Ur not my father:)

I read your emails and within me a flare goes up on the battlements. I feel an urge to fight. I feel a tightness across my chest and my body tenses. All this over an email. I can't figure it out, I walk away from the pc and leave it for an hour. Maybe after some time it will read differently. I read it again, an hour later and still I have a knot in my stomach.

What is the feeling that causes me to feel like WWIII is about to launch? Feeling a lack of consideration, respect for my opinion, feeling dominated, powerless and having little value.

I read it again and still a fire burns inside me. I can't let it drop, I can't walk away and say to myself "forget it". I need answers immediately, I want to talk about it instantly, becuase my ability to be objective about what has been written is now lost to me, like a twig in a flooded river. I want to don my armour, my spear, my sheild and my guns...I want to slog it out on the battlefield, I want to win, I want victory and I want to be heard, I want to be validated.

Where does this stem from?......my parents, but in particular my father. I spent alot of my life trying to get approval from my father. Yes, yes, its cliched and overwritten, overexposed topic, yada, yada. What I'm speaking of is not the source, but my reaction to that feeling, today in the present. How to slay the beast that is as real as smoke?

In times as the ones I have just written about, I feel like a bloodthirsty female spartin...I feel rage, which has an energy like molten lava. I can be dangerous and I can be irrational, verbally abusive and ready to kill. I have blown my lid a couple of times with a client when I have felt this way. Later on I've not been able to rationalise where the behaviour came from in an otherwise (seemingly) reasonable personality. I realise now, that I want to win over my father. I want to smash his dominance and enlighten him to a different way of thinking. I want to hear words that will never be spoken, I want to be thought of with respect and consideration.
Impossible, my father died 11 years ago.

So for all of the men that I have encountered that show me the sides of them that remind me of my father and that I find both attractive and abhorrent. For all the men that I think I can change through love and example (I can't, thats who they are) I apologise, ur not my Father. Treasured dad, be at peace. Treasured daughter, be peaceful.

H2