Its ok, case closed, turning down the volume on this drama. I think I communicate clearly? deluded again. No wonder we wage war on each other. My ability to communicate my message varies on a daily basis. Some days I rock, other days I do not....seriously not.
Some days the drama is as huge as a wave off the coast of Hawaii, killer waves that can seriously hurt you if you happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Waves of drama that will pound you into the reef and carry on as if nothing happened. Need to check that tsunami alot earlier and warn the coastguard. I need to not let it get so wound up like a hurricane coming in to shore. Why am I talking waves, tsunami and hurricanes? Thats just me, I see situations as pictures rather than words, try and dig it if you can:) Its like asking me why the sky is blue, my answer is 'because its not green'....yeah, it only makes sense in my world:) Only waves that knock me off my feet and make me laugh for a little while, ok?
Welcome back boi, you were missed.
h2
Thursday, 8 November 2007
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
Closer
The more I look at it the more I think its time to let go. The past week has been tough. First R and then M, I feel let down by both. My weekend away did nothing to eleviate that feeling but added to it. Like glitter turned to stone. E, H and V all viewed from far away, I could neither feel or value their presence.
People and places to be let go of, like a physical expiry date. That boat that I'm in, deep at sea with neither land nor people in sight is ever present. I just need to see a few more people face to face and make my decision. Indifferent, but softly, not harshly.
When I look at someone, I can see the corners of their heart, I can see what they try to hide from everyone else. I can see their darkness and their light.
What does that mean? It means I can tell when someone hasn't told everything.....I can tell if someone is hiding...something. Most times I let it ride, because it usually has nothing to do with me, not this time....Come hither, let me see your eyes so that any shadow or flicker can be recorded, every shrug, smirk, twitch, shift or scratch is loaded into my microscopic mind for analysis. Shall we meet?
My own heart has corners that even elude me. It is not a judgement, it just is.
So come closer, let us speak and let me see what it is that is not spoken.
People and places to be let go of, like a physical expiry date. That boat that I'm in, deep at sea with neither land nor people in sight is ever present. I just need to see a few more people face to face and make my decision. Indifferent, but softly, not harshly.
When I look at someone, I can see the corners of their heart, I can see what they try to hide from everyone else. I can see their darkness and their light.
What does that mean? It means I can tell when someone hasn't told everything.....I can tell if someone is hiding...something. Most times I let it ride, because it usually has nothing to do with me, not this time....Come hither, let me see your eyes so that any shadow or flicker can be recorded, every shrug, smirk, twitch, shift or scratch is loaded into my microscopic mind for analysis. Shall we meet?
My own heart has corners that even elude me. It is not a judgement, it just is.
So come closer, let us speak and let me see what it is that is not spoken.
Monday, 5 November 2007
Home
I arrived home last night and haven't felt so relieved in a long time. My space, my sanctury, my bed, my bones. I drank tea and felt my burdens leave me. Just stepping across the threshold gave me a sense of quiet and peace. I stood in the shower for 30 minutes and just felt the water wash away all my tension. Laying down in bed, the last of my worries left me, I sunk into my pillow, pulled my blankets up around my chin and found peace in my sleep. I felt so grateful that this place that I call home, is just that, my home, the place where I feel most comforted, the place where I rest.
Sunday, 4 November 2007
Saturday, 3 November 2007
Over it
Arrived to an afternoon of meetings yesterday, all good, no probs. Went and met friends for a few drinks from around 5pm, started good and ended mediocre albeit nearly 9 hours later. I think I'm over certain people and certain places. I couldnt give a rats ass about a few people I encountered last night. I didnt find the humour or the attention stimulating. I felt distracted, like something was missing.
The old me would have found easy laughter, interesting conversation and a willingness to be central in the discussion. Not so anymore. Tired of it and over it.
I've moved somewhere else emotionally, my friends and family no longer hold me. Where to now? Going overseas? Going, just going? Its quite clear that things have changed, not surprising really, too much has happened. Like standing outside a glass house and watching an old life continue. Observing but not feeling connected enough to want to participate.
With only 4 hours sleep I need to go catch up on some zzzzzz, just needed to write down that observation. I have no idea where the ship is heading now, I hate to head off on my own again, but there isnt much choice, hanging back in the shadows isnt really an option just because its safer. I wish there was someone that could keep up, this journey gets mighty lonely sometimes.
The old me would have found easy laughter, interesting conversation and a willingness to be central in the discussion. Not so anymore. Tired of it and over it.
I've moved somewhere else emotionally, my friends and family no longer hold me. Where to now? Going overseas? Going, just going? Its quite clear that things have changed, not surprising really, too much has happened. Like standing outside a glass house and watching an old life continue. Observing but not feeling connected enough to want to participate.
With only 4 hours sleep I need to go catch up on some zzzzzz, just needed to write down that observation. I have no idea where the ship is heading now, I hate to head off on my own again, but there isnt much choice, hanging back in the shadows isnt really an option just because its safer. I wish there was someone that could keep up, this journey gets mighty lonely sometimes.
Friday, 2 November 2007
Played
I skipped over something deliberately, just cos I don't even want to think about it, makes my heart ache.
I'm a giver, yep guilty as charged, constantly give to people. Some people are takers, unfortunately there must be a universal balance or we would tip off the earth. For both these types of people there must be a time when the giver takes and the taker gives, make sense? Stay with me on this one, it gets a little bent.
