If I won..

If I won lotto, this is my list of must do's:

• Buy my dream home, a house at the beach with alot of character, comfort and a very wide deck to sit and entertain on, an acre section and lots of fruit trees
• buy a house for each of my siblings and my mother, or at least give them a deposit for one
• buy a house for my daughter
  
• Travel - Borabora sea chalets, drive across the US in a classic car and Asia backpacking
  
• build my business with some serious product development
• Smile and give thanks

Change it

A heat that blazes through your bones, that opens the pores and allows the sweat to run freely. A hazy honey coloured landscape, scorched earth, nodding grasses and rolling hills, olive trees, linen shirts and sandals. Thats what I imagine Italy to be like. Its the Italy in my dreams and some of the pictures I have seen. I don't know anything about Italy in winter, because in my dreams winter does not exist.

I have never been to Italy, I live in New Zealand. It is the middle of winter :) I am cooking up fantasies to help me escape from the bitter rain and wind outside my front door. I woke this morning and played Italian opera on my stereo very loudly, the marriage of Figaro, Carmen, lovely. I went and bought focaccia bread, I drove 8 km to get it. Its the best focaccia I have ever tasted, made with oil, sea salt and basil, I actually believe its the best in NZ.

I am loving this day.
I have avocados, tomatoes and feta to accompany my beautiful bread. I have created summer in my day. So today is summer in my house. I am creating a day of passions, creating, eating, singing, smiling.

If I don't like my life I need to change it.

I handed in my notice on my job this week. I have 4 weeks left, I am lighter and happier already. If I am unhappy, I can change it.....simple, so simple.

I am in love with my day :)

H2

chicken and corn pie

So I make a dinner that comforts me. I bake a chicken and corn pie. Its delicious, it makes me feel better. I go to bed early and I wake around 7am. I feel better.
I keep warm all day, no draughts, heater on in the car, stockings, jersey, no bone chilling winds allowed in.
I worked my way through my list of clients, visited a couple and made quite a few phone calls.
I left work and drove over to the printers, I realise as I type that part about the printers that I love that work. I realise social work is not for me. I realise my mind immediately engages with anything creative. Thank god for writing thoughts that bring clarity.
I did not hand in my notice but I will, because my life should revolve around the creative industry.
I feel my heart lighten when I am working in the arts. I put a small exhibition together at the national museum over the weekend. It bought me alot of joy to see that through and with lighting and graphics it looked great.
Voila, my life, no strain when I am passionate.

TIme to turn on the electric blanket, mist swirls outside and I have relented and let the animals in.....too soft :)

h2

unwellness

I have worked solidly for the last three days. On Friday I rose at 5.30am to take the first flight out of the city to Wellington. I worked all day and spent a restless night in a hotel. I rose at 6am to get to work at 6.45am and worked all day again. Last night I stayed at my sisters house and had another restless night because I had to share with a niece that tossed and turned all night. She woke me at 6am to watch tv and generally keep her company.
Today I flew home and I feel my throat is tender and scatchy. I feel unwellness approaching. I am tired and I have a headache. I have just had a bath and will go to bed early tonight.
I have been without medication for a couple of days and I'm sure this adds to my general feeling of lightheadedness. My mood is grey and weak. I do no feel robust or strong. I feel softened at all edges, listless and distracted.
When I am unwell I feel alone. When I am well I do not feel that aloneness....I just move on to something to distract from my natural state of being. Once I am stopped by illness or incapacitation I am not good to be around.
Tomorrow I am considering handing in my notice on one of my jobs. Its a social services job, hard work with little reward. I am tired of it, I am tired of the emotional drain. I don't think I can go on doing that job, its too much.
I need to sleep and dream away my worries, reprieve from my thoughts and unwellness.
Good night

h2

Sex in my city

I just went to the movies with my daughter to see Sex in the City. I loved it. It was exactly what I expected - women in their 40s, fashion , drama and high heels. I shed a tear when Big got clouted by Carrie and her flowers. I felt for them both.

I must say..... I hated her red lipstick with that Vivienne Westwood dress, I much preferred the muted pink of her Vogue shoot to the 'Ive been eating red crayon' look she opted for. Yes, I know it was about the 'Vivienne' look, but really, over 40 we're allowed to move past the trademarks.

The movie was 2.5 hours long, I could have stayed another 2, except my arse was numb.

I love clothes, I love vintage, I love 50s inspired anything. I can't wear high heels. Too many twisted ankles from a lifetime of sporting injuries and a little too much padding means I am taking my life into my hands on anything above a 1 inch heel. Its hard to look classy in flats..:) Just on Sunday I decided to borrow a pair of low heel mules from my sister to go to the mall, just to see if I could handle them. I stepped out of the car and twisted my ankle. LOL.

