asses, bottoms or booties in this post. Draggin my arse refers to my reluctance to complete a proposal for my old work place. I actually completed a couple at the end of last year and had no reply. I got a call about two weeks ago from my old boss explaining first, how sorry he was that he never contacted me about my last proposal but found that when he shared it with others they commented that it might be a conflict of interest.....did he tell me this? No. I am trying my damndest to stick with the facts and not get all septic and sarcastic about that dumb fuck (oops, slipping).
I work with one artist and that fact that I would never cross paths with him in the work I proposed doesn't seem to be understood by my ex-boss, I suppose thats why he is my ex-boss.
So then he says while he is sorry that he hasn't been able to offer me any work related to my proposal (but someone else is) would I mind writing up an event at the national museum and he will most definitely contract me to project manage that event.......errr right.
I'm draggin my arse over this because I'm not sure that I want to work with him again, that he will keep his word and that he won't take my idea and get someone else to fulfill it.....
But I could seriously take a cash injection.
The dilemma of the less well off......dangle a carrot in front of the hungry and shit happens, any shit, just ask. Although I'm being a little dramatic (okokok, for shitsakes, alot) I am not well off at the moment. I have quite a nice stack of papers on my dining room table that just won't fuck off blah, blah, blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I'm out at sea in that rowboat again, I look around and can't see a goddam thing :)
Shit, I think I'll have a beer, crank up the music, sit in the sun and think about my toenails.

H2

speaking english

I think I speak english, I think I do. But its all about a cluster of words, tone and emphasis. I text messaged someone a message today, which I thought was pretty straight forward, put in a :P symbol to indicate my cheekiness and voila, the person thinks I am angry. Basically without a tone its hard to hear, as opposed to what we 'think' or 'feel' we hear.
Often I will insert a tone in my mind and before I know it I've donned a flak jacket and headed out to war. I've done it myself, misread the tone in an email and snapped back before I've given the person the opportunity to clarify. So what I'm saying is, our own emotional crap can play a large part in how we read or percieve a conversation. This can be true in text, email and to a lesser degree face to face. At the moment I think my communications skills are low, around 45% of what or how I say things is understood. I have had 3 misunderstandings in the last two days. Time to withdraw and examine the landscape.
I'l also on homeopathic remedies so I'm feeling emo.
Be cool honey bunny, be cool.

The arrival of Mother

The Mother of my boarder arrived yesterday. She looks around 40 but is actually 57. She is small and quiet, speaks very little English and has never been out of Japan before. Shin and his Mother are heading out on their 4 day adventure today around the South Island today.

Mother bought me a Kimono. It is beautiful. A metallic taupe with black threaded silk. I am in love with it. I have a present for her also, but I will only hand it over when she leaves, its pounamu or New Zealand Jade. We believe it carries the spirit and memories of everyone that wears it. So our exchange will only be complete on her departure, as it should be.

I don't want to clog up this post with any other references but she is a very dignified woman.

Enough said.

h2

Mumu

"Each culture has its sacred cows.....to ignore them is to presume omnipotence. This is the Alpha and the Omega syndrome"
Recently, Jahnke has been inspired by a number of international artists including Joseph Kosuth, the American conceptual artist, and Damien Hirst.
Like them, he says, 'My current practice is an attempt to entice the viewer to negotiate and experience space. In Back to Front, Mua ki Muri, the Hawaiian installation of 1999, I employed a number of devices to engage the viewer, including a line of genealogical text that established a connection between Maori and Kanaka Maoli (indigenous people) of Hawaii through Tupaia (the Tahitian Chief who accompanied Cook on the 1769 voyage) of the Society Islands.
At a distance the line of text seemed just a visual line.

Taiaawhio II, Huhana Smith, Te Papa Press 2007
Phew, that was a doozey. I don't know 5 people.....err yeah, ok.

Sleep time.

