P*&%ed

I'm drunk, pissed, munted, fucked. I had a few drinks and now I'm eliminated mentally. Maybe it will flow now? Maybe it wont be sooo exact, easy and slippery. I'm listening to Lupe Fiasco and Mathew Santos, "Superstar", I love that song. I wonder how I got to be here and how come karma wants to meet on the battlefield every fucking 5 minutes.
I paid my dues this year, got a KO, took a beating, stumbled and kneeled before the creator. Not low enough you say? My face is to the earth, there is no place lower....
Trying to ponder the lesson, listening carefully, trying to decipher what it is the universe wants me to hear. I'm listening.
If Heaven was a mile away, would I pack up bags and move there....?
Thanks Nas and Mary J Blige. The phone just rang, its hard to be pissed and talk coherently, not cool at all. I think I was understoon, too bad if I wasn't. Lips like rubber bands, feet like sand bags.. what the hell. Better Man by Pearl Jam.
But the vodka flows anyway. Cheers everyone. Today was too hard, sometimes its too hard.

Summertime

Enough of the gloom. The sun is shining, summer approaches on cat feet, slinking slowly into town. The sun rises at 6am now and so do I, I love the mornings. My mind is clear and sharp, I can focus and achieve more in the hours from 5.30am to 9am than for the rest of the day put together. Do I wake grumpy? hardly ever. Sometimes I have a headache, but even then grumpy is not part of my personality at that time of the morning. I save grumpy for later on in the day when my energy is drained.
Mostly I am really happy to be alive and even more so when the sun is shining and the heat slowly rises through the ground.
Summer invokes blackberries, cicadas, lawnmowers, daisies, water and music. I love summer and I love the sun. Today I am having most of these things and the Ocean. I'm heading out to enjoy a day in the sea, collectiong shellfish and just being away, away from home, away from work, away from the hum drum. Yay. Throwing towels, flasks, snacks into a bag and heading out into the sunlight. Enjoy the day, wherever you are.

H20

Little Me

Here is little me, 4 years old, scared( actually petrified) lonely, frightened

and serious. Deadly serious. Lacking joy and spontaneity. I look at this picture and it reminds me that the early years were sad. I remember feeling powerless, defenceless too. As if monsters swirled around me, prodding and pinching me, tripping and scratching me. My demons which resided within, certainly felt as if they resided without as well.

I still feel her presence and all the emotions that typified my childhood every now and then. Today I feel powerless, the grapefruit in my throat is present from these days, I hurt, deeply and mournfully. I am alone in my boat, far out at sea, adrift,with no one around me. This feeling is all too present in my life.

I am the captain of my ship, I am the captain of my ship.

Where shall I sail to in my mind?

Let the waters be peaceful, lapping and gentle. Let there be sunshine, dancing and dazzling on each small wave.

Let me sail to peace.