Carrie Bradshaw I am not, but I do have a carefree attitude and alot of sass.

Yeah, I loved it, I wanted to be Carrie, but I'll settle for me and my outrageous handbags.

h2

Senior

I applied for a job around 3 weeks ago. It was for a national administrator, big company, big money in an area that I have an interest in, in a 6 degrees of seperation way...

Anywho, I had the agency interview and it went well, I was definitely through to the next round and they checked one of my two work referees. Great, its going good.

Within two days I had my phone interview with the Manager (if I got the job he would be my boss). The interview went really well, I got off the phone and felt 100% certain it was mine. My intuition was on high beam. I have this feeling only every so often, its like an electric current and I am usually dead on the money:)

He said he would get back to me Tuesday, as Monday was a public holiday. When there was no news on Tuesday I knew I had lost the job. It took another week to find that out. Something happened over the weekend for him to change his mind. But I'm not really worried about that. Its just not meant to be. Two things from this surprised me.
Number 1, that I was wrong (shock, horror :) only because my gut told me YES. And Number 2 they went for a junior, as opposed to the senior position I applied for. Number 2 surprises me because I have forgotten I am senior..........eeeeeeeeek. I am not young, fresh, enthusiatic and unknowing.....I am mature, calm, determined and knowing :) Yes, that is me. I have crossed over without knowing. I have become a senior member of staff.

I'm pulling out the big guns, there is no more time to muck around. Senior it is then, it is done.

H2

curved

I like to look back every couple of posts and see where I was at, if I've moved, are things better and generally the answer is yes.

When I am in the thick of something heinous I need to remember that all of it is just temporary. There is no feeling or situation that is permanent. How fast I move on from that feeling or situation depends entirely on me.

I was gutted for a couple of hours yesterday when I made it to the final round of interviews and didn't get the job. Today, this morning, its another day. I am moving on from that situation and already looking to the next door.

Doors are everywhere. I just need to look around me.

I'm going to get dressed now, because I'm going to a funeral. A friends husband passed away from cancer. I knew it would not be long before his passing and mercifully it was only two weeks with pain before his body shut down. He has moved on to his next journey, today is only for the living to remember and celebrate his life. Haere atu ra Mr T.

Peace and happy travels

H2

Friday's noise

Mark Lizotte aka Diesel, you go boi :)

All Aboard

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the 1oooth person to read my blog. I have no idea who you are, but I hope your visit was pleasant.

Imagine that this blog is my house. 1000 people have walked through it, some of the rooms hold my most private thoughts. Thoughts that none of my friends or family might know about. In real life I am not 'talkative', people would classify me as 'takes a long time to get to know'. I have guards on the towers at all times. No one enters my castle without my say so.

I might be too afraid to show people my inner self because they might not like what they see. The mind is a tripper isn't it? I take life far too personally and its all about me. But even in my blog there are rooms that are locked. I started this blog for the freedom to write and say what I wanted. But still, I find myself censoring and deleting. As regular readers starting writing comments I became more aware of what I was writing. I closed a door, locked it and moved along the corridor to a more public room......killing the whole point of it really. Taking it too personal, my privacy becomes my public.

I have no ties. .....except the ones that bind my mind.....the most important ties of all. The subjugation of my mind was once number 98 on my list of 100, this is now lurking at around number 3....and approaching with steel engine determination. I have no illusions about what I will be able to achieve in this task. But the silencing of some very damaging voices would be a huge victory:)

I've got my ticket in my hand and I'm waiting on the platform. I can hear that engine approaching but its not quite in view. My palms are sweating, because I know I can be a captive or a driver of that train. The choice is mine, its all up to me.

h2

Amy's Whinehouse

I'm really sorry if you thought this blog was about Amy Winehouse. She just happens to be playing on my ipod, her remake of 'Valerie'. Amy Winehouse has an amazing voice - syrup. Smoky syrup.

I love her voice but I hate her addiction. To have your 'shit' played out so publicly is embarassing. Personally, I'm a believer of the anorexics, drug addicts, alcoholics, any holics actually, are just people that have 'shit' that hasn't been dealt with. Its one thing to slink through society with your monkey firmly strapped to your back, but to be famous and doing it....... You may as well strap a siren, webcam and a megaphone to yourself. There is no mercy.

Amy, com on girl, you can do it! You're already doing it (albeit wonkerly), even with a skin full of happy powder you're amazing, imagine what could be? Subjugate your mind and move on.....

I have my holics....my own personal monkeys. This is also a cheering squad for myself. Mine rolls out at least once a day like a mini circus to cheer me on, to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.

Oh to have a quiet mind:)

Weekend approaching, the kettle is on. Siezing the dawn

H2