H2

Meme

I don't know what a meme is Sarah, but yeah I'll do it later tonight....
I have my roomies mother arriving from Japan tomorrow to stay a few days with her son.....err did I say running on empty, fumes people, fumes.

I'm heading to work, will be back to scrub house and meme tonight.

h2

De Partee

Well the dust has settled on the dancefloor, final rounds were at midnight and Cinderella slipped out to her carriage at around 1.30am
I've marked the occasion and I'm shagged.

This last weekend has been a riot of people arriving,people eating, people drinking and seedy people leaving. We(my family and I) had around 200 people arrive for the joint 21st party for my daughter and my niece. They were born one day apart and have always been joined at the hip. They are more like sisters, to the point they disagree on many things and just generally give each other grief and love in equal amounts.

Our first family members started arriving on Thursday night. I've driven around 300km this weekend in Airport trips alone. My family is not small, I have 5 sisters and one brother, plus partners, together we have around 21 kids. Only half of the nieces and nephews came because it was just too expensive.

So Saturday morning and afternoon is a mixture of making decorations, cooking food, airport trips and prepping the local club where it was held. We managed to set up in one hour flat before heading home to share two showers with 23 people......

My daughter had spent the morning being exfoliated, massaged and preened before having her nails acrylicised. The afternoon was spent shopping with her father for a new cellphone and shoes. Its hard being a princess :)

I arrived home from setting up at around 5.30pm, one hour to get ready before we were to be back at the club...hmmmm.....blood pressure increasing by one point per minute. I'm one of those freaks that is addicted to straightening my hair....I have a mane.....this is not a 12 minute job. Why didn't I do it earlier? Because I bloody well didnt, thats why. So I dive, literally, into the shower, scrubb like I'm in Silkwood and slither into my clothes so quickly that patches of my skin are still wet and clinging to my clothes....I tell myself, be calm honey-bunny, breathe, you are not competing in the Olympics, breathe. I drive over to my sisters house so someone with calm hands and 360 degree vision can do my hair. No one is at the club at this point, its 6.40pm, invites say 7pm start, its a ten minute drive, at least...
My sister (the mother of the daughter who is sharing the 21st) walks in wearing shorts, a tee-shirt and sandshoes, looking like she's been for a run. WTF???? I ask if shes ok? why isnt she in the shower? where are her clothes? Errrr she needed to pack the car with stuff? NOTE* Women in my family are control freaks, we do not delegate, we do not collaborate, only we know how to do things "right", because there are alot of "wrongs" out there. Luckily this illness in me has decreased to the point that I no longer worry about the cut of the sandwiches, the fold of the fucking napkin or the tie of the ribbon, but thats me.

So I leave because I immmediately realise that no one will be there to greet anyone, anywhere. My hair is half done, the underside is straight, the top remains bouffant. Its a new style, never seen before, trust me it'll be all the craze shortly.

I arrive at 7.02pm, people are milling around, the kitchen is in chaos which means we have alot of food to prep and my two friends are trying to make sense of our family system.

Its ok, within 30 minutes everything is back on track. The guests arrive and seat themselves, the music starts and away we go. The club is full to capacity and the smokers sit outside enjoying the rain (yes, its raining) and everyone is happy. I'm walking the floor like a prison guard, asking if people are ok, need anything, happy? ecstatic, cool, need a drink? why not. Am I calm? no, Stressed? just a little (mountain).

