Bejewelled

I'm obsessesed by this bloody stupid game. I can't seem to say NO.
I play it to escape from thinking. I am obssessssssssssed.

H E L P send hypnotherapist.......quick.

I'm melting.....

h2

Incoming

I am in a deadlock with the person I work with, I am silent, I am no longer communicating with the selfish son-of-a-bitch. I have violent daydreams of causing him injury. Its not nice.

Being ripped off is not nice. feeling ashamed that I am working with someone so self-centred and greedy is worse. I've felt really ill these last few days. I have cut communications. Greed is a fucking unattractive trait, it makes me recoil.....truly. I am ashamed of him.

That was on Thursday, on Friday I travelled north and was supposed to meet with his workers to plan the year ahead. I cancelled the meeting and went and stayed the night with friends. We had a smoke and read cards. There was a slightly, very slightly wierd feel to the evening. But I can not be sure I heard what I heard because I was stoned. Did she hit on me? Well, we're never gonna know because moi is not asking THAT question. It can stay on the backburner for all eternity. I went to bed as soon as I sensed wierdness approaching....yes, I was alone.

Saturday I had an all day meeting and suffered a mauling at the hands of my clients. It was rough, really rough. I left the meeting at 6pm, limping. I felt bloodied and torn. People can be vicious. Even if it is verbal, the wounds definitely feel like they are bleeding. I left in the night to travel by bus to another friends place. Two hours on a bus with my MP3 on full blare managed to keep some of the crap out of my mind. I escaped from the negativity that was clinging to my shoes like tar. I felt ill again. Twice in three days is not good averages.

It was my friends 40th, it was good to see her, but it felt as if she was distracted. I am not sure what is going on for her? Is it because she's turned 40? We didnt get any time alone, either her children or her husband are constantly hovering and because she is so used to being there for them I don't think it ever occured to her to say ENOUGH, I am going out for the day with my friend. I personally think she would have felt better if she had. But I think she's so distracted that she couldn't comprehend such a thought. So interesting to observe, just because I live a life that is completely about ME.

I left there this afternoon and flew home. I felt relieved to walk back through the door to my cat and dog. I realise that I enjoy my life, my home and my time to myself. I took a bath, cooked my dinner, visited a friend, cleared my emails, watched a DVD and I write this before I go to sleep. In this moment in time its perfect.

Eventually (tomorrow) I need to deal with all the other messiness I have in my life, but not tonight.

Po marie

h2

Ground control to Major Tom, turn out the lights when you've finished, cheers

I've just been away for the weekend. It was stunning. I walked along beaches, fossicked for stones, gathered palm pods, sat in a bathtub in the moonlight, relaxed with a stone massage, got stoned, drank a couple of beers, laughed, ate and enjoyed my sisters company.
I drove for 4 hours to see her. It was worth it, she lives in a remote area where few people live and even fewer visit. When I arrived I realised how sore my shoulders were. I have lived too much on my computer this last 6 weeks. I have overstepped the line on how long one should look at a screen and pound on a keyboard. I have an addictive personality. My name is h2 and I am a computerholic.

I have been working two part-time jobs, two contracts and one agent role for a while and its causing my shoulders to seize up.

All of them are shaking down in different ways......ahem......drum roll, here we go.

• part-time job number one has given me a $3 per hour pay rise....given that I am making a little more than minimum wage, its not surprising.....but its nice, but it won't stop me from leaving :) Thank you
  
• part-time job two remains static
• contract number one is near completion and will be installed within 4 weeks, all the drama-queens are booked, marketing is complete and we are just waiting for camera, lights and action
• contract number one has led to a potential contract number 3, but we are going to play a much harder ballgame next time. No more back scratching.
  
• contract two is a bloody political minefield, they are getting the f&^*king bargain of the year with this one. So much work and two-stepping that I feel like a tap dancer on polished tiles (that means I am dancing double-time). Too many egos and not enough kitchen hands. Beautiful. I went away for the weekend because this weekend coming up I am at a meeting that will increase my grey hair content. I am dreading it. The vision is there but so many people are frightened of change. Its like walking into the Colosseum (that's very dramatic, I know, but there will be lions, and tigers, and bears, oh my)
  
• The agent role has reached an interesting impasse. We are locked over percentages. What is my Value, what is my Worth? I have a bottom line and I'm not budging. I've worked through issues that were beyond the call of duty, drawn up a vision that didn't exist before, given 110%. I feel sick. The question is and will always be - do you know my worth? Well its taken 5 days to get a reply, so I guess that question is causing alot of problems in someones mind?

I'm going to bed early, I'm tired of the mind-crap.

Thanks for the weekend, it was fab. Oh to live so lightly.....nah, forget it, I would get bored without my computer. Unplugging now.

H2

WTF is wrong with my family?

Take your pick. I don't talk too much about my siblings or my parents because I find they occupy too much space in my mind already and putting it on paper will just ulcerate the situation.....out damn spot.

Yesterday was Mothers Day. No I did not ring my mother, because I didn't want to. I have 5 sisters (yes, 5) who are capable of filling any gap I might create. My lack of a phone call was more about doing what "I" wanted and mothering myself, rather than what I 'should' do for my own mother. I have given alot in my lifetime to both of my parents. I have played a dutiful daughter to a passive aggressive mother that can not be placated or made happy.

From a very early age (4) I have felt shunned and rejected by my Mother. She is a person that prefers inference to actually being direct. Its much more confusing to the recipient if they are never sure of what they have done wrong, when, how or where. And then there is the 'silence' when some unspoken 'wrong' occurs. Its a very difficult tightrope to walk at the best of times and in adulthood its become a razorblade.

I have withdrawn my services in the last year because the well is dry. No matter how much drilling goes on, there is no oil. Never able to do anything right and always feeling eternally wrong, I feel I needed a break from that treadmill and stepped off.

But over the years I have persisted in my quest for acceptance and recognition. I have held my tongue on many occasions when I have felt acid drip from hers. But don't get me wrong, I have continued some of the pattern handed down. I too can wield a scythe of words. Well taught and well learned. Bravo H2.

And for the most part I win. Most days I can get through without resorting to type and buying in to someone else's upbringing, someone else's problems, someone else's issues.

I just want quiet and peace. I want no more guilt for a mother that I don't treasure, but I do love, because it wasn't all horror.

When I hear my sisters complain or hear their lack of attention I do wonder. I spent most of my life looking after my parents needs. My sisters were barely there and its fascinating that they feel so overburdened when they are required to spend more than a day with her.....

Prior to this past year my mother lived with me for 2 years. And my parents lived next door to me for 5 years. I suppose we all have our limits? Some of us can hold our breath for long periods of time and some of us can stay under for mere seconds.

We'll leave the mole patrol for another post. I am part of the mole patrol, we are an interesting lot. It would make a great movie...true blue.

H2

Stop all the clocks

Its been three weeks since I last posted. I am not depressed but I am overworked.
I have been up most nights till 1am for the last 2.5 weeks. It only stopped being lemming chaos on Friday night.
I have taken the last few days off. I'm exhausted.
I have two part-time jobs, two contracts and one artist to manage.
Am I unhappy? No, again, just overworked.
No time to post when I have no time to ponder.
Still here, still breathing :)

H2