Incoming

I am in a deadlock with the person I work with, I am silent, I am no longer communicating with the selfish son-of-a-bitch. I have violent daydreams of causing him injury. Its not nice.

Being ripped off is not nice. feeling ashamed that I am working with someone so self-centred and greedy is worse. I've felt really ill these last few days. I have cut communications. Greed is a fucking unattractive trait, it makes me recoil.....truly. I am ashamed of him.

That was on Thursday, on Friday I travelled north and was supposed to meet with his workers to plan the year ahead. I cancelled the meeting and went and stayed the night with friends. We had a smoke and read cards. There was a slightly, very slightly wierd feel to the evening. But I can not be sure I heard what I heard because I was stoned. Did she hit on me? Well, we're never gonna know because moi is not asking THAT question. It can stay on the backburner for all eternity. I went to bed as soon as I sensed wierdness approaching....yes, I was alone.

Saturday I had an all day meeting and suffered a mauling at the hands of my clients. It was rough, really rough. I left the meeting at 6pm, limping. I felt bloodied and torn. People can be vicious. Even if it is verbal, the wounds definitely feel like they are bleeding. I left in the night to travel by bus to another friends place. Two hours on a bus with my MP3 on full blare managed to keep some of the crap out of my mind. I escaped from the negativity that was clinging to my shoes like tar. I felt ill again. Twice in three days is not good averages.

It was my friends 40th, it was good to see her, but it felt as if she was distracted. I am not sure what is going on for her? Is it because she's turned 40? We didnt get any time alone, either her children or her husband are constantly hovering and because she is so used to being there for them I don't think it ever occured to her to say ENOUGH, I am going out for the day with my friend. I personally think she would have felt better if she had. But I think she's so distracted that she couldn't comprehend such a thought. So interesting to observe, just because I live a life that is completely about ME.

I left there this afternoon and flew home. I felt relieved to walk back through the door to my cat and dog. I realise that I enjoy my life, my home and my time to myself. I took a bath, cooked my dinner, visited a friend, cleared my emails, watched a DVD and I write this before I go to sleep. In this moment in time its perfect.

Eventually (tomorrow) I need to deal with all the other messiness I have in my life, but not tonight.

Po marie

h2