Childhood and the realm of all beasts

I am the product of my childhood, where all my fears and survival tactics were created and shaped, to manifest themselves in the adult I am today.
Some of those fears are in full bloom, my fear of committment, marriage and partnership. My fear that I will turn out like my parents (just knowing this fact will stop me from becoming them, but still I persist with this thought and it lurks in my mental closet, like a giant black spider)

My harshness for others and my judgement of those around me, just as my parents did and probably their parents before them. I have no solution for my sharpness and distain. All I know is that it makes me desperately unhappy and I'm tired of it. If I am sharp then I am met with sharpness from others. No wonder Mr Kind and Right hasn't shown up...:)

I dig into my past and try and find the root of these problems, grab them by the base and pull as hard as I can, trying to make them loosen their grip on me...but maybe that is a large part of the problem. Not owning them and holding them close to me, accepting them as part of me?

My childhood was largely unhappy. If I remember back I recall that I was very quiet. I remember small things that let me know that I lacked any type of confidence. I remember crying for what seemed like the first two weeks of school, the teacher trying to shame me into stopping by making me stand in front of the class while they sat on the mat. It didnt make me stop, I just cried more and more, until he yelled at me to stand in the corner facing the wall. That didnt stop me either, this went on for days until I was finally sent up into the attic to the head teachers office. I dont know what happened up there, but I think something did, I stopped crying thats for sure. I was 5. I dont know what teachers were taught back then, but I do think he was a prick of a teacher. I remember having very few friends, maybe one? I remember eating lunch alone, with a lump in my throat the size of a grapefruit (well it "felt" that size) and not being able to eat my peanut butter sandwiches. To this day I dont enjoy peanut butter sandwiches.

For all of you out there that has a child within that is lonely, afraid or scared. Be gentle and be kind. We are a product of our childhood, but we can overcome :) I'm working my little brain as hard as I can to get to the source and purge it once and for all, so that the beasts can finally become just plain old animals on a farm and no longer stampeding through my dreams gnashing and clawing at me. I let them free.

Love an peace y'all
h20