We have the speeches at 9pm, my daughters father gives a very good speech (do I sound surprised? I am...very) and my brother-in-law makes his daughter cry by being sentimental and loving, let me hear a collective awwwwww, it was spesh. I did my three minute speal and there were no 'Office' moments. I'm used to public speaking (surprisingly)and I don't flinch, sweat or lose my words. We hand over to the grandmothers to say a few words and this is where I should have picked up the tranquiliser gun. Ole nana can't get off the mic, she loves being in the spotlight and damn she loves the volume on this thing. She loves it so much she's adopted a fake british accent like our girl Britney. WTF? 3 minutes turns into 6, which becomes 9 and finally 12. People are getting restless and scrapping charis because a)its boring, b)no one knows what the hell shes talking about and c)can you get her the hell off? My own mother, when she managed to grab the mic off the Talkalitis Nana kept it to 2 minutes flat, one minute for each birthday girl. Ma, you rocked it like it should be.
The girls blew out their candles on a chocolate gateau and everyone ate a mountain of food, powered through 2k worth of free alcohol and rolled away into the darkness (in cabs) at midnight.
I helped clean up and a couple of us went to a friends hotel (gay male, no action)room to talk and have a few drinks. I ended up crashing out on his bed because I'd been up since 4am the day before and I was well and truly munted.
I drove home at 5.30am and rolled around in my own bed until 7am until I couldn't stand it anymore and finally got up.

I drove to my sisters house to find her wide wake like myself.....overtired and running on empty. Sisters of a feather, control together.

We had breakfast, silently agreed that we were glad it was over, gave each other a hug and debreifed on the events of the night before.

By the time our tea was finished everyone was awake and it was time to take the first lot of people to the airport for departure. Robotics kicked in and we put our tired faces away, put on our chipper faces and rolled.

I got home from my last trip to the aiport at 10pm, went to bed and played possum until 6am this morning.

Its over, it was great and its done
Carpe Diem

H2

Indifference

I'm feeling indifferent to many things today, my client, my faux beau, my work and my blog. Let them eat cake or listen to music.....

Dancing

I'm trying to break the barrier to my hundredth post. But of course writing about that is wasting writing space and sort of cheating.

The last week has been ......like entering the twilight zone, which seems to frequent my house on a regular basis. I enter my home and my whole perspective of the world can be adjusted within hours. I think too much. I navel gaze on a daily basis. My interior world is like a city with a million people.

Some days I feel like I have multiple personalities, I feel bi-polar. Maybe I am? I woke this morning to a tiny problem, but spent 20 minutes crying......yep, crying. Then I talk to a friend and manage to pull myself together.

Well, enough to head out to Bootcamp and teach a class of kids that are heading off the rails how to manage their money.....I think they could have done with a anger management class, self-respect class and communication class, hopefully someone else is looking after those human qualities....hopefully.

I slept from 6pm to 8pm, because I felt drained. I needed to sleep away some of the blues.

If I had a friend behaving like myself I would drag them into my car and take them to the beach and throw them in the water. Did I do that to myself? No, but I'm going to take a shower, does that count?

Its my daughters 21st birthday tomorrow. Hard to believe that she is 21 and that I gave birth to her all those years ago. I don't feel that much older. I actually gave birth to her at Manly Hospital, Sydney, Australia. Along time ago, when I had plans to travel the world and everything was fresh and new to my eyes. I didn't mean to have a child, it sort of just slipped...hahaha. Anyway, when she was 6 months old we moved back to NZ, I had proved my point that I could cope and give birth away from my family....we lived in clean poverty :) One sofa, a bed, one bedside cabinet and a fridge. Less cleaning thats for sure.

I've come along way since then, bought into the whole material culture, every gadget known to man and some not known to man :) Worked my way up ladders and back down them again. Bought and sold houses, traded on their equity, trading myself out.
Moved into new circles and discovered old circles.

Just a wee giggle at the end, because we gotta laugh.
I went to a party on Saturday night, a birthday party for a gypsy woman. What my friend failed to mention was that clothes were optional.

