Father

I received an email from my client today after I questioned the meaning of a particular image in his artwork. This is his response:
Its a piece that celebrates my fathers life, he could tickle trout and other fish and then catch them, that food was gold to our family in those times of hardship, but it was his buzz too, the thing that he loved, a real hunter-gatherer. My prosperity has come from my parents and grandparents sacrifices, thus the goldfish, or koi carp as a symbol.
Then later this evening I watched "The Iceman and the Psychiatrist", a documentary filmed in prison detailing the life of Richard Kuklinski. As a child he was beaten by his father, suffered extreme violence at his fathers hands and in response became a monster of enormous cruelty himself. A cold killer who had a trigger temper and could chop up bodies with little thought or consideration of the act. He also killed some of his victims in horrifying ways, all with mind numbing detachment. I don't need to detail any of that, if you're interested, google him.
It was interesting to listen to the psychiatrists comments to Kuklinski, interesting and scary. I compared the first and second occurences of two men speaking of their fathers in the course of my day, the first is the artist and the second is the killer. This lead me to ponder my own relationship with my father. I adored my father, but he had a misogynist mindset, to the point that I have felt that being a girl was not acceptable. Of course this leads to all sorts of manifestations. In the present day it means that I am capable of most DIY jobs, can handle power tools and understand machining and construction concepts fairly easily. I compete with men in the workplace; won't back down (as if I am finally teaching my father a lesson) and have been attracted to men that treat me poorly.
As I thought through the two examples presented to me today, I let a few tears drop at the memory of trying to please a father that couldn't be pleased (but I adored him anyway) and realise that I just want to be with a man that is sweet and adores me, warts and all. But will I be able to accept that man? Will I have enough wisdom to see with clarity when I start to sabotage my next relationship? I hope so, I'm really tired of my self-constructed carosel.
I was really touched by the artists description, so personal and vulnerable, I adore that quality. I want that quality in my husband and I want to encourage that aspect of him instead of reverting to type and scorning a characteristic that I so badly need in my life.
This might sound soft and way too syrupy, but I have lived a life that is far too hard and far too harsh. I need to yeild and drop my weapons.
peace and sleep.

h2