P*&%ed

I'm drunk, pissed, munted, fucked. I had a few drinks and now I'm eliminated mentally. Maybe it will flow now? Maybe it wont be sooo exact, easy and slippery. I'm listening to Lupe Fiasco and Mathew Santos, "Superstar", I love that song. I wonder how I got to be here and how come karma wants to meet on the battlefield every fucking 5 minutes.
I paid my dues this year, got a KO, took a beating, stumbled and kneeled before the creator. Not low enough you say? My face is to the earth, there is no place lower....
Trying to ponder the lesson, listening carefully, trying to decipher what it is the universe wants me to hear. I'm listening.
If Heaven was a mile away, would I pack up bags and move there....?
Thanks Nas and Mary J Blige. The phone just rang, its hard to be pissed and talk coherently, not cool at all. I think I was understoon, too bad if I wasn't. Lips like rubber bands, feet like sand bags.. what the hell. Better Man by Pearl Jam.
But the vodka flows anyway. Cheers everyone. Today was too hard, sometimes its too hard.

Summertime

Enough of the gloom. The sun is shining, summer approaches on cat feet, slinking slowly into town. The sun rises at 6am now and so do I, I love the mornings. My mind is clear and sharp, I can focus and achieve more in the hours from 5.30am to 9am than for the rest of the day put together. Do I wake grumpy? hardly ever. Sometimes I have a headache, but even then grumpy is not part of my personality at that time of the morning. I save grumpy for later on in the day when my energy is drained.
Mostly I am really happy to be alive and even more so when the sun is shining and the heat slowly rises through the ground.
Summer invokes blackberries, cicadas, lawnmowers, daisies, water and music. I love summer and I love the sun. Today I am having most of these things and the Ocean. I'm heading out to enjoy a day in the sea, collectiong shellfish and just being away, away from home, away from work, away from the hum drum. Yay. Throwing towels, flasks, snacks into a bag and heading out into the sunlight. Enjoy the day, wherever you are.

H20

Little Me

Here is little me, 4 years old, scared( actually petrified) lonely, frightened

and serious. Deadly serious. Lacking joy and spontaneity. I look at this picture and it reminds me that the early years were sad. I remember feeling powerless, defenceless too. As if monsters swirled around me, prodding and pinching me, tripping and scratching me. My demons which resided within, certainly felt as if they resided without as well.

I still feel her presence and all the emotions that typified my childhood every now and then. Today I feel powerless, the grapefruit in my throat is present from these days, I hurt, deeply and mournfully. I am alone in my boat, far out at sea, adrift,with no one around me. This feeling is all too present in my life.

I am the captain of my ship, I am the captain of my ship.

Where shall I sail to in my mind?

Let the waters be peaceful, lapping and gentle. Let there be sunshine, dancing and dazzling on each small wave.

Let me sail to peace.

Where the F*&#k is my mojo

I lost it. I lost my fudking zest for life, my wiring is burned out, I feel like a happy meal without the happy. I'm f*&ked. My bills are skyrocketing, I have no money and I'm seriously considering selling my home. My counselling is knocking me out and I can barely stand to be alive. I'm depressed, I want to go to bed all the time and sleep a million years, or at least till its all over...whats all over? The mayhem, the struggle, the chaos, the pain. I'm so tired. I want certain members of my family out of my life and I want some emotional comfort.
Hollow, thats what it is, hollow. An outward appearance that is normal, but underneath, hollow.
Anyone with spare mojo should send to www.jeezi'mnotfeelingit.com
Thanks in advance, whateva.

h2

From deep in the memory banks comes a whisper...

no one can be trusted

IMU

I miss u horribly, I wish I didnt but I do. I want to fill the void that is u, I think too much about what you're doing, how ur day is, what ur thinking. I get busy and the hours churn passed, but as I stop and take time to have lunch or a cup of tea, I think of you. The heart wants what the heart wants, until it wants no more.

Childhood and the realm of all beasts

I am the product of my childhood, where all my fears and survival tactics were created and shaped, to manifest themselves in the adult I am today.
Some of those fears are in full bloom, my fear of committment, marriage and partnership. My fear that I will turn out like my parents (just knowing this fact will stop me from becoming them, but still I persist with this thought and it lurks in my mental closet, like a giant black spider)

My harshness for others and my judgement of those around me, just as my parents did and probably their parents before them. I have no solution for my sharpness and distain. All I know is that it makes me desperately unhappy and I'm tired of it. If I am sharp then I am met with sharpness from others. No wonder Mr Kind and Right hasn't shown up...:)

I dig into my past and try and find the root of these problems, grab them by the base and pull as hard as I can, trying to make them loosen their grip on me...but maybe that is a large part of the problem. Not owning them and holding them close to me, accepting them as part of me?

My childhood was largely unhappy. If I remember back I recall that I was very quiet. I remember small things that let me know that I lacked any type of confidence. I remember crying for what seemed like the first two weeks of school, the teacher trying to shame me into stopping by making me stand in front of the class while they sat on the mat. It didnt make me stop, I just cried more and more, until he yelled at me to stand in the corner facing the wall. That didnt stop me either, this went on for days until I was finally sent up into the attic to the head teachers office. I dont know what happened up there, but I think something did, I stopped crying thats for sure. I was 5. I dont know what teachers were taught back then, but I do think he was a prick of a teacher. I remember having very few friends, maybe one? I remember eating lunch alone, with a lump in my throat the size of a grapefruit (well it "felt" that size) and not being able to eat my peanut butter sandwiches. To this day I dont enjoy peanut butter sandwiches.

For all of you out there that has a child within that is lonely, afraid or scared. Be gentle and be kind. We are a product of our childhood, but we can overcome :) I'm working my little brain as hard as I can to get to the source and purge it once and for all, so that the beasts can finally become just plain old animals on a farm and no longer stampeding through my dreams gnashing and clawing at me. I let them free.

Love an peace y'all
h20