When I looked at my cellphone this morning, the time read 3.18am. I wonder why the hell I have to open my eyes and allow my brain to begin its torrent of information so early in the morning. I develop bad habits easily. All this week it has been 4am starts....wtf.....get a life.
Its now 5.02 and what started out as a mere flickering of my eyelids has now become my full blown day. In the time since I first opened my eyes I have washed the dishes, had breakfast and replied to my emails.
Tonight one of my sisters is arriving and we're going to have a few drinks down the road at the local pub, that should add at least an hour to my waking time tomorrow.....we'll see.
Anyway, I started this post to talk about the impact of actions.
I've been to two funerals this week, both of the older men, who had lived for a good innings, 83 and 70 respectively. Both brilliant minds, both well respected, both human, both living archives.
One of them was an elder at the place that I work. I had booked an interview with him because i knew he was unwell and then he passed away before I could complete the interview.
That sounds a bit morbid, but i believe its really important to record people who have made a huge impact on the people around them. I think the documentation of a persons life can be a great gift to those left behind. And while thats true, its usually only important to those that remember them as a person, living and breathing. I was quite upset that I missed my opportunity to record him before he passed but the more I think about it, the more I am sure that future generations will be better off hearing stories of his acts, because no film can give you his entire personality because film doesn't give you that sense. If offers snippets and cuts for you to sew into your own personal quilt of perspective.
There are so many aspects of myself that I keep private that it will be hard to find one person that truly knows me :) I think that can be said of all of us. My motivations and expectations are based on my life experiences, never able to be explained by anyone but myself, but could be viewed by others as eccentric and unstable. That would be fair.
The life I am living is my version of events, my perspective, my own wide view lense. I react to all circumstances in ways which only I know about.
For instance, when I go to the Dentist I often hold back fearful tears. I have a few tears because my fears visit me from long ago. I travel back in time to a 6 y old girl that was sat in the dentist chair and had other mothers paraded in front of me to show them my 'disgusting teeth'. I didnt tell my own mother about this story when i was little, because my own mother had her own problems....I realise now that the Dental Nurse was a bitch with 'her' own problems. Nothing is as personal as we think, its all about our own experiences that usually dictate our behaviour. Who knows what act of powerlessness led the Dental Nurse to demonstrate power and cruelty later in life?
Back to topic. I had the honour in having these men in my life as people of knowledge, maturity and grace. I am not sure what others had experienced with them but that is my experience. They were good men, who lived life with flair and charm. I wanted to bear testament to their imprint on my life. When they closed the casket I felt a deep sense of sorrow. Just because they will never walk this earth again, because I will never bump into them on the street, because I will never sit down and have a conversation or an argument with them again, because I will never ask them another question, because I will never be able to be comforted by their wisdom and counsel again. Life can be so insular, but its really about the effect we can have on others that is the true measure.
Ki oku kaumatua, haere ki ona tupuna. Haere, haere, haere atu ra.