There was a funny vibe to this party and I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but I knew the greeting hugs were going on for just a smidge too long.
A woman in her 50s sat next to me and asked if I was part of the 'gathering'. When I asked what the gathering was she replied that they were a group of people who were almost tribal, started 20 odd yrs ago and loved each other.....I'm thinking, oh yeah, ok, ummm sure, why not?
But now, thinking back, I think that little old lady wanted to show me some love.
My friend and I were hanging in the music room, the one with the black light and the stereo, nothing else. A woman in her 40s comes in and asks if we mind that she changes the music. No worries. So she changes the music and then she starts doing that free flow dancing, almost kicking my glass out of hand, not missing a beat, leaping across the room, gyrating and becoming one with the floorboards.
I start to laugh, cos I think that shit is funny. Especially when she is missing us by millimetres with her flailing limbs. Some guys come in take their shoes off and I'm thinking, shit, these people take their dancing seriously. Before you know it, the clothes are coming off too and the 'dancer' is being danced in a few ways known only in the bedroom. I take this as my cue to leave, just because I'm a big old prude that isn't down with swinging with strangers :)
I have to cross my legs as I step out of the room cos I'm laughing so hard.
My friend forgot to mention that the party was 'clothing optional' because a) I might not attend b) I might not attend and c) I might not attend.
I did attend and I didn't get my gear off, but I WAS entertained. Thank you free people.

I've danced all over this post so I better publish it, so that other non-humans can make sense of it.

H2

a touch of insomnia

Its 4am and I'm wide awake, even though I was exhausted when I hit the sack last night. Bugger, I hate that.
I wrote the most boring post in the world and deleted it. Better to say less and mean it.

yawn

light

I've read my last few posts and I sound deranged. Where is my happiness and light? Jeez lighten the fuck up waterbaby.
I tend to plunge headlong into human ravines of sadness and wander around in the gloom for weeks. My apologies.
For the other 23 hours of the day that I am not posting a blog I do think alot and I'm also alot lighter.
I do use my blog to purge my darkness. Its a poor relationship, kind of like the freind that only hears the bad stuff about her best friends husband and then wonders why she saw them happy and laughing at the mall. This is a vital sliver of my existence, my door to free thought and expression. My personality doesn't change too much from how I am on here BUT my willingness to share so much in the real world does.
Its ok, there's a light in my closet, its not always dark.

deadwood

There was an incident last weekend that I have not mentioned. It hurt like fuck and I am still digesting it like I'm being spoon fed week-old vomit.

One of my best friends mothers passed over in July 2006. I had known her since I was a young teenager, 14 to be exact and I thought of her as a mentor. She has helped me get my foot into a museum job some 15 yrs ago. Well loved by me.

Anyway, in the months leading up to her passing I supported my friend and as it got closer I spent more time with the family, cooking dinners, shopping for food, preparing meals, cooking dinner for 15 people to take the strain off. I was there.

I let her talk about her pain, her resentment, her grief. I just listened.

I visited her mother often. I never broke down, because I wanted to be brave for someone who was already sick and scared. I believe in assisting people to cross over by creating no stress.

I was a good friend.

When I asked W about her mothers unveiling (a ritual marking the one year since passing, when the headstone is unveiled) I was told that it was family only. I was a little hurt but got over it because I actually thought she meant her father, her brother and her sisters.

I find out in the weekend, that she actually meant family - aunts, uncles, cousins, 2nd cousins, 3rd cousins, 4th, whatever. I think when you cook 300 of anything that means there were alot of people there. In my culture the distinction is very blurred about the definition of 'family'. My daughter calls all my friends 'aunty' because we believe in shared parenting. So when I find that the 'extended' family is invited to this really important ocasion I feel like I have been cut a new rectum.

Fuck me.

So this afternoon when I sat down to write this post, I stopped at fuck me. I actually rang her because the feeling in my stomach overwhelmed me. I rang her and told her to cancel her flights for next month and that no matter how I turned it over and over, her comments still made no sense to me. I told her that I remembered her mother passing, that I had been there, just because of love. To give me a limp arse excuse about 'family' is a contradiction to our relationship. I told her that we're not friends anymore.

So W, I have cut you loose. Like deadwood, I have cut the limb that drains the tree. In truth, you weren't there too much for me anyway. I will not suffer adversely from the lack of your presence. I will try not to miss you.

Goodbye