WTF is wrong with my family?

Take your pick. I don't talk too much about my siblings or my parents because I find they occupy too much space in my mind already and putting it on paper will just ulcerate the situation.....out damn spot.

Yesterday was Mothers Day. No I did not ring my mother, because I didn't want to. I have 5 sisters (yes, 5) who are capable of filling any gap I might create. My lack of a phone call was more about doing what "I" wanted and mothering myself, rather than what I 'should' do for my own mother. I have given alot in my lifetime to both of my parents. I have played a dutiful daughter to a passive aggressive mother that can not be placated or made happy.

From a very early age (4) I have felt shunned and rejected by my Mother. She is a person that prefers inference to actually being direct. Its much more confusing to the recipient if they are never sure of what they have done wrong, when, how or where. And then there is the 'silence' when some unspoken 'wrong' occurs. Its a very difficult tightrope to walk at the best of times and in adulthood its become a razorblade.

I have withdrawn my services in the last year because the well is dry. No matter how much drilling goes on, there is no oil. Never able to do anything right and always feeling eternally wrong, I feel I needed a break from that treadmill and stepped off.

But over the years I have persisted in my quest for acceptance and recognition. I have held my tongue on many occasions when I have felt acid drip from hers. But don't get me wrong, I have continued some of the pattern handed down. I too can wield a scythe of words. Well taught and well learned. Bravo H2.

And for the most part I win. Most days I can get through without resorting to type and buying in to someone else's upbringing, someone else's problems, someone else's issues.

I just want quiet and peace. I want no more guilt for a mother that I don't treasure, but I do love, because it wasn't all horror.

When I hear my sisters complain or hear their lack of attention I do wonder. I spent most of my life looking after my parents needs. My sisters were barely there and its fascinating that they feel so overburdened when they are required to spend more than a day with her.....

Prior to this past year my mother lived with me for 2 years. And my parents lived next door to me for 5 years. I suppose we all have our limits? Some of us can hold our breath for long periods of time and some of us can stay under for mere seconds.

We'll leave the mole patrol for another post. I am part of the mole patrol, we are an interesting lot. It would make a great movie...true blue.

H2