Will I

.............go back there?

Over it

Arrived to an afternoon of meetings yesterday, all good, no probs. Went and met friends for a few drinks from around 5pm, started good and ended mediocre albeit nearly 9 hours later. I think I'm over certain people and certain places. I couldnt give a rats ass about a few people I encountered last night. I didnt find the humour or the attention stimulating. I felt distracted, like something was missing.
The old me would have found easy laughter, interesting conversation and a willingness to be central in the discussion. Not so anymore. Tired of it and over it.
I've moved somewhere else emotionally, my friends and family no longer hold me. Where to now? Going overseas? Going, just going? Its quite clear that things have changed, not surprising really, too much has happened. Like standing outside a glass house and watching an old life continue. Observing but not feeling connected enough to want to participate.
With only 4 hours sleep I need to go catch up on some zzzzzz, just needed to write down that observation. I have no idea where the ship is heading now, I hate to head off on my own again, but there isnt much choice, hanging back in the shadows isnt really an option just because its safer. I wish there was someone that could keep up, this journey gets mighty lonely sometimes.

Played

I skipped over something deliberately, just cos I don't even want to think about it, makes my heart ache.

I'm a giver, yep guilty as charged, constantly give to people. Some people are takers, unfortunately there must be a universal balance or we would tip off the earth. For both these types of people there must be a time when the giver takes and the taker gives, make sense? Stay with me on this one, it gets a little bent.

I've given freely to a certain person, jumped and made things happen, some of them asked for, some of them not. I have a bigger picture of what can be and work to make that picture a reality, I work really hard. I don't think I'm demanding but I might be? I'm open to that possibility. I know I have high standards, but so does this person, constantly questioning details and asking for the moon, when we only have cheese.

I do get riled when I ask for something in return and I don't receive, because I do so rarely ask. This has happened a couple of times with this person, not once, twice or even three times. So now, I have put the brakes on and ask them to step off my train. Cos I can't have someone that treats me with so little consideration sitting in First Class. First Class is for my friends that give just as freely as I do. First class is for those in my life that trust me and know that I don't ask because I'm bored or wanting attention. First class is for those around me that recognise the effort and are grateful, just as I am with them. First class is where the good seats are, where the house is warm and there is always an open door. First class is knowing that you can ring at any time and ask for anything and I'll try my damndest to get it for you. First class is for those that have my back, that watch out for me and love me :)

So sorry that you need to depart here, can I help you down from the train? I've packed you a lunch and put in a blanket in case the weather changes. I also put a torch in your bag so that you never lose your way. We have reached a fork in the tracks, my train takes me this way, your train will be along in a minute. Its been great to work with you and you are soo talented, you will be just fine.
Much love on your journey, see you at a station sometime:)

h2o

Leaving on jet plane don't know when I'll be back again...

OK, I'm over my intoxicification (thats not a real word, I "Homerised" it). Feet back on the ground, walking upright, cautious but doing ok. The beginning of this week ploughed me out. Media, can't stand them most days but when they're in your face its worse.

Jumping on a plane today and going far away. Gonna catch up with friends and have a night out:) Gonna try and hold back on the alcohol cos I've got the feeling that I could scare the bejezus out of people, LOL. I do know when I'll be back, but its much more exciting to think there are no plans, that I can just go and whatever I want will be:) Freedom to roam far and wide, cross mountains, scale sheer cliffs, run through rivers, leap fjords and fly over oceans. I've restrained myself my entire life, lawdy I'm tired of it.

Focusing on my business and what I need to do to get there. Self lecture most mornings, up-talking all situations, mowing over the old and tired little voice inside so that I can overcome the gremlins. I'm a few feet away from base-jumping out into the world.....find out shortly if my application was successful:)

Damn I need a massage, my shoulder blades scream because they're so tense. I have to stop manifesting my bullshit, perspective madam, for godsakes its not as if I'm creating a cure for cancer!! Its not too bad, I don't have a facial tick or anything but somedays I do feel like Quasimodo.

The weekend is here, I go back to face some demons and some angels. Lets hope they're easily identified, sometimes their masks get a little muddled. With my hand on my heart, let me see.

Rollin

H2o

P*&%ed

I'm drunk, pissed, munted, fucked. I had a few drinks and now I'm eliminated mentally. Maybe it will flow now? Maybe it wont be sooo exact, easy and slippery. I'm listening to Lupe Fiasco and Mathew Santos, "Superstar", I love that song. I wonder how I got to be here and how come karma wants to meet on the battlefield every fucking 5 minutes.
I paid my dues this year, got a KO, took a beating, stumbled and kneeled before the creator. Not low enough you say? My face is to the earth, there is no place lower....
Trying to ponder the lesson, listening carefully, trying to decipher what it is the universe wants me to hear. I'm listening.
If Heaven was a mile away, would I pack up bags and move there....?
Thanks Nas and Mary J Blige. The phone just rang, its hard to be pissed and talk coherently, not cool at all. I think I was understoon, too bad if I wasn't. Lips like rubber bands, feet like sand bags.. what the hell. Better Man by Pearl Jam.
But the vodka flows anyway. Cheers everyone. Today was too hard, sometimes its too hard.

Summertime

Enough of the gloom. The sun is shining, summer approaches on cat feet, slinking slowly into town. The sun rises at 6am now and so do I, I love the mornings. My mind is clear and sharp, I can focus and achieve more in the hours from 5.30am to 9am than for the rest of the day put together. Do I wake grumpy? hardly ever. Sometimes I have a headache, but even then grumpy is not part of my personality at that time of the morning. I save grumpy for later on in the day when my energy is drained.
Mostly I am really happy to be alive and even more so when the sun is shining and the heat slowly rises through the ground.
Summer invokes blackberries, cicadas, lawnmowers, daisies, water and music. I love summer and I love the sun. Today I am having most of these things and the Ocean. I'm heading out to enjoy a day in the sea, collectiong shellfish and just being away, away from home, away from work, away from the hum drum. Yay. Throwing towels, flasks, snacks into a bag and heading out into the sunlight. Enjoy the day, wherever you are.

H20

Little Me

Here is little me, 4 years old, scared( actually petrified) lonely, frightened

and serious. Deadly serious. Lacking joy and spontaneity. I look at this picture and it reminds me that the early years were sad. I remember feeling powerless, defenceless too. As if monsters swirled around me, prodding and pinching me, tripping and scratching me. My demons which resided within, certainly felt as if they resided without as well.

I still feel her presence and all the emotions that typified my childhood every now and then. Today I feel powerless, the grapefruit in my throat is present from these days, I hurt, deeply and mournfully. I am alone in my boat, far out at sea, adrift,with no one around me. This feeling is all too present in my life.

I am the captain of my ship, I am the captain of my ship.

Where shall I sail to in my mind?

Let the waters be peaceful, lapping and gentle. Let there be sunshine, dancing and dazzling on each small wave.

Let me sail to peace.