Give me your top 3

I've arrived at the doorway to 2008. I'm using this day as a marker for the path I chose over the next 12 months. I have deliberately not worked for the last two weeks, because I'm emotionally tired and I need to recoup my energy. I tend to bury myself in work because I need an outlet for all of my emotions. These last couple of days I've actually unwound, read books (my short attention span usually lays waste to a read from cover to cover), sat for more than an hour, relaxed, watched movies, been walking, eaten what I want, listened to some great music and realised how tightly wound I am....I don't like it when I'm not aware of how I'm feeling....because that means there could be a multitude of things I'm not aware of...omg, that might mean I am not in control??? :)
Control and trust are big issues, but I'm gonna try something new on this year and see how it fits. I'm leaving anything to do with my business until January 4Th when I come back from my 3 days away. I'm going to focus on being present and neither wandering too far back into my memories nor try and 'imagine' too far into the future. That's difficult for me to do, I am hardly ever present...I am constantly trying to preempt situations, people and places so that nothing takes me by surprise. Total control. I don't like surprises, not even good ones like birthday parties, trips away....Is it fear that drives this need to be prepared? Fear of looking and feeling silly, humiliated, shamed, reacting 'wrong'?
My family has been quite shocked by my temper in the last 6 months. I will express anger immediately when I feel pissed off about something. There is nothing wrong with this in itself, I know its about the level of anger I express, which when mixed with grief becomes disproportional and more about something else. My credibility nullified.
So I realise that I need to put my grief in a place by itself, examine and express it. Otherwise whatever I'm feeling has the potential to have a tsunami of emotion behind it, if triggered. Which is really unfair for the person who happens to be standing in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm working on it....
I've also removed the tumour that is my perception of family. We are too co dependant, too involved in each others lives, too overwhelming, too judgemental, too critical, too much. I have stepped back out of the circus ring and become part of the audience rather than part of the show. I no longer look at family as essential and vital to my every day life. Their opinions and thoughts on my life and its direction have been rendered 'optional'. Maybe I will hear what they have to say, maybe I won't? And I no longer assume that they are coming from a good place. Because frankly, sometimes that's just not true. Our lives have been competitive, with large bouts of jealousy, backstabbing and deceit. We are a communal drug for each other, addictive and sometimes unhealthy. I love my family, I just don't want to be shooting up with them on a daily basis.
I've been weaning myself for the last 6 months and I feel better. Less expectation, less need,less interaction, less guilt and less DRAMA.
Top 3 things I have learnt this year:
1) Having faith and understanding the process of death doesn't lessen the pain
2) There is no such thing as an old dog and new tricks when it comes to Family
3) my life can often be a repetition of lessons unlearnt (I'm trying to learn them and move on)
For all you readers out there, give it up, this is an exchange after all....drop me your top 3 for the year. Its an opportunity for a one-off comment fest...be brave. I don't and won't try and become your friend :) Neither will I hunt you down.
Happy New year universe. Bring it on.

H2