I've given freely to a certain person, jumped and made things happen, some of them asked for, some of them not. I have a bigger picture of what can be and work to make that picture a reality, I work really hard. I don't think I'm demanding but I might be? I'm open to that possibility. I know I have high standards, but so does this person, constantly questioning details and asking for the moon, when we only have cheese.
I do get riled when I ask for something in return and I don't receive, because I do so rarely ask. This has happened a couple of times with this person, not once, twice or even three times. So now, I have put the brakes on and ask them to step off my train. Cos I can't have someone that treats me with so little consideration sitting in First Class. First Class is for my friends that give just as freely as I do. First class is for those in my life that trust me and know that I don't ask because I'm bored or wanting attention. First class is for those around me that recognise the effort and are grateful, just as I am with them. First class is where the good seats are, where the house is warm and there is always an open door. First class is knowing that you can ring at any time and ask for anything and I'll try my damndest to get it for you. First class is for those that have my back, that watch out for me and love me :)
So sorry that you need to depart here, can I help you down from the train? I've packed you a lunch and put in a blanket in case the weather changes. I also put a torch in your bag so that you never lose your way. We have reached a fork in the tracks, my train takes me this way, your train will be along in a minute. Its been great to work with you and you are soo talented, you will be just fine.
Much love on your journey, see you at a station sometime:)
h2o
I'm a giver, yep guilty as charged, constantly give to people. Some people are takers, unfortunately there must be a universal balance or we would tip off the earth. For both these types of people there must be a time when the giver takes and the taker gives, make sense? Stay with me on this one, it gets a little bent.
I've given freely to a certain person, jumped and made things happen, some of them asked for, some of them not. I have a bigger picture of what can be and work to make that picture a reality, I work really hard. I don't think I'm demanding but I might be? I'm open to that possibility. I know I have high standards, but so does this person, constantly questioning details and asking for the moon, when we only have cheese.
I do get riled when I ask for something in return and I don't receive, because I do so rarely ask. This has happened a couple of times with this person, not once, twice or even three times. So now, I have put the brakes on and ask them to step off my train. Cos I can't have someone that treats me with so little consideration sitting in First Class. First Class is for my friends that give just as freely as I do. First class is for those in my life that trust me and know that I don't ask because I'm bored or wanting attention. First class is for those around me that recognise the effort and are grateful, just as I am with them. First class is where the good seats are, where the house is warm and there is always an open door. First class is knowing that you can ring at any time and ask for anything and I'll try my damndest to get it for you. First class is for those that have my back, that watch out for me and love me :)
So sorry that you need to depart here, can I help you down from the train? I've packed you a lunch and put in a blanket in case the weather changes. I also put a torch in your bag so that you never lose your way. We have reached a fork in the tracks, my train takes me this way, your train will be along in a minute. Its been great to work with you and you are soo talented, you will be just fine.
Much love on your journey, see you at a station sometime:)
h2o
Leaving on jet plane don't know when I'll be back again...
OK, I'm over my intoxicification (thats not a real word, I "Homerised" it). Feet back on the ground, walking upright, cautious but doing ok. The beginning of this week ploughed me out. Media, can't stand them most days but when they're in your face its worse.
Jumping on a plane today and going far away. Gonna catch up with friends and have a night out:) Gonna try and hold back on the alcohol cos I've got the feeling that I could scare the bejezus out of people, LOL. I do know when I'll be back, but its much more exciting to think there are no plans, that I can just go and whatever I want will be:) Freedom to roam far and wide, cross mountains, scale sheer cliffs, run through rivers, leap fjords and fly over oceans. I've restrained myself my entire life, lawdy I'm tired of it.
Focusing on my business and what I need to do to get there. Self lecture most mornings, up-talking all situations, mowing over the old and tired little voice inside so that I can overcome the gremlins. I'm a few feet away from base-jumping out into the world.....find out shortly if my application was successful:)
Damn I need a massage, my shoulder blades scream because they're so tense. I have to stop manifesting my bullshit, perspective madam, for godsakes its not as if I'm creating a cure for cancer!! Its not too bad, I don't have a facial tick or anything but somedays I do feel like Quasimodo.
The weekend is here, I go back to face some demons and some angels. Lets hope they're easily identified, sometimes their masks get a little muddled. With my hand on my heart, let me see.
Rollin
H2o
Jumping on a plane today and going far away. Gonna catch up with friends and have a night out:) Gonna try and hold back on the alcohol cos I've got the feeling that I could scare the bejezus out of people, LOL. I do know when I'll be back, but its much more exciting to think there are no plans, that I can just go and whatever I want will be:) Freedom to roam far and wide, cross mountains, scale sheer cliffs, run through rivers, leap fjords and fly over oceans. I've restrained myself my entire life, lawdy I'm tired of it.
Focusing on my business and what I need to do to get there. Self lecture most mornings, up-talking all situations, mowing over the old and tired little voice inside so that I can overcome the gremlins. I'm a few feet away from base-jumping out into the world.....find out shortly if my application was successful:)
Damn I need a massage, my shoulder blades scream because they're so tense. I have to stop manifesting my bullshit, perspective madam, for godsakes its not as if I'm creating a cure for cancer!! Its not too bad, I don't have a facial tick or anything but somedays I do feel like Quasimodo.
The weekend is here, I go back to face some demons and some angels. Lets hope they're easily identified, sometimes their masks get a little muddled. With my hand on my heart, let me see.
Rollin
H2o
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